


Red and Yellow

by pablorewind



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter RPF, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: + they both have angsty backgrounds, Angst, Ethan's french bc why not, Fluff, Harry Potter - Freeform, Harry Potter AU, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Them being oblivious, bc what else can I do, but he's not in their year, crankiplier - Freeform, god they're both really stupid, gryffindor!mark, he's mentioned - Freeform, hufflepuff!ethan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 50,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23788315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pablorewind/pseuds/pablorewind
Summary: Ethan, a new student at Hogwarts, takes interest in a particular dark-haired boy.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 268
Kudos: 444





	1. Chapter 1

It was in diagon alley where Ethan first noticed the boy. He was in the bookshop, gathering all the books he needed from a rather long list of necessary reading material for his classes. See, Ethan was transferring from another wizarding school in France, but the slight differences in curriculum left him a few months behind in a couple of his subjects. Luckily for him he was just about to start 6th year: NEWTs, and therefore wouldn't have exams until the end of next year. Adding another book to the precarious pile he was holding, he glanced up when his eyes immediately locked with a pair of brown ones.

They belonged to a boy, another student by the looks of it, around his age who was in a group of chatting friends. His gaze, however, lay on Ethan, regarding him with curiosity. When their eyes met, he sent him a coy smile, eyes lingering a second longer before reverting back to his friends. Ethan took the opportunity to keep looking, noting his soft olive skin and deep, almost black hair, that was just about long enough to curl around the sides of his neck. _God the boys in England are hot,_ he thought to himself before shutting his mind up and making his way over to the counter. He _did not_ need to fall head over heels for literally the first guy he laid eyes on. He made polite small talk to the woman behind the till, glancing over his shoulder as he grabbed his bag to leave but the boy was gone.

Once outside he took a moment to admire the kittens in the window of a pet store, taking a few steps closer to the glass. A predominantly white kitten, with a fleck of black beneath one of its eyes caught his interest, looking back at him expectantly. He reached his hand up to the glass, poking where its nose was. 'Don't tempt me', he giggled softly, 'You would die of starvation, y'know'. He felt eyes on him and looked up to catch the shop owner glaring at him through the glass. Reluctantly, he turned away from the window, sighing and making his way to the next shop.

He kept to himself for the most part, bar asking someone how the _fuck_ he was meant to get to platform 9 and three quarters, finding an empty compartment when boarding the train and getting out his books to study. Except his plans were interrupted by someone poking their head through his door not 10 minutes into the journey. The intruder hesitated a second before speaking.

'Are _you_ Ethan?' he panted, slightly out of breath.

'I- uh- yeah, why?' he responded, a little confused. He looked friendly enough, curly brown hair but intimidatingly tall.

'Oh _thank god,_ I've been looking for you everywhere. I'm Tyler by the way', he rushed out, offering Ethan his hand.

'Uh hi, why were you looking for me?' Ethan shook his hand. He had a firm grip.

Tyler chuckled, 'Dumbledore asked me to look out for you, figured you might need a friend. C'mon, me and my friends are on the other side of the train.'

Ethan agreed, albeit slightly reluctantly. He was looking forward to the extra study time, but he couldn't exactly say no. To be fair, this Tyler seemed quite nice and he probably did need friends. Tyler insisted to help him carry his books and luggage, and led him to the other side of the train. He introduced him to his friends- two Hufflepuffs, same as Tyler, called Kathryn and Jacob, and a Gryffindor called Percy, all of whom were also in 6th year. They were all pretty friendly, and he got to know a bit more about them and the school through talking to them, surprising himself with how much they got on.

When departing the train, a head of deep brown, slightly wavy hair caught his attention, but he was quickly disappointed when the head turned around to reveal an unfamiliar face. 

'Come on Ethan, we don't want to lose you _just_ yet', Tyler patted his shoulder to get his attention, speaking just loud enough to be heard over the crowd of students surrounding them. He managed to follow Tyler through all the people, trying his hardest not to get swallowed by all the people. They regrouped by a a track that wound itself into a forest, above which he could just about make out the high towers of the school. Maybe a dozen carriages, wooden and aged by the weather were lined up, led by some sort of creature Ethan had never seen before. It was horse-like, skin pale and drained, looking almost as weathered as the carriages themselves, its body somehow supported by legs thin enough to let its bones jut out, which held the creature so gracefully, like it had no weight at all. It was both beautiful and chilling, awaking feelings of serenity yet also stirring an anxious feeling within him. It was hard to describe.

'What _is_ that?' he asked softly, looking at the others as they started to board, and was met with glances of confusion by all except Jacob, who hadn't taken his eyes of the horse-thing, his expression unreadable.

'What's what?' Percy asked him, and Ethan wasn't sure if he was being stupid. Percy seemed to be the smart one of the group, and he didn't want to be making a fool of himself already.

'The thing, you know, pulling the carriage?'

Tyler looked at him with concern, 'Uh, magic?' he chuckled, 'They just pull themselves...'. Tyler hopped up, and Ethan went to follow but was stopped by Jacob's hand on his arm.

'They're called thestrals', he spoke in a voice low enough for the others not to hear, 'Not everyone can see them.' He paused, looking into Ethan's eyes for a second, before he turned and stepped up, leaving Ethan slightly baffled, but he was too unsure to mention it again.

As they made their way up through the forest, Ethan had the chance to admire the castle as it slowly rose its way into view. His school in France had been beautiful, with rich, sea green coated spires that extended into the sky, and intricately detailed glass windows, but it was rivaled by the sheer scale of this English school. He took in the sweeping grounds and countless towers that peeked out above the main body of the castle, and was overwhelmed by the urge to explore all of it. But he guessed that would have to wait. When they arrived at the school, Tyler showed him the way to the headmaster's office, where there were maybe six or so other new students. He was sorted into Hufflepuff and dismissed, where he found Tyler waiting for him outside, offering him a high five for being sorted into the "best house". Either British people were exceptionally polite or this guy was already being a really good friend. Ethan smiled a little at the thought- he didn't think he was going to have friends this fast. 

After dropping off his luggage in the common room, they made their way to the dining hall. Slightly unnerved by the amount of eyes on him when he and Tyler entered late, he quickly fell behind and followed the taller boy to a seat, only getting a chance to see the hall properly once they were seated by Jacob, Kathryn, and a few other friendly Hufflepuffs. Hundreds of students chatted at long tables which extended almost the full length of the room, stopped only by a small stage with a perpendicular table of teachers. Candles floated just above, somehow managing to light the room, and glancing up he noticed that instead of a roof the ceiling was filled by the night sky. Maybe he was beginning to like this school. Glancing around the room, his breath hitched when his eyes involuntarily halted on a familiar brown pair. _How brown eyes could be familiar he didn't know_. It was the bookshop guy. He mustered up the courage to smile at him, but felt a disappointment when his eyes just flickered away. Huh. From the table he was sitting at Ethan figured he must be Gryffindor, and noted how good the red from the hood of his robes and his slightly loosened tie looked on him. He only then noticed that his robes were now yellow, and wondered when that happened.

The sorting ceremony for the first years had just begun, yet his eyes felt drawn to the part of the room he knew a particular someone was sitting. Extraordinarily often their eyes seemed to meet. Blushing, he wondered what some hot dude was staring at him for. It took some time for all of the kids to be sorted, but after what seemed like the longest length of time he had ever spent clapping, the headmaster- Dumbledore, he thought- stepped up to the podium to speak. He gave a well worded welcome that Ethan did not have the attention span to listen to, before finally, food appeared in front of him, and he didn't hesitate to load his plate with everything he could see.

As usual, his eyes were too big for his stomach. Groaning as he took a bite of his God-knows-what-number chicken wing, he exclaimed a little too loud how much of an idiot he was. Kathryn and Tyler burst into laughter beside him.

'Here let us help you out' Kathryn managed to get out through her laughter, taking a slice of pizza of his plate. He giggled along with them, allowing his eyes to flitter over to the Gryffindor boy, and saw that he was already looking at him, with an interested smile mostly hidden by the hand his head was resting on. He blushed profusely, the smile sending butterflies to his stomach, and looked down at his plate, before back to his friends, who were still laughing with him. He could get used to this friends thing.

Much later in the evening, they were leaving the hall, with his cheeks hurting from laughter and stomach hurting from copious amount of food. He let a yawn escape his mouth and was glad to be finally heading to the common room because he wasn't sure how much longer he could stay awake. The common room was filled with old armchairs and couches, most of which surrounded a softly crackling fire, the heat from which Ethan could feel from where he was standing. He followed Tyler up a spiraling staircase hidden between some bookshelves up to a dorm room, filled with some vaguely familiar boys who greeted him with friendly smiles.

'New kid!' one exclaimed, who had a head of fierce blonde curls, and twinkling green eyes. He jumped up from the bed where he was unpacking to face Ethan, grinning widely, 'I'm Noah by the way, you must be Ethan', he leaned against the bedpost casually, gesturing to the spare bed next to him, 'That was Joe's old bed, he was kind of an ass but he's gone now. So you better be nice or-'

'Noah, give him a break mate' Tyler shouted from the other side of the room, throwing his bag down on the bed, 'your cupboard is over there by the way Ethan'. Ethan nodded his thanks, slightly intimidated by the strong personalities in the room. Thankfully, all of them were very welcoming, and he didn't feel left out even though they had all known each other for years. He slowly got more comfortable with them as the hours ticked by, until finally they mutually decided to go to sleep.

And he couldn't help his mind from wandering to the bookshop boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I just had some ideas for a Harry Potter au so here they are. I did some research but there still may be some inconsistencies with the original story so sorry if that's the case. Also I am trying to get into writing so any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!! I haven't 100% hashed out the plot so if you have any ideas please let me know :) Anyway, hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

Ethan blinked his eyes open drowsily, taking a second to adjust to the new environment. He had never slept in a four poster bed before, taking a second to study the graffiti on the wooden planks above him; small carving of people's names, halfheartedly scrawled jokes and dates. Curtains lined the bed, a sort of faded mustard in colour, and he must have forgotten to close them last night because light shone in through the windows, warming his face.

'Ethan! You're awake!' Noah, as energetic as ever bounced up to the side of his bed, tugging him up, 'We were just about to go to breakfast, wanna join?' Ethan looked past him to the two other boys he had met last night- Ben and Charlie. Ben was indisputably ginger- "Often get mistaken for a Weasley" he'd told him, although Ethan hadn't quite understood what he meant, and was one of those people who you could talk to for five minutes and felt like you'd known them forever. Charlie, however, was slightly more reserved, probably the one that Ethan knew the least about and went for a more disheveled look- shirt untucked, robes probably inside out- and Ethan could easily imagine his mop of chesnut hair often being found buried in a book. He did have a very friendly toad that Ethan had already had the pleasure of meeting, so that was a plus. After getting dressed he grabbed his robe and books, noting that Tyler was somehow asleep despite the noise all of them were making, and followed the others out.

If he thought breakfast was good at his old school he had another thing coming. More breakfast foods than he could even think of were laid out on all the tables, most of which he had never seen before- just looking at everything made him forget how much he had eaten last night. If he finished this school year without eating enough junk food to seriously compromise his health he would consider it a win. He and Noah sat opposite the other two, who took a seat next to Kathryn and someone Ethan hadn't met yet. Her hair was cotton-candy pink, and she offered him a toothy grin as she reached her hand out to shake his.

'I'm Ava, you must be the new kid'

'Yeah, hi. I'm Ethan'

'I was new here, a few years ago. I know it can be intimidating but don't let it scare you- especially the amount of food on offer, that took me a while to get used to' Her mouth fell back into a grin, and Ethan noticed the freckles dusting her cheeks. _Is there anyone in Hufflepuff who isn't one of the nicest people he's ever met?_

'Something tells me that won't be a problem' Kathryn jutted in, and Ethan joined in with her laughter.

'Seriously though,' he looked down at the spread before him, 'Why do you need 15 different types of tea?'

Noah chuckled, pouring them both a cup, 'Welcome to England mate'.

It was a while later when the hall was beginning to clear as everyone made their way to their classes. Ethan searched his pockets, before pulling out his timetable, thankful that he hadn't left it in his room.

'What do you have first?' Noah mumbled, his mouth full of toast yet still taking another bite.

'Uh...' he unfolded his timetable to check, 'Defense against the dark arts with Professor Langdon'.

'Oh nice, I have charms close-by so I can show you there if you want'.

Ava, who was also in his charms class tagged along as Noah led them up a massive staircase and through enough corridors for Ethan to wonder whether he was ever going to be able to make his way around this place without a guide. Waving goodbye to his friends, he entered the classroom. Massive arches lined the sides of the room, framing a small stage with a teacher's desk to his left. On the right there were lines of two-person wooden desks, a few of which had already been filled. Ethan grabbed an empty one not too close to the back and started to get his books out.

Almost as if he knew who was there, he glanced up just at the moment the boy walked in. Y'know, the boy he had spent all of yesterday thinking about and/or staring at? Yeah, him. Before he could register it, he was looking right back at Ethan, and flashed him a grin, tinging his cheeks pink. Ethan's heart rate only increased as he got closer, somehow not being able to find it in himself to take his eyes off him.

'Hi, I'm Mark, you're new.' He lent against the desk, setting his bag down. Ethan did not know how someone managed to look this good at 9 in the fucking morning, but here he was- hair tousled so that a few stray strands fell on the sides of his face, untucked shirt just barely visible beneath his jumper. Plus that lopsided grin that made Ethan's stomach flip.

Ethan laughed nervously, 'Yeah, I'm Ethan, it's nice to meet you'.

'You're French?' he remarked, slightly surprised. Ethan nodded in confirmation- although he had been taught English from an early age, he still had a hint of an accent when speaking English, but no one tended to notice. 'That's cute, maybe I can teach you the British ways', waggling his eyebrows as he chuckled, and Ethan's blush deepened. He gestured to the seat beside Ethan- 'May I, _monsieur_?' he asked teasingly, and Ethan could only laugh as he sat down.

'So, what made you move schools?'

'My school closed actually, so I moved here.'

'Your school closed?' Mark repeated back at him, 'Why?'

'Oh um, y'know, financial stuff, I don't uh- I don't really know the details'. He did not want to get into _that_ right now.

Thankfully, Mark picked up on his discomfort and dropped it, although he could tell Mark was burning with curiosity. He seemed like that kind of person. He was about to ask something else when a commanding voice sounded from the front of the classroom.

'Good morning everyone! What a lovely coincidence that your first lesson of the year happens to be none other than the best subject this school offers- defense against the dark arts.' The source of the voice, a youngish woman maybe in her 30s or 40s, with jet black, unruly curls, began spelling her name on the chalkboard.

'Professor Langdon, some of you may already know me, but all of you will be having me for the next two years. So you better make me like you.' She smiled, kind but stern. 'Also, I see we have a new student, stand up dear, what's your name?'

Ethan stood nervously, introducing himself and earning a sarcastic whoop from Mark. He looked down at him in mock annoyance, but couldn't help but break into a smile, thankful for the distraction from the whole class looking at him. He could tell that they were going to get along. 

They didn't talk much throughout the lesson, instead listening to Professor Langdon give an overview of the course, but their conversation picked back up as they were packing up at the end of the class.

'What do you have next?' Mark asked, glancing up at him between the books he was fitting into his bag.

'Potions'

'With Snape? Me too, I'm assuming you don't know the way.'

'Not even in the slightest' he replied, giggling.

'What other NEWTs do you take then?'

'Herbology, Alchemy, Care of Magical Creatures, and Charms' 

'I take Herbology and Charms too, and then Arithmancy, so we'll probably have quite a few classes together.' Smiling, he led the way to Snape's classroom, which turned out to be a dungeon. Ethan hoped the setting didn't reflect this Professor's personality.

Turns out, Ethan's gut was right, the Professor started off the lesson with a lecture on the difficulty of the course, and how many of them would most likely fail. _How positive._ They paired up to brew some _Elixir to induce Euphoria_ , or what Professor Snape described: "A task to weed out the more incompetent of you early in the year". 

Ethan flicked through Mark's book, finding the correct page and skimming the ingredients with the tip of his finger. 'Ok, can you get the shrivelfig, and I'll find the porcupine quills' 

'Yes sir' Mark mock saluted him, earning a giggle from Ethan.

As if by magic, Snape appeared beside them. 'Fischbach. I would hardly consider this the time _or place_ to be messing around, unless you are planning on failing you exams.' _Fischbach. German?_ Ethan made a note to ask Mark about it later. He turned to Ethan, 'And don't think I will be going easy on you because you are new. Keep your grades up or you will not be returning to this class next year.'

As he swept off, Mark spoke lowly to Ethan- 'I think he likes us'.

Soon their concoction had turned a daffodil kind of yellow, and was effervescing ever so slightly. Pretty good, if Ethan may say so himself- potions had always been one of his favourite subjects and having it with Mark hadn't harmed the situation. He felt like he hadn't stopped smiling since he walked in the classroom, much to Snape's distress. Despite his distaste towards them, he couldn't help but nod in approval at their potion, the accuracy of which he did not see often, even in a NEWT class.

'Well done', he spoke slowly, drawing out his words, 'As much as I hate to say it, 10 points to both Gryffindor and Hufflepuff- you have the next two years to prove that this wasn't a fluke'.

Ethan held up his hand which Mark high fived, laughing a little. He helped Ethan find his next class, both of them still chatting away about potions.

'I don't think I've ever got house points from that man, or even seen him give them to someone not in Slytherin'

Ethan grinned as they paused outside the classroom door, 'Guess we make a good team then'

'Guess we do, see you around Eth.' He left with a smirk. Ethan had never been one for nicknames, but somehow he didn't mind this one too much. Or maybe it was the person using it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello- still kind of an introduction chapter, so it should get more interesting soon (hopefully :)) Thank you to anyone who left feedback I've tried to work on it in this and the next few chapters. I'm hoping that by the end of the book my writing will have improved! Anyway, thanks again for all the support and kudos, it is really appreciated, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter <3


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning had Ethan waking to some rather loud rustling, followed by a dull thud and a sharp 'Ow'. A familiar mop of blonde curls popped up on the other side of the bed next to Ethan's.

'Hello Ethan!' Noah exlaimed, 'Banged my head. Sorry to wake you but have you seen my Quidditch gloves?'

Ethan rubbed his eyes, sitting up. 'I don't think I have, sorry. Do you want me to help look?'

'Yeah, they should be under here somewhere'. Ethan joined him on the floor, digging around the underside of his bed.

'I didn't know you played Quidditch.'

'I mean, I thought you could guess by the broom at the end of my bed. Or, you know, the 50 posters of the Wimbourne Wasps I have on my walls'.

Ethan laughed, glancing up to confirm that Noah did, in fact, have about 50 quidditch posters that he had somehow failed to notice. 'Yeah I probably should have noticed that, what position do you play?'.

'Beater. When I started a few years ago I was a keeper, but I quickly realised that I couldn't stay still that long to save my life.'

Ethan chuckled, 'I can imagine. Hey, wait are these them?' He dug around a little, reaching out for the brown leather he could see peeking out from under some clothes.

'Yeah! Thanks man, I thought I was gonna have to go gloveless for a sec there. Do you wanna come watch? It's only practice, but Charlie's coming too- he usually just reads a book or something'

Ethan agreed, starting to change into his uniform and grabbing his herbology textbook on the way out. They ambled into the hall, Noah blabbering on about the time he forgot his gloves and a bludger smashed right into his arm, 'It's like those fuckers know when somethings up- I swear one day I'll get my revenge.'

They approached Charlie who was already there but looked as though he was finishing up his breakfast. 'Hi Noah, have you checked the time recently?'.

He glanced at the clock, 'Oh shit! I'm going to be late, I'll have to eat on the way there'. They both grabbed some toast, Charlie closing his book and following them to the Quidditch pitch. As they approached, Ethan could see people on red uniforms zooming around the pitch.

'Uh... Are you sure it's Hufflepuff practice today?'.

'Oh yeah, it is we're just sharing the time with Gryffindor because Slytherin took their practice time earlier this week- you know how they are. It might actually be good though, our teams get on pretty well so we're having a practice match.'

He followed Charlie up to the stands, about to get his book out when a familiar face caught his attention. Mark spotted him instantly and waved, grinning. His Quidditch uniform was predominantly red, although yellow lining peeked through his cloak, which was tied closed at the front with some string. _Yep, red definitely looks good on him._ He waved back dazed. _Since when does Mark play Quidditch?_

He hadn't realised that he had said it out lout until Charlie replied. 'You know Mark? He's Gryffindor captain, joined the team only second year but he's a killer chaser. Their team also has that Seeker, Potter, y'know the famous one? He's always doing wacky shit'.

'How do you mean?'

'His first game he swallowed the snitch! Don't ask me how because I couldn't tell you. He's a bloody good seeker though, won them almost as many matches as Fischbach has.'

Charlie looked to the field for a second before returning to his book. Ethan tried to read his book, but the practice was a little distracting. He watched as a Gryffindor intercepted a throw, diving down on the shot, her sleek ponytail following her movement. She pulled up, soaring towards the goals, but tossed to Mark at the last second, who was flying by the other side. On receiving the ball from his teammate, he effortlessly lobbed it through one of the hoops. Ethan wondered whether there was anything Mark _wasn't_ good at. He turned, catching Ethan's eye who blushed at being caught staring, but Mark was unfazed, sending him a smirk and a wink that sent his heart racing. He was thankful that Charlie was too far into his book to notice, and tried to mimic his concentration.

-

Later that week was Ethan's first Care of Magical Creature's lesson. He, Tyler, and Kathryn were making their way outside, the gravel crunching underfoot. Tyler looked a little out of it, not really paying much attention, but he perked up when Kathryn began to speak.

'So Ethan, what's going on between you and Mark?'

He felt himself blush, _was he really that obvious?_ Sometimes he forgot that everyone already knew Mark, since they'd been in the same year long before Ethan turned up. 'What do you mean?' He tried not to stutter, not wanting to show his nerves.

'Come on, I saw you two in herbology. You guys were laughing so hard I was concerned the fumes had got to you. Just wondering whether there was anything going on...' She looked at him with a teasing expression, eyebrows raised. Tyler was looking at him too.

'No Kathryn, nothings going on. Well, I mean we're in a few classes together so we made friends but that's it'. _Did Kathryn really think someone that hot would be interested in him? Seriously?_

'Good' Tyler said firmly, and they both looked at him, surprised. 'I mean I never really liked the guy anyway, seemed kinda rude but that might just be me. Plus, you should probably stick to people in your house for the most part, especially if you're new. Some people take the house system very seriously'.

Ethan nodded, unsure of how to respond. It was unlike Tyler to be this... forward? Critical? Ethan didn't know how to describe it. He guessed Tyler must just be in a weird mood, but he couldn't figure out why. Kathryn didn't say anything as they continued to their lesson.

They looked to be early judging by the lack of people, and Professor Hagrid was untying a feathered creature from a post outside his hut. It had a horse-like body, except its neck extended into the head of some sort of bird- an eagle, Ethan guessed- with wings tucked into its sides and front feet curled into long talons. It poised itself with almost enough elegance to distract someone from the mischievous glint in its eye.

Hagrid called out when he spotted them coming down the hill, 'Tyler, Kathryn- nice seein' ya again. And I don't believe we've met 'ave we?' Hagrid switched the hand in which he was holding the untied rope to reach out and offer it to Ethan.

He took it, his hand dwarfed by the size of his teacher's, 'Uh, no sir. I'm Ethan- I just joined' 

'Ethan! Nice ter meet ya. So tell me- what d'ya want to be?'

'Oh um, I'm not sure- I want to go into either potions or care of magical creatures, I haven't decided yet'.

'Ah well maybe I can convince ya to take the latter' He winked at him, his hand that had just been shaking Ethan's pulling off a ferret that was tied to his belt and chucking it into the air. The creature rose up onto its hind legs to snatch the poor ferret from out of the air, its wings extending outwards to show the impressive span they covered. The three of them backed up out of instinct.

'Don't mind 'im ' Hagrid called out to them, 'He wouldn't hurt a fly, he would. Well, that is if yer don't get on his bad side'. The creature landed, tilting its head back as it finished off its snack. 'This is Buckbeak- a Hippogriff. Beautiful creatures. He's a good one, he is. Usually I wouldn't show him to sixth years but I wanted to test him out to make sure he's suitable for my third years tomorrow. Cheeky sods they are and I know you lot are more comfortable with this kind of stuff.'

A few other students had begun to arrive, and Hagrid led them to a wider clearing not too far away, talking about how he had got Buckbeak from a breeder in Italy of all places, along with a few others he hadn't tamed well enough to share with them just yet.

Once they were there, Hagrid taught them how to approach Buckbeak, bowing and maintaining eye contact, and waiting for a bow back before approaching. He demonstrated, and then let people go up in groups while everyone else sat around and talked.

Eventually, him, Kathryn and Tyler made their way up, Ethan deciding to go first.

'Be careful' Tyler said softly from behind him. Ethan turned and gave him a small smile of reassurance which he returned. He took his time, back slowly lowering into a bow, his eyes not wavering from the yellow ones before him. He held his breath, everything seeming to go silent for a second. It was the soft lowering of the hippogriff's head that had Ethan relaxing, his mouth curling up into a grin.

'Hey fella,' he cooed, holding out his arm a little hesitantly before him. Buckbeak moved forward, skimming the palm of Ethan's hand with his head. His feathers were soft, barely catching on the tips of his fingers as he pet him. It reminded him of his dog at home, Spencer. He would always come up to Ethan, pushing his head under his hand in an attempt to be stroked. He smiled at the thought. _God he missed him._ Reluctantly, he stepped aside to let the other two have a go.

-

Ethan was shaking slightly as he fell asleep that night, yet somehow he didn't see it coming.

_He knew where he was before he opened his eyes. No matter what, he knew he was always going to make his way back here, somehow. No matter how many times he lived through it. No matter how hard he tried to stay away, he couldn't. He couldn't allow himself to leave it alone. Like a coin circling around a coin collector- constantly moving, yet never quite getting anywhere. Except when he got too close to the center he would pull back, afraid. Yet he still came back, time after time, as if to check it was still there. Or like aggravated skin, he just kept itching to touch. Not having the willpower to hold back- his mind kept mulling over the thought, making its way back into his brain over and over and over again, more persistently each time, fingernails scratching his skin harder and harder until-_

_His skin had started to bleed. Or more, the thoughts had bled their way out of his head and into his reality and now he was here. Again._

_He took it in, so familiar it was almost comforting. His back pressed to the underside of an upturned desk, head and knees tucked into his chest, as if that would be any sort of protection against anything. A scream from not too far off was cut off and then it was silent. He could hear his heartbeat, thudding so loud he couldn't tell if it was really his heart or footsteps approaching. He could check if he opened his eyes but he wouldn't. Every time, hoping that if he couldn't see it it wouldn't happen. As if the world wouldn't continue if he didn't let it. His breathing was only picking up, one hand pressed over his mouth to try and stifle the sound. He could taste the salt of his sweat mixed with the moisture of his breath. It was staggered, coming out in little jumps, his lungs quivering as much as the rest of him was. His other hand was clenched around her arm, fingernails dug into her skin yet his grip was still not tight enough, it wasn't going to work._

_He could hear her breathing and he almost started to cry. Not this, not again._

_Right on time, the urge grew. The pull that drew him back every time, the itch he knew would bleed but couldn't stop himself, couldn't stop himself from being compelled to open his eyes. He knew what would happen the moment he did. Time was waiting for him, waiting to show him, present it to him like some sort of sick prize. He squeezed his eyes tighter, knowing he was on the edge of succumbing but not wanting to hear the silence that was sure to follow._

_It finally broke him, as usual, his body giving in no matter how hard he screamed at it not to. His eyes flew open, squinting against the flash of green was so intense he could feel his skin burn from the cold. He couldn't do this, not again, please not again-_

_His_ _hand clenching her arm felt her muscles slack._

_He'd done it again, oh god he'd killed her again she's dead all because he couldn't control himself, couldn't keep his eyes closed, preserving her last moment of life, and now she's dead, she's fucking dead, she-_

He startled, legs involuntarily jerking beneath him as he awoke, pulse throbbing in his ears. Even though he knew he was awake now he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. His pillow was wet- whether from tears or sweat he didn't know- and he buried himself further into it, keeping his sobs quiet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, a little more angst in this chapter- I haven't ever written a dream before so let me know how it was :) Also I know Hagrid doesn't start teaching until next year in the time frame I'm doing but I wanted to include him so oh well. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

Last night hadn't been the best night for Ethan. He gone without the dream for months, probably the longest it had ever been for him. He couldn't deny the fact that maybe a small part of him had hoped that it was over with. That he'd never have to think about it again. Of course, the logical part of him knew that would never be the case.

He hadn't really felt like talking to anyone that morning, waking- except not really waking considering he had barely been asleep- too early to have to interact with anyone and making his way to the library, hoping studying could bring about some sort of distraction. It had been a couple hours (Or longer, he wasn't really sure) and his plan hadn't exactly worked. He could barely focus on the words in the books before him, let alone what they were supposed to mean, his lack of productivity only increasing how shit he felt. He yawned, turning another half-read page when a deep yet amused voice startled him.

'Hello, stranger'

Ethan looked up, and couldn't help the way the corners of his mouth upturned at seeing a sleepy looking Mark smiling back at him, 'What brings you here at this hour?' he asked, leaning over so that his eyes could skim the book he had open, 'Alchemy?' Mark hummed thoughtfully, 'How fascinating.'

Ethan chuckled, mood lifting a little already. _Maybe some human interaction was what he needed._ 'I could ask you the same question'

'Oh, I had to return a book, figured I'd get it done first thing so I didn't forget.' His eyes flitted over him, 'You look tired. And hungry. Have you had breakfast yet?'

Ethan's smile faltered a little, remembering why he came, 'No I uh didn't really feel like it'.

Mark regarded him, thoughtful, and Ethan felt himself flush a little under his gaze. He placed a gentle hand on his arm. 'Wait right here. I'll be back- give me like, 5 minutes.' 

And with that he was gone, Ethan letting his head fall into his hands. It was almost as is he felt guilty for being happy, too soon after last night. No, not almost, he was definitely guilty. _Why couldn't he let himself have this?_ He couldn't help but be happy around Mark, the boy always seemed to know the exact right thing to say to make him smile. God, he sounded like some cheesy romance movie. To be fair, he was most definitely pining over Mark, but he couldn't help himself- who wouldn't?

He closed his eyes, tired from thinking too much. He could fall asleep now, he was certainly tired enough to. And he'd just wake up, not missing anything except maybe a few hours of moping around being sad. 

A tap on his shoulder had him lifting his head.

'Hey' Mark spoke softly, bent over and elbows resting on the desk, close enough for his gaze to have to flit between both of Ethan's eyes, 'You ready?' _God, d_ _oes he really have to be so attractive all the time? Like couldn't he just be ugly for like one second? Let his self esteem recover a little maybe?_ Ethan was almost too tired to forget that he had been focusing at Mark a little too long, nodding as pink returned to his cheeks.

'Take out the books you need and we'll go'.

He followed Mark, who had come back with some books of his own, as he led him through the halls to an empty classroom. There was a central desk, on which Mark had laid crisps, pastries, and other snacks he must have got from the dining room.

'Mark, I-', he looked over at Mark, whose expression was so soft that he wanted to push him against the wall and kiss him right there. He felt like he couldn't convey the level of affection he felt just through his eyes. His cheeks reddened- _W_ _hat was he thinking?_

'You just seemed kinda down, and it didn't look like you were getting much done, so I thought we could have a study session. And then you said you hadn't had breakfast so I brought some snacks to keep us motivated.' He grinned, walking forward and dumping his books on the table. 'Well, are you going to join?'

Ethan was silent, still a little shocked, wondering how on earth it was possible for someone to be this thoughtful. Had he just got lucky in meeting like, the nicest person ever? Without even thinking, he took a few steps forward, wrapping his arms around him.

'O-Okay' Mark sounded surprised- Ethan didn't think he'd ever heard him stutter before, usually so confident and sure of himself. His arms threaded under Ethan's, hugging his waist tightly. Mark's hair tickled his ear, close enough for Ethan to smell the intoxicating scent of his shampoo, combined with a hint of the coffee he must have been drinking. His breathing slowed, melting into Mark's touch. Their proximity had Ethan's brain short-circuiting, hyper-aware of every place they were touching, his skin tingling. In spite of how nervous it made him, it also felt so right, him not remembering the last time he felt so safe.

Reluctantly, he pulled away, Mark letting go after. He felt goosebumps arise on his skin from the sudden lack of heat.

'Thank you'- whether it was for the food, the hug, the friendship, he didn't know.

Mark glanced away, looking a little flustered. Maybe he should have warned him before just hugging him out of the blue. 'Don't worry about it, you would've done the same'.

Honestly, he thought studying with Mark would have been a little distracting to say the least, but it turns out he was wrong. Mark helped him with some of his catch-up work, managing to explain things in a way that made complete sense to Ethan, especially when the textbook just seemed like a mess of words. In return, he helped him with some of the theory for potions, which he had always found easier than the rest of his subjects. Ethan didn't think he'd ever studied so efficiently in his life.

It was nearing the end of lunch, and at some point Mark had gone and replenished their food but even that had begun to dwindle down again. They both had lessons in the afternoon, and the comfortable silence that had fallen over them whilst studying remained as they packed away their books.

Mark was the first to break it, glancing to Ethan beside him as he stacked a few bowls, 'This was fun'.

Ethan could only grin back at him, heart so full of contentment, 'Yeah, it really was. We should do it again.'

'You have frees this time every week?' Ethan nodded, 'We could make this weekly. If you want.'

Ethan agreed, a little light-headed at the thought of being able to do this again. 

Mark seemed to mull something over before turning to face him, a little hesitancy in his actions. 'Y'know, me and my friends are having a games night tonight. Just our dorm. You could come if you want- I could introduce you to them.'

Ethan was silent a moment, processing, before Mark quickly added 'You don't have to obviously, no pressure. I don't mind if-'

'I'll come'. 

Mark smiled, seemingly regaining his confidence. 'Great- I'll meet you after dinner'

-

He couldn't stop grinning, all through his alchemy class, which was quickly picked up on by his friends.

'What's got you so cheerful?' Kathryn asked him. Noah sat one seat along from her and turned towards them, intrigued.

'Mark invited me to come play games with his friends tonight, I'm just excited.' He tried to restrain his grin as to not let it take up his _entire_ face. He pointedly ignored the amused look an Kathryn's face.

Noah leaned in- 'You're friends with Mark?! You better not be telling him my quidditch plays' 

'Oh yes they're definitely friends, _just friends_ of course.' Kathryn butted in.

'Shut up!' Ethan whisper-shouted, swatting her arm with his hand.

'What does tha-' Noah hesitated, something dawning on him and his voice lowered to a whisper. 'Ohhhh, you _like_ him'

'I do not! We're just friends' he said firmly, and he was definitely blushing to his ears by now, his face on fire.

Noah had never looked so excited. 'Oh you _so_ like him, you have to ask him out, we can-'

'You three!' Noah was cut off by Professor Zimmerman- a particularly grumpy man- 'Stop whispering or it'll be detention for all of you.'

Ethan glared at the other two, Kathryn and Noah only giving him shit-eating grins. He buried his head in his arms, 'God I hate both of you' he mumbled, hearing them laugh before the teacher shushed them again.

-

Ethan couldn't stop himself from constantly glancing at Mark throughout dinner, who smiled at him whenever he caught his eye. He had never paid too much attention to his friends before, but looking at them now and knowing he was going to have to meet them kind of intimidated him. The one sitting on Mark's side he recognised from the bookshop (which seemed like ages ago), and to his credit had quite a friendly face, with shortish yet messy hair and subtle blue eyes that somehow still managed to feel warm. He had black studs in his ears, and Ethan was slightly jealous of the way he could pull it off. The other two Ethan could only manage to see the back of.

As his friends were getting up to go back to the common room, he caught Mark's eye again, who beckoned him over. He nervously made his way round to Mark's side, who greeted him with a large smile, turning back to his friends as he sat down.

'Guys this is Ethan' He must have sensed Ethan's nerves as he placed a hand on his lower back comfortingly. _Because that wasn't distracting._ 'Ethan, this is Sean, Louis and Finn'.

Sean was the one he had been looking at earlier, who greeted him in an accent he couldn't quite place. Louis was brawny, and would definitely not look out of place on a quidditch pitch or sports magazine, with cropped black hair and eyes to match- probably some of the darkest Ethan could remember, yet his friendly expression stopped him from seeming like anything but, a strong sense of geniality about him. Finally he let his eyes drift over to Finn- whose hair was such an inky black that it must have been dyed, a stark contrast to the paleness of his face and lanky frame. He soon found out that Finn wasn't so much the talkative type, hanging back as the extroverts took the lead in the conversation, and yet he still managed to provide a healthy balance the group needed- so much so that Ethan felt like he fit right in with the others.

'Ethan! The one and only. I hope you're ready for the night of your life.' Louis grinned at him, revealing a perfect set of teeth.

'Yeah,' Sean added, 'Things can get a little... competitive'

Mark's hand dropped from its place on Ethan's back to grab a breadstick.

'I wouldn't worry about him, he's smart' Mark commented, taking a bite of his breadstick before pointing the broken end at Finn, 'He might even give _you_ a run for your money'.

Finn just grinned, 'We'll see about that'.

They left the dining hall around seven and took him to the common room, covering his ears so that he wouldn't hear the password. It was different to the Hufflepuff one, notably furnished in red rather than yellow, and had long windows that spanned almost to the height of the ceiling. There were a few people dotted around, but none particularly paid him any attention as he followed the others up the staircase to their dorm. They took off their robes, Ethan following suit and throwing his on the bed, next where to Mark had discarded his, looking up at him as he toed of his shoes.

'How long are you planning on staying?'

Ethan started to loosen his tie, 'I don't mind, I can always sneak back if I stay after curfew'. His fingers fiddled with his top button, popping it open so he could be a little more comfortable. Mark's eyes followed the action, lingering a second before returning to his face. _God why did he have to look at him like that? It was almost like Mark knew he was into him and was trying to torture him. Well if he was, it was working._

'I mean yeah, sure. If you think you can get past Filch.'

'I cast a pretty good cloaking spell, so'

Mark gave him a nod of _fair enough_ before they went to join the others.

'Say Ethan, have you ever played exploding snap?' Louis started to deal the cards

He was about to respond when a brush against his arm distracted him. A head of soft black fur nudged at his elbow, two green eyes blinking up at him expectantly. 

'Aw hello there, what's your name?' He reached out and gave the cat's ears a scratch who in return walked forward, rubbing its side against Ethan's leg.

'Lily'. He glanced up at Mark, who was watching him with a smile on his face. 'I think she likes you'.

The cat- Lily- climbed between Ethan's crossed legs, curling up so that its head rested on his thigh, her little white paws sticking out. Ethan thought he could just about melt from the cuteness, his thumb gently stroking the top of her head. _Of course Mark had to have a cat- and a perfect one at that._

Needless to say, Ethan lost most of the rounds of snap, trying not to make any sudden moves and scare Lily off. He had his priorities in order.

Eventually, much to his disappointment, Lily woke up and left, hopping up onto Mark's bed. Ethan shivered a little from the cold that hit him, beginning to unroll his sleeves.

'You cold?' He looked up from whatever game they were playing to meet Mark's eyes. 'I can lend you a jumper if you want?'

'Are you sure?' His eyes followed Mark as he got up, rummaging through one of his draws before tossing a bundle of fabric to Ethan.

He barely had the reaction speed to catch it before it could hit him in the face, shooting a grateful smile at Mark. It was a deep blue in colour, with some sort of brand logo on the back. He pulled it on, reveling in the way the soft material brushed against his skin. It smelt of Mark, leaving him feeling a little light-headed but he ignored it. He felt Marks gaze on him, looking up, but Mark let his eyes flit away, blushing slightly. _Weird._

They decided to play wizard's chess, him and Sean teaming up against Mark and Finn, whilst Louis happily took the role of commentator. 

'If we move that pawn out the way of our rook we can take his knight' Sean's voice was low, as to not share their strategy with the others.

'Or we could move our bishop out to where it's protected by our knight, and corner their queen'

Sean grinned at him 'I like you'. He raised his voice so that the others could hear, 'Bishop to H5'

Sean and Ethan giggled as the other two swore and turned away to discuss their next move. Not that Sean and Ethan were going to let them get away without losing their queen.

Ethan couldn't remember the last time he had this much fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, slightly longer chapter so I hope you enjoyed! As always, criticism is always appreciated and thank you for reading :)


	5. Chapter 5

The night had eventually wound down, Ethan so exhausted from the lack of sleep the night prior that he struggled to keep his eyes open at times, but it was the early hours of the morning before Ethan began to make his way back. He could still feel the echo of Mark's warm hand on his back from when he had said goodbye, telling him to be careful not to get caught, and insisting on him keeping his hoodie on to protect him from the cold. He smiled gently, remembering the tenderness in Mark's voice, his eyes, his touch. Tugging on the ends of his sleeves he sighed, breath ghosting white in the cool air (Mark had been right about the cold) and stopped himself from getting carried away.

The night was beautiful at this hour, and yet somehow it was the hour that no one was awake to appreciate it. Through the softly rattling windows he could almost see the wind, or at least its path as it traced its way through the forest. The breeze was intangible but the evidence of its presence was very much alive- a heedless thief at a crime scene, leaving behind flapping and fluttering leaves; butterfly wings against the sullen night.

Winter was imminent- he could tell by the frost-bitten grass and the damp and tangy taste of pine that sat on the back of his tongue -a far off rain-shower that was sure to come, letting itself be known by the heavy clouds that hung above. As much as he was tempted to rush outside- let the freezing air bite at his skin, soak in the familiarity of a fatally cold night- he held himself back, shivering slightly in the stagnant air as he stepped into the common room.

Expecting more darkness but instead being met with the soft glow of a fiery lantern, the surprised look that must have formed on his face was paralleled by his friend's before him.

'Tyler?' The light just about illuminated the room enough for Ethan to make out his features, curled on one of the sofas with a weighty book upon his lap. Ignoring the tired, foggy thoughts in his brain begging for sleep, he approached, the couch dipping ever so slightly beneath him as he sat down. 'What are you doing here?'

Tyler let one of his hands settle down the part of his book, marking his page. 'I usually stay up late to read, but I didn't want to wake everyone up with the light.'

A few things clicked into place in his brain- this made sense- Tyler was always asleep long into the morning, Ethan never usually seeing him until the end of breakfast, and thinking about it he never really saw him go to sleep with the others. Ethan cursed himself for being so wrapped up in himself all the time- wanting to notice these things about his friends before he was told them. 

'Why were you out so late? Is everything ok?' Tyler interrupted his thought process.

'Oh, yeah I'm fine. I was just out playing games with some friends.'

'With Mark?' Tyler's tone changed as soon as the words left his mouth, from delicate and caring to pissed.

'Y-yeah' Ethan knew Tyler had a distaste towards him but had never expected him to be so touchy about it. He felt a small seed of anger swell within him, not an emotion he often felt, or for that matter not an emotion he readily welcomed either. 'Look, he's really nice when you get to know him, I don't see why-'

Tyler's jaw clenched, his voice raising slightly, ' _God_ Ethan, you don't know him like I do. You don't know what he's capable of. You shouldn't just go around trusting everyone you meet because that's what's gonna get you into trouble' Ethan could see his knuckles whitening in the glint of the light, clenching his book as he emphasised the words that came thick out of his mouth.

'What are you saying?' He could feel stinging in his eyes, tears forming and threatening to spill, trying his hardest not to let his voice crack. 'I don't understand- you haven't even _talked_ to him, you don't _know_ him, why are you saying this?'

Tyler's expression softened, reaching out a hand to comfort him but he shied away, 'Ethan I'm-... I'm sorry' Tyler's eyes searched his, almost pleadingly. 'I didn't mean to lash out, it's just...' He breathed out, calming himself, eyes glancing down to try and find the right words. Ethan was silent, stung by the bite in his friend's words.

'You're so _trusting_ \- and it's great don't get me wrong- you just... you need to be more careful. I don't wan't you to get hurt, that's all.'

Ethan stood up, legs shaking slightly beneath him. 'I'm going to go sleep', and with that he left, feeling Tyler's eyes on him as he departed the room. In that moment, he didn't care. He was too tired to process properly, not really wanting to think about it, or anything for that matter, flopping onto his bed without even changing and finally letting his sleep-deprived brain switch off.

-

When Ethan awoke he was surprised to see Tyler already up, talking to the others as they got ready. He spotted him as Ethan sat up, making his way over and perching cautiously on the end of his bed.

'I just wanted to apologise for last night. I got mad and I really didn't mean to- I'm sorry'.

Ethan rubbed at his eyes as they adjusted to the light. 'No, it's okay. I probably shouldn't have walked out like that, I was just really tired'.

Tyler was fiddling with a lose thread on his jeans when he glanced up. 'Are we good?'

Ethan smiled, pulling himself out of bed, 'Yeah, we're good'.

Tyler returned it, 'Some of us are going to Hogsmeade after breakfast, wanna join?'

He agreed, getting changed into casual clothing since it was a Saturday and making his way to breakfast. Except he was intercepted before he got there by a distinctive- Irish, he had learned last night- voice.

'Ethan! I was just about to go look for you.' Sean rushed over from where he was exiting the dining hall with Louis and Finn.

'Hi Sean', he waited as Sean caught his breath a little, noticing Mark's absence from the group. It was unlike him to be up late. 'Where's Mark?'

'Quidditch practice. I wanted to talk to you about him actually.' Ethan felt his heart pick up, _he didn't know, did he?_

'It's his birthday next week, and we're having a small party, just the dorm really, and we were wondering whether you wanted to come.'

'Mark's birthday is next week?!' He echoed, 'Why didn't he tell me?'

'He's very low-key about it, I'm not surprised he didn't mention it.' They both shifted to the side of the staircase as someone tried to get past.

'I mean, yeah, of course I'd like to come. I don't want to intrude on any dorm thing though.' 

'Nah, you're chill, we all like you. Plus I think he'd want you to be there.' Ethan felt himself blush at that, still in shock that someone as sweet and thoughtful as Mark would want to be friends with him.

'Oh also,' Sean added, 'We were thinking of getting him a joint present- we're all chipping in for a Nimbus 2000: a lot better than the crappy broom he's using now. If you wanted to join you could, and it can be from all of us. No pressure obviously, I know it's a big ask.'

His parents were fairly well-off, both working for the French ministry, so money wasn't really a problem for him. He appreciated how nice Sean was about it though, and also how readily they were all accepting him into the group- he couldn't stop the grin that rose onto his face. 'That sounds great'.

'Cool! Oh and you left this at ours' Sean handed him his robe, which Ethan somehow hadn't noticed him holding until now.

He thanked and said goodbye to him, making his way into the dining room so he could get bullied by his friends (namely Kathryn and Noah) about last night.

-

He had never been to Hogsmeade before, but he had not being expecting this. Long, pointed rooftops bled down from crooked chimneys and slanted rooftops into narrow shop-faces, with warm golden hues that cast a glow into the street, just beginning to lighten from the dim sun of a winter morning. It was beautiful- the soft knocking of footsteps on cobble, the faint waft of a first batch of hot chips, the subtle beams of light that wove through the town- all of it, and Ethan couldn't help but imagine how breathtaking it would look in the snow that was sure to fall in the coming months. The buildings sloped forwards as they pushed up, enclosing the town, and it was hard to imagine there was a world beyond the looming spires, guiding the ebb and flow of chatter that rung throughout the street.

As they reached the edge of the town, he- along with Noah, Kathryn, and Ava- split of from Tyler, Charlie, and Ben in order to explore some of the shops. They had gone to Zonko's Joke Shop first, a place chock full of novelty gags and lurid colours, but it was an item in a smaller, more quaint shop that caught his attention. In fact, he never would have noticed the shop at all unless Ava had pointed it out, a tiny store that almost seemed to hunch over itself- a recluse from the real world. Inside were layers of old furniture atop creaky floorboards, with antiques, bric-a-brac, and the like.

'This is one of my favourite stores' Ava stated quietly, as it didn't feel right to break the delicate silence the shop was submerged in. She picked up a quill from a pot of them, examining it, 'You can always find the strangest things'.

Ethan explored deeper into the shop, and that was when he saw it. A bracelet, looped over some sort of ornament, dark brown- almost mahogany- leather was knotted all the way round, and in the center; a ruby- or what looked like one to Ethan, at least- deep red lined with a gold metal. Instantly it reminded him of Mark- whether it was the red or the fact that he thought about Mark probably a little too much, he didn't know- and with his birthday coming up Ethan had the perfect excuse to buy him something. He picked it up, running his fingers over the soft material, admiring the way the edges of the gem caught in the light. It was perfect.

They met back with the others at the Three Broomsticks towards late afternoon, ordering themselves a round of butterbeer, and taking one of the corner booths. Noah drank his almost immediately, the others laughing at him as the froth clung to his upper lip.

'What? Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you all laughing at me?'

'You- You got a little...' Kathryn made out between giggles, motioning to her lips.

Noah mirrored her, managing to glance the edge of the froth with his finger, the rest still very much there, 'Better?'

The table just burst back into laughter.

It was warm inside the pub, and Ethan wrapped his thawing hands around his butterbeer, running his thumb over the rim distractedly. Through the window he could see that it had started to rain, the droplets just starting to pool together in the dips between the stones in the path. The roar of laughter and cheering grew faint to his ears as he focused on the dull drone, the steady downpour on the roof. He could just about make out the distant rumble of thunder, feel the slight tremble through his feet, as if the earth could sense an impeding storm. People covered their heads with jackets as they cowered in the frames of doors, unwilling to venture out in such a salvo as this, not wanting to expose themselves to the ever-darkening sky. The wind tugged at their clothes, their hair, beckoning them to come play, asking whatever happened to the joy they used to get as kids, messing around in the rain.

The warmth of the bar had become almost jarring, Ethan looking back over to his laughing friends, stomach clenching in something that could almost be described as anticipation. _For what? He didn't know, but he was not looking forward to going out in that storm._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit more description in this chapter bc there wasn't much going on so sorry if it was a bit bland, writing description scenes is really fun though. I really hope you enjoyed, I'm excited to write the next few chapters so thank you for reading so far :)


	6. Chapter 6

Sean ushered him and the others into their dorm, closing the door behind him.

'Ok so here's the game plan. Mark has quidditch practice for another half an hour. First, Louis go with Finn to wherever you hid his present and the other party stuff. Ethan and I will go and bring back the food from the kitchens. Whoever gets back first sets up the decorations, and then I'll go and get Mark when he's done. Got it?'

They all nodded and began to carry out their ploy, Ethan following Sean to the kitchens. He didn't know what he was expecting- to be honest, before today he thought that they just magic-ed the food onto the tables- but a hustling hive of action filled with buzzing house elves had not made the list. Immediately as they entered hundreds of smells baffled his senses; frying bacon, buttered pot-roast, steamed vegetables, and countless he couldn't even identify; not a single inch of the room not taken up by some sort of concoction or a cooking elf. 

One adorned in an apron and chef's hat spotted them and rushed over, gesturing at a table already laden with food not too far away.

'Your food is over there- don't let Filch see you otherwise I'm not doing _anything_ like this for you again.' With that he left, tending to a pot that looked as though it was about to bubble over. _Damn, Hogwarts really is a weird place._

Upon the table were snacks, drinks, and -taking up the most space- a birthday cake; cream-white icing with a Gryffindor lion hand-painted on the top, 'Happy Birthday' in red arched letters above. Sean noticed Ethan studying it and commented.

'Sorry Ethan, but when you're in the best house you can't help but show it off.'

Ethan scoffed, picking up as much as he could carry- they were definitely going to have to come back for a second trip. 'You wish'. He used his foot to push open the door, peering round the corner to check for any teachers that would tell them off, 'How did you get the house elves to agree to this anyway?'

'I called in a few favours. Let's just say I have some friendly connections with some house elves back in Ireland. Sean winked at him- a terribly comical and over-the-top wink- continuing to chat as they made their way back. Louis and Finn had already started with decorations, a few balloons floating on the ceiling, streamers hanging from the bed posts. Once they had finally gone back and forth enough to gather all the food, they arranged it on the carpet in the center, Sean leaving to get Mark who had no idea any of this was happening.

Louis handed out party hats to him and Finn, and on them moving pictures- his was blue with someone blowing out the candles on a cake- and they even had a smaller one for Lily, who surprisingly didn't resist as Finn placed it over her ears- all of them giggling at the sight. Ethan cracked open on of the drinks- cheap-looking firewhiskey- pouring some to Louis and Finn as they held up their cups to him, before taking a swig himself, wincing a little at the sharp bitterness.

They fell silent as they heard voices coming up the stairs, Sean pushing open the door as he was followed in by Mark.

'Surprise!' Louis yelled, Ethan and Finn- on edge from all the joking and messing around before- trying to blow on their party blowers through their laughter.

'Aw guys, you didn't have to do this.' A smile rose on Mark's face, eyes crinkling softly as he looked down at them on the floor. _God_ did he have one of those addicting smiles- one that caused Ethan's heart to flutter in his chest, one he'd do anything just to see again. And, fucking hell, Ethan had somehow forgot how good Mark looked in his quidditch uniform- when he looked over Ethan couldn't help the way his breath caught slightly in his throat _. Fuck, why did he get so flustered every time the guy so much as looked at him._

'Come on birthday boy!' Sean patted his back jokingly before sitting down with the others, 'We gotta sing you a birthday song!'

Mark sighed in mock annoyance, joining them on the floor.

'Light 'em up!' Louis, still over-excited, spun the cake so it was facing Mark.

Ethan pulled his wand out of his jeans pocket, muttered ' _Incendio',_ and flames bloomed atop the candles. Mark grinned at him, leaning back on his hands. 'Most excellent incantation' he mocked, obviously impersonating Professor Flitwick, their charms teacher.

Ethan shrugged, smirking. 'Sorry, can't help being top of the class'. He couldn't be more wrong- charms was usually the subject Mark ended up helping Ethan in.

'For fuck's sake will you two quit flirting already so we can sing to Mark?' Sean teased, Ethan blushing and turned away, trying to preoccupy himself by stroking Lily, who had appeared with perfect timing next to him. He didn't miss the way Mark shot a flustered look at Sean- _clearly uncomfortable with the idea,_ Ethan thought.

They sung him happy birthday, completely off-key and out of tune, Mark covering his ears with his hands by the end, and then egged him on to make a wish afterwards, to which Mark comically responded that he wished he'd never have to hear any of them sing ever again. Which was fair enough.

Mark stood up to go get changed, not before Ethan noticed the hoodie he'd only returned a few days prior poking out one of his drawers, the hoodie he'd _conveniently_ forgotten to give back for a while. Definitely just because it was a really comfortable hoodie, no other reason.

Ethan turned back, wondering when to give Mark the bracelet- his hand instinctively reaching into the front pocket of his hoodie, fingers quickly finding the item- hoping Mark would like it. He didn't really expect him to wear it all the time, just wanted even a little something to show Mark he was grateful for all the nice things he had done for him. He was beginning to lose count.

The others had already begun to do useful and productive things; Sean cutting the cake, Louis and Finn loading their paper plates with food, Ethan sitting around unsure for a minute before picking up the discarded pile of remaining party hats.

'Sean what colour party hat do you want?'

'Uhh I don't know, what colours are- hey! Quit that!' He turned his face away in an attempt to stop Ethan as he forced one over his head, both of the giggling madly. After a bit of a struggle, Ethan succeeded, Sean rubbing his cheek from where the elastic snapped him, pouting. 'That wasn't very nice', his voice dripping with fake sternness.

'Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Anti-Party-hat club leader'. The joke wasn't even that funny, but for some reason they all burst into a laughter they couldn't seem to stop, the alcohol they'd got from the kitchen seemingly starting to get to them. The night had barely started and already his stomach was hurting from laughter. When Ethan caught his breath he turned around to Mark behind him, 'Mark what colour h-'

Turns out he had chosen just about the worst time to turn around: Mark still changing, half-way through pulling a shirt over his head. Ethan assumed it was the quidditch but _fuck_ was Mark was toned as hell- _how had he never noticed this before?_ \- and although he wasn't really surprised, it didn't stop his brain reminding him that he had _literally never seen anyone this hot before in his life_ , and definitely didn't change the fact that his face soon felt on fire, a flush spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.

Mark blushed too, breaking eye contact to grab a jumper from his bed, and once Ethan's brain decided to respond he did the same, fiddling with the elastic on the hats.

'Um, don't mind' Mark finally responded, pulling his jumper over his head as he returned to his spot next to Ethan, who in turn handed him a hat, still too embarrassed to speak. _God did he have to make himself so obvious? No wonder Mark's uncomfortable._

'Oh Mark! I forgot we got you a present!' Louis crawled over to his bed, where he had hastily stashed the broomstick, messily wrapped in newspaper.

'Can you guess what it is?' Finn asked in mock exclamation as Louis handed it to Mark.

'You guys got me a broom? Wow, I-' He paused as he peeled the first piece off, revealing the shiny gold lettering on the end of the broom. He glanced up at the others for confirmation, who all just grinned back at him, giddy with excitement.

'A Nimbus 2000?! Are you serious?' He tore of the rest of the wrapping, running his fingers over the tamed bristles appreciatively, 'Guys you didn't- I didn't think-' He looked up, eyebrows knitted together in affection, 'Thank you. Really.'

'Aww don't go soppy on us now mate' Finn teased, pulling out a pack of cards, 'It's time for the real fun to begin.'

-

The played games late into the evening, and only the dong of the clock tower brought them back into reality.

Sean looked at his watch. 'Shit guys, it's 2am, when did that happen?'

'Oh sorry, I should probably go- I have to be up early' Ethan responded, remembering it was Thursday and he had studying with Mark tomorrow morning.

Mark smiled at him, getting up and offering his hand to pull Ethan up too, 'Yeah, c'mon. I'll see you out'.

He said bye to the others, descending the stairs into the common room with Mark right behind him.

He halted, spinning so his back was towards the door, Mark stepping just close enough to get his heart rate to increase. He buried his hands in his pockets nervously, reluctant to leave, when he felt Mark's gift brush his hand.

'I have a birthday present for you.' He burst out, not really thinking straight.

Mark studied him with confusion, 'But- the broom? I thought-'

'Yeah, but I was in Hogsmeade and I saw something and it reminded me of you so I bought it'. He fished it out, hands shaking slightly as he handed it to Mark. 'Here'.

The deep red glistened in the luminescence of the fireplace beside them, peeking out through the soft leather as Mark's fingers traced the shape. 'Ethan, it's beautiful'

Ethan's breath caught from the lowness of Mark's voice, tenderness seeping through.

'Can you?' He lifted his arm, motioning for Ethan to help him put it on.

Taking a step closer Ethan gathered the two ends, steadying his hands in order to tie the knot.

'It's perfect' Mark mumbled, under his breath, Ethan's eyes looking up to meet his as he did. 

He could see the movement from the fireplace reflected in Mark's eyes, illuminating them, sweet treacle flickering with a life of its own, although shrinking as Mark's pupils dilated in the dim light. _Fuck he was pretty._ They fluttered down to watch as Ethan bit his lip nervously, only causing him to flush under his gaze.

His arms dropped, the knot finished. 'I should probably- uh' He took a step back, not trusting himself not to just reach forward, close the distance between them.

'Yeah, I'll um- see you tomorrow'. Mark stepped around him, opening the door, 'Bye Eth.'

Ethan mustered the courage to meet his eyes again, fumbling over the response in his brain, 'Y-yeah, bye'. He ducked out, feeling Mark's eyes on him as he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this chapter was a bit shorter bc it's only the first half of the chapter in my original plan, but it was way too long so I split it in half so yeah, that's why it's short. Also for any non-english readers, they are in year 12, therefore Mark is turning 17 in this (just if you were wondering). Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	7. Chapter 7

The school had seemed a little darker since it happened. Quieter- the kind of quiet you get at a hospital, late at night, only accompanied by the faint cries you could hear through the thin sterile walls and the slow, unsteady beep of a monitor you know you don't have to worry about for much longer. Nervous whispers followed you through the corridors like a shadow, students huddled in groups, sending you feverish glances if you got too close, everyone preoccupied with the idea that something was going to happen, soon. Maybe it was the uneasy hush that would occasionally fall upon a class, everyone else thinking the same thing you are. Students wondering whether or not to call their parents, more of them than ever awaiting the Christmas break where they could escape to the safety of their homes. There was just an unavoidable sense of unease wherever you went- even with friends you could see the underlying tension written on anyone's face, a sense of uncertainty in how to act, a preemptive sense of dread for what people hoped would not be some final act: the goal of whoever had smeared that blood on the wall.

That sight was one Ethan didn't think he was going to forget. Even though he had only caught a glimpse, a couple of seconds maybe, the detail stained into his brain was close to that of something he had studied for hours. The nauseating sight of blood awaking memories, emerging like bubbles surfacing the sea- a sign of life from something assumed dormant yet solely the evidence of the real horrors that lurked below. The words written, although somewhat less distinct due to the dripping of the thin and sickly liquid, had a sinister quality about them, in a way that instincts couldn't ignore- you know that this wasn't just some joke or prank. No one stepped too close, as if it's proximity could kill, yet you could feel the itch to step closer, check it was real and not just some hallucination.

Just moments after he had seen it he was being pushed backwards, thrust by the tide of the crowd as they were all ordered to depart the scene, unassured by the worried glances between teachers.

The silence as they were ushered back to their rooms was only broken as they stepped into their dorm.

'Guys what _the fuck_ was that?' Tyler spoke lowly, but with urgency.

'The chamber of secrets has been opened? _Enemies of the heir beware?_ The hell is that supposed to mean?' It was Noah this time, pacing between two beds.

'This happened to my dad, I think. I remember him telling me about it. Oh, this isn't good, this _so_ isn't good. I think someone _died_ last time.' Ben's voice shook slightly, dripping with panic.

'Yeah, someone died, the school had to close.' They all looked over at Charlie, who was rummaging through his stuff. 'I read about it somewhere, for history of magic or something. I think I still have the book.'

'Wait, you mean this has happened before?'

'Yes' Charlie affirmed, voice muffled by the bed as he began to tug something from out, '50 years ago. Exactly. This is the book- _Hogwarts, a History_ ' None of them took their eyes off him as he dragged out a weighty textbook, searching through the contents before flipping through to a page, his finger tracing the words as he read.

'Here. The chamber of secrets is rumoured to have been built by the founding wizard Salazar Slytherin after disagreements between him and the other founders, sealing it before fleeing the school. Legend says that upon arrival of Slytherin's own heir, the Chamber would open- unleash the horror within, and use it to purge the school of all who were unworthy to study magic.'

'So that's what it meant by enemies of the heir' Noah butted in, 'But who does that even refer to, people "unworthy to study magic"?'

'Muggle-borns' It was Tyler this time, a solemn look on his face, 'That's what the disagreements between founders was about. Slytherin thought only pure bloods should be allowed at the school.'

'You mean to say it's going to target everyone who's not pure blood? That's like, half the people at this school.' Noah ran his hand through his hair, frantic as he spoke.

'At least that, yeah.' Ben mumbled.

'What happened last time?' Ethan finally spoke up from where he was sitting.

'It just said there were attacks- it's very vague about it' Charlie skimmed the rest of the page, 'Up until someone died, where they closed the school. That's it.'

They sat in silence for a minute, processing. It was crazy to think that maybe a quarter of an hour ago everything had been so normal.

Noah spoke up after a while, and Ethan didn't think he'd ever heard him so somber, so muted, 'Do you think they'll close the school?'

Tyler's response was soft, but unsure, 'I don't know.'

-

_It was different this time. Ethan had only been here when awake. This time his eyes were wide open, completely aware._

_The click of his shoes on the tile floor resonated through the hallway, his strides long and confident, a steady metronome to contrast the sounds of chaos around him. Chaos he had created, all for him to enjoy._ _He ignored the faint crashes, the annoying blare of an alarm, his head twitching slightly as he focused on the muffled sobs he could hear not too far away, ears guiding his feet like scent does a bloodhound._

_His reward- a girl, cowering in the corner of the room as he entered. He felt his skin crawl with disgust, as if tiny spiders had dug their way under his skin, working their way up his body. Pathetic. Couldn't even look at him- what a cowardly way to die. She shrieked, scurrying under a table, a rat in his little science experiment experiment, and the flash of light from his wand missed her._

_He would normally be at her side instantly, blundering, checking for injuries. But that person was no longer inside of him. Instead, he felt nothing except annoyance at the delay. He swallowed down the irritation bubbling in his throat, anticipation burning like acid inside him. It was addicting, each one more satisfying than the last, yet leaving him itching for more and more every time, a growing pit in his chest he needed more and more to fill._

_Her scream was cut off with a deliberate flick of his wrist, as if he were swatting away a persistent fly that had been buzzing in his ear, feeling a twinge of relief as that horrendous noise ceased._

_He felt the air catch on his teeth as he smirked, basking in the satisfaction, not long before he was filled with hunger again, his hands itching to end another life._

_He could almost smell the fear in the next classroom, hear the messy breathing he was happy to clean up. Behind an overturned desk he could see a murky shadow being cast by the body of one person? Two? He didn't particularly care._

_He waited, silently, for them to let their guard down, assume he was gone. His fingers twitched at his side, clenching his wand like a life-line, muscles prickling, ready to execute the spell he knew so well by now, impatient to watch a_ _l_ _ife crumble away like polystyrene. He had to hold back a laugh at the thought._

_Finally, a pair of oh-so-familiar hazel eyes peered out from behind the desk, and his brain froze._

_Her laughter wafted through his head, giggling as he chased her around their yard, her pink dress flowing behind her, hair flashing gold like a ribbon in the wind, bare toes curling in the fresh grass with child-like glee. He could hear her soft voice as they bickered over dinner, making a point between the mouthfuls of peas she was shoveling into her mouth, before their parents scolded her for talking with her mouth full. She sent him a pout, green-blue eyes filled with mischief, youthful cheeks bulging with food. The first time he saw her, hands gripping the bar at the top of her cot, peeking down at her, laughter bubbling in his throat as he watched her cackle and squeal at him, amazed at how much her eyes were filled with life._

_Of course, all things are temporary, part of him thought as he watched that very same life dissolve out of her eyes, the dark room flashing with lurid green as she fell backwards, limp. The part of him that felt like an intruder, controlling his actions as he looked down at the hands that were very much not his._

_Observing her dead body, he watched himself crawl out from behind the desk, throwing his arms over her corpse, sobbing. Too late for that now, he thought, feeling gratification at the pain he could see on his own face. He could just put him out of his misery but what would be the fun it that?_

_His brain quickly spiraled, descending at the thought. Why didn't he just kill him, end his pathetic little life, stop him from having to deal with things he was very much not able to deal with? God it would be so easy, just a flick of the wrist. Why couldn't he kill him, please, just fucking do it his mind begged him, didn't want to be alive, he couldn't-_

Ethan startled awake, his chest quivering as he tried to catch his breath. He sat up, quietening his breath as much as he could as he looked out into the dim room, checking that no one else was awake. Sighing shakily, he buried his head in his hands, tangling his trembling fingers in his hair. What _the fuck_ was that _._ That had never happened before- he'd never had a dream where he was someone else, seeing, feeling, hearing _someone else's_ thoughts. It had felt so real, more of a memory than a conjuring of the mind, so much so that he could still taste the tang of sweat on his tongue, the image of her haunted eyes still vivid in his head. _Fuck_. 

He couldn't do this- couldn't sit here and let himself think, needed something to preoccupy his mind. Standing unsteadily, he toed on his shoes and left, muting the close of the door with his hand. It shuddered slightly against the polished wood.

Fingers fumbling for his wand in his pocket, he cast a cloaking spell under his breath.

The sting of icy air bit at his skin the moment he stepped outside the castle, shivering as he let it sober his thoughts. Grass crunched underfoot, painted white in the frost of the winter air, not quite snow, but close enough to melt as he touched it, sinking down to sit, not really caring as it soaked into his clothes. His teeth were chattering now, a quiet drone in the soundscape of the night, softly drowned out by the hush of the trees, whispers of the wind. The ambient light of the moon beamed down, casting shadows on his face as he tilted his head back, glimmering through the movement of the clouds- the light may have been cool; glowing blue-sapphire in the hues of the evening, but the feeling it brought was warm- a familiarity, perpetual and non-chaotic motion.

He let his eyes flutter closed, breathing slowing until no more than a ghost left his parted lips. A gust of wind reminded him of the drying tear tracks that adorned his face, evidence of a dream whose life was slowly ebbing away, reality fading in more and more with each breath he took- thoughts from only minutes ago dying, unable to live in his conscious brain for long. Not, however, taking the feeling with them- the choking agony that burned within. In fact, the feeling was so strong he was sure he couldn't feel it properly- a ball of fire he couldn't even touch. Just the heat from the distance was enough to split his head open, spill out the fiery embers that scorched his skin, singe the blackened tips of his fingers.

He didn't want to think about that right now, didn't know how to deal with the feeling so he pushed it down, burying under the clutter than filled his brain. Knowing it would be unearthed at some other time, on some other night, but not being able to bring himself to care. Knowing that he was spinning plates, waiting for everything to break, fall and shatter on the unforgiving ground, but not knowing what else to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, bit of a gloomier chapter but it was still fun to write! Sorry if the dream sequence was a bit confusing, it was going to be in a later chapter anyway but I changed around my plan :) Next chapter might take a bit more time because it's quite a long chapter (unless I decide to split it again), anyway hope you enjoyed, and I really appreciate all your support and feedback <3


	8. Chapter 8

Ethan had been right- the first snow had fallen, and Hogsmeade looked beautiful capped in white. The fires inside glowed brighter than ever, casting warm shadows through the windows and onto the street, snow reflecting hues of red and yellow in the parts where the light touched, a brush loaded with paint dipping into a blank canvas. It lay on the rooftops, untouched, contrasting the dark wood and stone beneath, almost as if the town had been dipped in white chocolate- a sweet contradiction to the bitter sharp air that twisted and tugged the snow in spirals with each gust of wind.

He tipped his head back, watching the way the snowflakes faded in from nothing, appearing into reality only to drift down and brush his nose, melting from the warmth of his skin. A small sigh of contentment left his mouth, an ivory ghost against the aged-grey sky, rose, danced, opposing the snowfall as its tendrils explored the frigid air.

'You like the snow, huh?' He flushed when he noticed Mark watching him, eyes scrunched into a soft smile. The wind tugged at his hair, mixing in the flecks of white as they landed, the warmth of his eyes stark against the flakes that dusted his face prettily. _God_ he was so bittersweet- a pretty trinket on the highest shelf, an ice-sculpture lost to the spring- couldn't have, couldn't keep. He shivered slightly- from the cold or Mark's gaze he didn't know- pulling his coat tighter around himself.

The bobbles on his hat bounced against his neck as he turned, waiting for the others to catch up. They had all raced here after breakfast, eager to enjoy the Saturday before the train back to London came this evening- not that everyone would be on it of course. Ethan remembered asking Mark the question, after explaining that it would be unrealistic for him to go all the way back to France just for a couple of weeks (plus, the snow where he lived wasn't nearly as good at it was here). Mark had answered something vague about not being close with his parents, although even then it was unusual not to go home unless your parents were working abroad or something but Ethan didn't push it, guessing Mark probably didn't want to deep-dive into his family relationships right in the middle of their herbology lesson. Either way, Mark wasn't going home after Christmas and from Ethan's perspective that was a good thing, especially since Mark seemed to enjoy the snow almost as much as he did.

He smiled back at him, 'Yeah, winter is the best season by far'. He squinting slightly in the bright light that filled the open space around him, bouncing of the snow and onto his face, given off by the ground like steam from hot coals, and it just added to the magic that had infused every second since he had woken up, feeling like he was living in a Christmas card.

'It really is' Mark spoke softly, eyes scanning his face, stepping forward to brush a stray flake that had landed on Ethan's cheek. His breath caught, immediately feeling the warmth radiated by Mark's hand, heart racing furiously at their proximity, face tingling in the places their skin was in contact. Mark's sleeve fell enough to reveal his bracelet- Ethan hadn't seen him without since he'd given it to him- just that alone enough to make Ethan melt, added to the fact that Mark still hadn't lowered his hand, fingers hesitant in the air just a couple inches from his face.

A sharp thud to the side of his head had him breaking out of his thoughts, taking a few seconds to register the residue snow slowly melting into his hair. 

'Gotcha!' Sean yelled, holding his snow coated gloves up for Ethan to see.

'Oh, you asked for it.' Ethan shouted back, leaning down to gather his own snow- Sean and the others seeing this and quickly scattering to the shelter of the trees. He huffed in annoyance as he lost sight of him, standing to his feet with a now useless snowball in his hand. Well, not _completely_ useless- he flung it at straight at Mark, hitting him square in the chest.

'Hey!' He whined, stumbling back a little, holding his hands up in disbelief. Ethan felt a bit bad, but the stunned look on Mark's face was well worth it. He giggled, taking off in the direction of the forest. In a whoosh, a snowball just missed his ear and he glanced over his shoulder, grinning mockingly at Mark as he cursed.

He slowed when he reached the trees, stopping to prepare a snowball before skulking through. He spotted movement, and saw Louis darting through the branches, the snow muffling the sound of his footsteps. He threw, instinctively, only to see a second snowball hit Louis almost at the same time. Following the trajectory he saw a tuft of black hair, Finn grinning at him as he ducked away. He didn't remember the last time he'd been able to just goof around in the snow.

He ventured further, managing to hit Louis- who wasn't very good at keeping quiet, by the looks of it- quite a few times, but never spotting any of the others. That was, until now, when he whipped around at the sound of footsteps.

He froze- there Mark stood, snowball in hand, a deer caught in the headlights.

'Truce?' He questioned, not making a move to pummel Ethan with the snowball he probably deserved.

Ethan nodded, relieved, 'I need to get Sean back though.'

'I think he teamed up with Finn, I saw them-'

He was interrupted by a snowball hurtling past them, both of them sharing a panicked look before running in the opposite direction as fast as their feet could take them. Ethan almost tripped over the rocks and tree stumps as he followed Mark through the forest, white coated twigs and leaves crunching underfoot.

Suddenly he was being pulled down, landing half on Mark as they ducked behind a large pile of snow.

'I don't think they saw that' Mark panted, still catching his breath and not letting go of the arm he used to pull Ethan down.

Ethan grabbed onto Mark's arm with his spare hand, using it to steady himself as he turned and peered over the rock they had their backs to, hands clenching nervously in the material of Mark's coat as he surveyed the terrain. 

'Anyone there?'

'Don't think so.' He glanced down at Mark and was immediately distracted from his task. His cheeks and nose were tinged pink, frost-bitten from the cold, lips red and slightly parted, his breathing still heavy from the exertion before, eyes looking into Ethan's in a way that made his stomach flip. His hair was tousled, parts falling on the sides of his face, dotted with snow in a way that looked magical- eyes lit up by the sun reflected on the snow around them. His gaze flickered down to Ethan's mouth, so quick that if Ethan wasn't looking for it he may not have noticed it, and it had his cheeks burning red, flustered but not breaking eye-contact. _God, what he would give to kiss him right now._

Before he could think a snowball collided with his face, sending him tumbling back into the snow.

'Oi!' Mark yelled, gathering some snow of his own and hurling it back. Ethan scrambled back onto his knees to join him, spotting a grinning Sean and Finn behind one of the trees out of the clearing. _Time to get his revenge_.

The fight went on for a while, all of them ending up covered in snow, but having too much fun to care. Eventually they decided to go to the Three Broomsticks, brushing themselves down before entering after receiving a glare from the owner. Louis fetched them a round of butterbeers and there they sat, drying hair and frozen hands, slowly thawing in the fire-brought heat of the pub.

'I'm gonna miss you guys' Sean spoke first, eyes twinkling in the soft light, smiling out at them. His drink clunked softly against the heavy wood as he sat it down, the surface smooth and faded through years of use.

'Aw, c'mon man, don't get soppy on us, it's two weeks!' Louis mocked.

'And then spring term! That's like, the best term by far.' Finn chirped in.

Ethan cupped the sides of his mug, which had cooled just enough not to burn his skin. 'What's so great about spring term?'

'Well, first of all it's Quidditch season- so you've got all the important matches, second there's no exams, _and_ this year we have the winter ball.' Finn explained.

'There's a winter ball?'

'They do one every two years, for sixth and seventh years, you basically just dress up fancy and dance.' Mark spoke from next to him, voice gruff from the cold, sounding reluctant at the choice of topic.

Fin spoke dreamily, 'It's magical though, especially if it snows. They do up the main hall with these beautiful winter-y decorations, and the food is incredible- like the best meal I've ever had.' He paused for a second, recalling, 'I only know because I helped out with the music one year, but I've wanted to go ever since.'

Ethan sipped his butterbeer thoughtfully, savoring the warmth it brought him. Even if it _was_ as magical as the others said, he probably wouldn't go. Dances weren't his kind of thing, plus there was only one person he'd actually be interested in going with, and he definitely _wasn't_ interested in spending the evening watching Mark dance around with somebody else. _God, what if he had already asked someone? He's not interested in anyone, is he? Surely Ethan would know about it, and he'd never heard the others mention it._

'Anyone know who they're asking?' Sean interrupted his thought process, probing.

Louis blushed slightly, 'I think I'm going to ask Mia.'

Finn's eyebrows shot up into his hairline, 'Really?'

'Who's Mia?' Ethan asked.

'This girl in our house, Louis has had a crush on her for _years._ ' Finn mocked him, nudging his side with his elbow.

'Oh, shut up.' Ethan didn't think he'd ever seen Louis flustered, but it was cute, and brought a smile to his face.

'What about you Mark, is there anyone you want to ask? You've been _awfully_ quiet.' Sean's eyes flickered with mischief, and Ethan caught Mark sending a warning glare. _What's up with that?_ Fuck, what if Mark _was_ going to ask someone? It wasn't like he wasn't allowed to, Mark had his own life, he could do what he wants _._ Ethan felt his heart tug, a spike of jealousy running through him. _He's literally just your friend, you have no right to be jealous._

Mark just hummed in response, changing the subject quickly.

The snow only increased in ferocity as they continued to talk, furiously coating any surface that wan't previously smothered in stark white. Ethan felt himself smile softly, long zoned out from the conversation at hand, but with a good feeling in his gut, his mind tranquil, for once. He felt like this would be a good winter, at least one of the better ones. He looked over at Mark next to him, talking animatedly about something, eyes bright and full of life. _Yeah, it was._

_-_

Ethan went with his friends as they left the castle, approaching the same carriages that had taken them from the train back in September, a night that seemed so long ago. Noah immediately threw himself onto Ethan in a hug as they stopped.

'I promise I won't forget you, I'll send you postcards every day and-'

'Noah!' Kathryn approached them, dumping her bag on the ground, 'Get a grip! It's two fucking weeks man.'

Ethan just laughed, hugging him back, 'I'll miss you too', Noah pulled back, flashing his signature grin.

'You'll miss me more though, right?' Kathryn mocked, pulling Ethan into a hug.

'Oh yeah, definitely.' He replied, trying to be serious but not being able to help the chuckle that escaped his mouth.

'Hey! I heard that!' Noah said, turning around from where he was loading the bags into the carriage.

Finally Ethan turned to Tyler for a final hug, holding him tight. He hadn't been able to spend much time with him recently, the only class they shared being Care of Magical Creatures, and although those lessons were fun, he couldn't help but miss him like crazy; making a mental note to send him an owl over the break. When he stepped back Tyler's hands remained, reassuring on his shoulders, 'Stay safe, ok?'

Ethan smiled, touched at the concern. Nothing yet had happened since the wall incident, but it didn't mean nothing would. 'Yeah, I will.'

Tyler returned his smile, hand ruffling Ethan's hair fondly, causing him to giggle. He stepped away, lugging his bag onto his shoulder.

Ethan let his eyes wander, drifting over to where Mark was helping Finn with his luggage a few carriages away. He lugged it up, Finn grabbing the other end and finishing the job. One of the thestrals beside Mark huffed, brushing his arm with its nose and catching his attention. He reached up a hand, petting the front of its head so gently- the way Ethan had seen him pet Lily- and he wondered why Mark _hadn't_ taken Care of Magical Creatures, considering he was so close with animals.

Kathryn's voice snapped him out of his thoughts, 'Hello... Earth to Ethan?' She was leaning over the edge of the carriage, giving him a knowing look, 'Have fun over Christmas, won't you?'

He blushed, waving them all goodbye and ignoring the mischief in Kathryn's smirk.

Once they had gone, Louis shouted his name, beckoning him over. He took his time to say goodbye to them too, cracking jokes like they'd known each other their whole lives, and despite that not being the case, Ethan was certainly going to miss them, even if they weren't gone for that long.

Mark turned to him as the carriage trailed off. 'Guess you're stuck with me for the next two weeks.'

'Oh god' Ethan replied, voice dripping with sarcasm, 'What are we gonna do?'

Mark chuckled, 'Maybe I should learn French.'

Ethan laughed at that, trying to imagine Mark being able to pronounce any of the words, 'Maybe I should learn quidditch.'

Mark grinned, looping his arm over his shoulders playfully as they walked back to the castle, Ethan noticing that for once he felt completely and utterly content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry if this chapter wasn't as good, I wasn't in 'the zone' as much in the past few days, but hopefully you still liked it! I have a good couple of chapters coming up, so I'm excited for them. Anyway, thank you for reading, all your support and comments are greatly appreciated <3


	9. Chapter 9

Although they had been joking about it before, they soon found themselves, night after night, sitting on Mark's bed with Lily curled between them, Ethan attempting to teach Mark some French. _Attempting_ was they key word. Actually no, that was a bit harsh, Ethan thought. Despite struggling a bit with the grammar, Mark had an impressive memory, was a fast learner and always seemed to get the words right, even if they sounded completely wrong coming out of his mouth. There wasn't really a purpose to it- current magic being more than capable of translating any language- it was just them goofing around, a not-so-subtle excuse to spend every night together, at least from Ethan's perspective.

'J'ai allé au college en Angleterre.' Mark spoke slowly, announcing each syllable, albeit not with 100% accuracy.

Ethan giggled, taking a piece of popcorn from the bowl between his legs, 'Je _suis_ allé, the rest was good though.'

'Ok, now teach me how to say I have a huuge...' He paused, '...cat. Yeah, cat.' They both burst into laughter, the hilarity of the joke somewhat accentuated by their combined lack of sleep- with it being the holidays, the teachers remaining at the school never checked or seemed to care about curfew, Ethan opting to reside in a spare bed in Mark's dorm, allowing them both the opportunity to stay up far too late talking, playing games, and really anything _besides_ sleeping.

Ethan could definitely get used to this- the constant ache of residue laughter in his stomach, cheeks burning from smiling so damn hard, and Mark maybe being able to hold a conversation in French by the end of the year was only an added benefit. 

'Maybe when I meet your parents I can talk to them in French.' Mark said thoughtfully, hand softly petting Lily who was purring next to him- she also didn't seem to mind the new arrangement, Ethan often waking up to her sleeping peacefully next to him.

'You want to meet my parents?' Ethan choked a little on his popcorn, surprised.

'I mean yeah, if you want me to. We could meet up over the Summer or something. Or not, I don't mind.' He backtracked a little.

'No,' Ethan insisted, 'That sounds good.' They shared a smile, Ethan's heart thudding in his chest- _how did he get so lucky?_ Even though Ethan knew they were never going to be, y'know, _something_ , just this was enough for him- the fact that Mark was probably the sweetest person he'd ever met and somehow wanted to be his friend- definitely enough.

'They might get a bit offended at your _horrendous_ accent though, just a warning.' Ethan grinned cheekily.

'Hey!' Mark exclaimed, playfully hitting Ethan's arm, 'It's not _that_ bad'. He pouted, giving Ethan those eyes he couldn't help but smile at.

Ethan had learnt a lot about Mark over the past week- kind of unavoidable when they were spending every day with each other- learning and loving all of his little idiosyncrasies: the way he checked his shoes for spiders every morning (Ethan knew he had to be afraid of something, and it was so cute watching him getting embarrassed over it), how he poured his milk before his tea; claiming he could "taste the difference", or the way he ate m&m's in rainbow order (always the red ones first). Even the more subtle things- the way Mark's eye's crinkled when he smiled, or the way his hair would fall in his face when he tilted his head- all these little things building Mark up, brick by brick, and Ethan wasn't sure whether his heart could get any fuller.

He looked over at him, noting the darkness of his eyes in the dim light, yet the tenderness still shone through- the gentleness in everything he did causing Ethan to do nothing else but trust this man with his life- as he would die before thinking Mark would ever do anything to harm it. When Mark looked up at him his breath froze in his throat, unwillingly, nothing but _fondness_ shining through his expression in a way that made Ethan feel so safe and _loved_ and unable to look away. Though Mark didn't look away either, his gaze lingering a second, both of them stuck in a moment Ethan sure as hell didn't want to forget. They had been doing that a lot recently.

Of course, with every day he spent with Mark, a less pleasant feeling had begun to grow in strength- one he was trying his hardest to overlook even though he knew it probably wasn't very smart to- the part of him that knew every good thing must end reminding him that Mark didn't belong to him; that one day Mark would find someone that made him feel they way he made Ethan feel. And Ethan knew that day would be more and more painful for every little thing he learnt about Mark, every little thing that made him care more and more, and it was getting harder for him to ignore- the little tug in the back of his head getting increasingly annoying.

Either way, Ethan wouldn't give up their time together for the world- sitting there with Mark as he spurted out low quality French was enough to make him forget that anything else existed, too busy actually enjoying himself- without feeling guilty, for once- and he only wished it would last forever. 

Ethan on the other hand, never really followed through on his joking pledge to learn Quidditch, but he did find himself helping Mark practice- going out with him onto the pitch and borrowing one of the spare broomsticks.

Ethan probably hadn't flown since year 7, thinking about it now, as he never really got the hang of it/got over his _slight_ fear of heights, but Mark quickly caught on, giving him some pointers before he could take off. Not that they were much help, of course, because Mark was standing behind him, one hand helping to steady his broom so that their fingers were brushing, his voice syrupy and low and so _devastatingly_ close to his ear- and yeah, Ethan wasn't proud to admit but that wasn't exactly the least distracting thing in the world, to say the least. He wobbled slightly- _Jesus Christ, he wasn't even off the ground yet-_ and Mark's hand went to the small of his back, steadying him, and Ethan felt his whole body heat up, most notably his cheeks which felt like they were on fire right about now, cursing himself for not being able to act like a normal fucking person for more than two seconds.

Regardless, he had more space to think straight once Mark had stepped away, giving him a reassuring smile as he mounted his own broom because _yeah; they were actually meant to be doing something before Ethan got totally distracted, and fuck; he actually had to fly a broom now._ Ethan couldn't help his lack of balance at feeling his feet leave the ground, hands fumbling for a grip on the broomstick and Mark giving him a concerned look- watching closely to make sure he didn't hurt himself- but he regained a little confidence quickly, managing to steady himself enough to fly over to the centre of the pitch, even if it wasn't the most consistent path to get there.

'Wow, you really haven't flown in a while, huh?' Mark asked, chuckling softly.

'Yeah, I really think it's my calling though, you might want to look out- I think I could be the next team captain.' He raised his eyebrows at Mark in suggestion.

'Oh yeah definitely, compared to you I can barely fly a broom.' He somehow managed to keep his expression completely serious, although breaking into a fond smile at the end. 'You ready?' he asked holding the quaffle under one arm, running his hand through his hair with the other.

Ethan nodded, bracing himself to catch, completely ready and expecting to make a fool of himself in the not-so-distant future.

They tossed the quaffle between them, Ethan helping mark with some of his practice exercises, slowly gaining confidence until he could get around fairly easily- kind of like ice skating when you can finally take your hands of the stabilising side wall, or taking the training wheels of a bike.

Ethan must have gotten a little too cocky though, because as he reached out to catch the quaffle Mark had thrown him, he lost his balance, hands unable to grasp onto his broomstick as he felt himself beginning to plummet to the ground, stomach leaping into his throat, eyes squeezing shut instinctively, weightless as he tumbled down. He must have only been a few metres up but _man_ did it hurt like a bitch when he landed- vaguely hearing Mark shout his name but not being able to bring himself to respond. Instead, he just groaned in pain, eyes fluttering open and quickly adjusting to the light. Suddenly, as quick as he had fallen, he felt strong arms wrap around him.

' _Shit_ Eth- are you hurt? Tell me where it hurts, fuck'. Mark swore under his breath, hands fumbling to check his arms, legs, etc.

Ethan racked his brain, or more like his body, trying to figure out if he _was_ hurt anywhere, 'Uhh no I don't think so, I think I'm just bruised' he chuckled weakly, heart still pounding from adrenaline.

'Are you sure?' Mark's eyes still searched his body, checking for injuries.

'Yeah, I'm fine, I think. It wasn't that far anyway.'

'God Ethan, I'm so sorry- I shouldn't have made you go up, fuck I was so worried about this happening I should have been more careful, I'm so-'

'Mark, it's ok, I'm fine' he interrupted Mark's rant, taking one of his hands that was resting on his leg and squeezing it reassuringly, 'I promise, I'm good, barely even hurts now'. That was a lie- it certainly did hurt, not severely, but enough to make him wince as he shifted, sitting up slightly- but Mark's peace of mind was well worth lying for. 

Before he could think Mark was pulling him into a hug, holding him tighter than Ethan reckoned he ever had before, in a position Ethan couldn't help but think was probably uncomfortable for Mark, sort of leaned over from his kneeling position- but he quickly forgot anything else except the comfort of Mark's embrace, letting him sink into the warmth he provided.

Mark's hair tickled Ethan's ear, voice muffled by his shoulder as he spoke; 'I'm so sorry' he repeated.

'It's ok, it wasn't your fault'. He tightened his arms, reluctant to ever let go, his breathing slowing, and feeling Mark's do the same.

'You scared me' he whispered, pulling Ethan impossibly closer.

Ethan just chuckled softly, burying his face in the material of Mark's robe, feeling safe encompassed by Mark's familiar scent- fresh linen and coffee- a weird combination that somehow worked, suiting Mark so well. They stayed like that for a while, Ethan reveling in the human contact- not that he was touched-starved or anything- it was just something about Mark's touch that he could never get enough of. 

Eventually they pulled away, much to his disappointment, Ethan's eyes not missing the way Mark's cheeks tinged pink as he stood up, offering Ethan his hand to help him up too.

'Well, I think that's enough quidditch for today' he chuckled, grabbing his broom from where it way laying on the floor nearby.

Ethan hummed, 'Yeah, I think _land_ sports are more for me.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, a slightly shorter chapter, but this is another one I had to split in half because it was too long! (That's why the total chapters keep going up aha) Just to be clear I do not condone adding milk before tea, but everyone has flaws I guess :) Really hoped you enjoyed this chapter, comments and feedback always appreciated, it makes my day reading them <3


	10. Chapter 10

It must have been a few days after Christmas, and Ethan was up in the owlery. Mark hadn't been there when he awoke, so he decided it would be as good a time as any to deliver the letters he had stayed up late last night writing- after Noah had sent him a particularly heartwarming message he thought he should probably send some back. Mark hadn't minded much, wordlessly taking a seat on the couch next to him and getting lost in some book of his own, and there they had sat, in completely comfortable silence into the early hours of the morning, kept warm by the crackling fire and the heat they shared, softly leaning into each other. That moment- with the sweet scent of cinnamon and potpourri hanging lightly in the air, white-capped peaks of the castle just visible through the window, the faint snap of burning firewood- was the moment where Ethan truly felt like it was Christmas, that one moment managing to encompass all the joy the season could ever bring.

He held six letters in his hand- Noah, Tyler, Kathryn, Sean, Louis, and Finn- and with the other he softly stroked the feathers of the owl thoughtfully, admiring the way the soft brown melted into black, slippery beneath his touch. He let the wind that billowed through the open windows ruffle and tug his hair playfully- enticing him out into the sky as if he could fly and deliver the letters himself.

It was crazy to think that only four months ago he didn't know any of these people, and now he was sure he'd be friends with them for life- after everything that happened he'd never have thought he'd feel this close to anyone again, let alone a whole bunch of people. Had he just been extremely lucky in finding such great people or had he just not been looking carefully enough before? Ethan liked to think it was the latter- even though no one could convince him that his friends weren't the best people on earth, he wanted to believe that everyone had good inside them, and that everyone deserved the love he and his friends shared. It was only when that love was not received that people were tarnished- wilting and drooping like plants without water, without sustenance- all the good that he _knew_ was in them not allowed to show, blocked off and hidden under years of accumulated neglect and abuse, overgrown with fear and deadened flowers. He felt sad for them, if anything. Hate was only really the absence of love, Ethan thought, just like dark was the absence of light, and although he knew it was rather optimistic to think that hugs and sunshine could fix all the problems in the world, he had hope that he could try, and had vowed to himself to never give up on anyone who needed him. It was the least he could do.

He swiftly sent off the letters, trying not to get too lost in thought, and raced off to breakfast, glad to find Mark already there.

He was pouring his tea when Ethan arrived, grabbing a second mug when he spotted Ethan approaching. He took a seat opposite him, noting that Mark's greeting was rather subdued, which he found weird because Mark was normally a morning person.

'You alright?' he asked softly, thankfully taking the mug of hot tea Mark passed him.

The other boy hummed, 'Yeah, just tired,' He took a sip of his drink, Ethan trying not to stare too hard at the way the movement of the steam from the hot liquid reflected prettily in his sleepy eyes. He got the impression something else was off but didn't push it, sensing that Mark didn't want to get into it. Instead he just talked, filling in any gaps Mark accidentally left in their conversation with his own chatter, knowing that when Mark was tired he liked to let him blab on about whatever. He already missed the usual felicity that resided in his eyes, his expression, and took it as his personal mission to bring it back, discerning a flicker of it between pieces of conversation- causing his heart to lift with pride.

After breakfast he suggested they explore the castle- remembering that Mark enjoyed that kind of thing just as much as he did, and it wasn't long before they came across something curious, Hogwarts never failing to surprise even the most observant of tenants.

He noticed the way Mark's eyebrows furrowed as they turned into a particular corridor. 'Huh, that's funny, I never noticed there being a door there.' He remarked, both of them making towards it.

It was grand- not the kind of thing you'd expect not to notice, with intricately carved wood sinking back from an arched frame, darkening as they approached- as if fading into their existence.

'I mean, I didn't know about this whole wing, so...' Ethan chuckled, pushing the door and feeling it give way beneath his hand. It moved silently, a whisper in the already soundless air, revealing an expanse of a room, light streaming downwards from the high windows, casting patterns of shadow below, a soft but peaceful hum in the air as dust particles danced, catching the light as they slowly drifted downwards. But none of that caught his attention much like the grand piano situated in the center of the room.

He let out a sigh of awe, unhesitatingly stepping into the tranquility of the room, 'I never knew Hogwarts had a piano room.'

'Me neither', he heard Mark say softly from behind him, following. Their voices echoed in the emptiness of the space.

Ethan reached his hand out, running the backs of his fingers against the deep, polished mahogany casing, admiring the way it faded into bright white at the tips of the curves and the edges, the glossy finish combining with the light to trace its shape.

'Do you play?' Mark was watching him and he blushed, removing his hand but not taking his eyes off it, studying the pristine strings that spanned beneath the lid, remembering the mellow sound the strings of his own used to make.

'Yeah, well I mean, I used to, I haven't since-', he paused correcting himself too fast for Mark to notice, 'I haven't in a while.'

'Play something' he glanced up finally, meeting Mark's eyes, a curiosity conveyed in the comfortable silence that fell between them.

Ethan moved over and sat, hands reaching out instinctively and resting in the way that was so familiar to him, quickly finding the pedals beneath his feet. He thought for only a second before the first key was pressed, a subtle introduction into one of his old exam pieces, letting the muscle memory kick in as his fingers began to move. He could see Mark observing, first his fingers and then the piano, watching the way the hammers rose and fell, no doubt, all of them shifting as he pressed and released the pedal. It was mesmerising to watch, Ethan knew from experience, seeing how the music- the flow of a melody, faint tickles of harmonies above and below- translated into something so mechanical, so intricate. 

He played faultlessly, his whole body a machine controlled by his subconscious, every lift and fall of his fingers perfect- every rhythm exact, practiced. The piece was beautiful, sure, every note and phrase balanced with absolute precision, written to be none other than perfect, but there was something missing- no real disposition- almost clinical- a drone compared to the chaos of anything _real_.

He felt the pliant leather of the stool sink as Mark took a seat beside him, observing the way his fingers licked over the keys wordlessly for a while, fiddling with the ends of his bracelet until the piece drew to a close, when he spoke up.

'You play beautifully' Mark's voice was softer, sweeter than any melody Ethan could ever play him, who blushed at his praise, 'Have you ever written anything?'

He nodded, thinking back to all the nights he had spent in his room, softly translating the sounds in his brain onto paper. With a mind of their own, his fingers fluttered, playing the trill that lead into the opening of a composition he knew particularly well, probably the one he had played the most.

'This was my sister's favourite' He muttered unthinkingly, voice so quiet he wasn't sure if it had even come out.

Mark just hummed, closing his eyes as the piece began to unfold, melodies trickling in like tributaries to a river, building and repeating, twisting into new ideas until you had a soundscape, notes dipping in and out in a way that left you unable to discern one stream from the next. Ethan closed his eyes too, letting his fingers map out the keys, running through a familiar landscape better known that his own home- more of a home than his own home.

Thinking about it now, he had never played to anyone but his sister before, his parents never really having time to sit and listen to him play- but she always had time for him, sitting there for hours just letting the music flow out of him and into her, sometimes reading, or doing her homework. Occasionally she'd get up and dance around- on the more lively of pieces- smiling and giggling as her golden hair twirled around her like a halo, her white dress spreading with her movements like wings, the sun illuminating her skin. He would only laugh along, playing more for her than himself, feeling his whole self lift and light up with pride at the ecstasy radiating from her, like how the Earth relies on the glowing sun.

He felt Mark shift, resting his head on his shoulder, light enough so as not to disrupt his playing, the warmth from the side of his body comforting, a blanket in the storm of his thoughts. One arm curled around his back, Mark's hand resting ever so gently on the base of his hip, grounding him, stopping his mind from hoisting him up and into the winds.

He remembered when he first wrote this one, _write this one about me_ she'd joked, voice cheeky and upbeat, but he'd taken her up on it, notes following her movements on the days she'd dance around, yet not being able to encompass the way his heart burst with love every time he looked at her. It still did- nothing had changed- the same overwhelming love flowing over him, only now her could only see her on the backs of his eyelids, dead to the rest of the world but to come alive in his sleep.

He had been thinking about her more recently, trying his hardest not to push her out- ever since the last dream he was scared to let things build up again, drown in the waves he'd been blindly pushing back. Before he had never even let the memories in, only getting to see her in the times his brain couldn't resist, her dying over and over again, him waking, feeling too much over and over again, and back then, to him at least, she really had been gone, no traces of her life permitted in his brain. It had taken him a while, but he had learnt that it didn't have to be that way; she wasn't gone, only no longer here- halted in her final state of being, the last time he had seen her- and that didn't erase the years of happiness she had brought him before, years of happiness he still wasn't sure he deserved.

He was still working on that- trying to reason with the fact that out of anyone, she was the one most deserving of life, that if he could go back and relive everything over again, without hesitation he would have taken it for her- allowed one small sacrifice to let her bring more joy than anyone else could into the world, get the long, happy life she deserved. Now that job fell to him- and it was overwhelming how out of his depth he was, he could never be as virtuous and significant in other people's lives and as unquestionably _good_ as she was, and sometimes he would cry himself to sleep thinking about all the people who would have loved her never getting the chance to, their lives ever so slightly darker now that she would never be in them.

It was healthy crying though- much better than the sleepless nights of guilt and fear he had encountered before, finally starting to come to terms with everything, although he knew it would be a very long time, if not forever until he would get used to it- every day he only missed her more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there was a little less going on in this chapter, but I hope you still enjoyed :) Thank you all for reading! <3


	11. Chapter 11

The holidays had seemed to go on forever, in the best sort of way, and although Ethan felt like he never wanted them to end, he was glad when he could see all his friends again. He'd been spending more time with them than ever- joining the dueling club with Tyler and Noah (although Tyler was too much of a softie to hurt him, bless) had really improved his performance in Defense Against the Dark arts as he always found himself more of a hands-on kind of learner- and he quickly gained the favour of his teacher, Professor Langdon. Plus, his ongoing study sessions with Mark had really helped him with charms, so needless to say he wasn't too worried about his grades, and therefore had more time to spend goofing around with his friends. The serious stuff could come next year.

Term had picked back up quickly, and before anyone knew it the first match of the yearly quidditch tournament was soon due to take place. Ethan found himself, yet again, sitting in Mark's dorm, Lily curled up beside him and snacks laden out before all of them, talking all through the night. _Yeah, he had definitely missed this._

'Do you think anyone will be mad if I cheer for Gryffindor?' Ethan said thoughtfully, chewing on one of the sweets. The match was tomorrow, and although Hufflepuff weren't playing, he still wasn't sure whether it was acceptable to be cheering on another team, and the idea made him nervous- especially surrounded by the whole stand of people in his house.

Mark glanced at him playfully, 'Aww that's so sweet, I thought you were gonna cheer for Slytherin'.

Ethan rolled his eyes, grinning back at him.

'I mean, I don't see why they should, it's not like you're going against your house.' Sean was the other side of him, pouring himself another drink.

Finn spoke, eyes lighting up with an idea, 'Hey, what if we disguised you as a Gryffindor! Then you come come up to the stands with us, and I doubt anyone would notice.'

'That's quite smart actually,' Louis chipped in, 'You could make fun of Mark with us!'

They looked at him expectantly, Ethan surprised at how excited they all looked- he'd never felt so _valued_. 'I mean yeah, if you guys want that.'

'Of course we do man,' Sean laid a friendly hand on his shoulder, 'Who would deny someone the chance of pretending they're in the best house?'

'I'm already in the best house' he quipped, without hesitation, too which Sean only scoffed.

Mark spoke up from beside him, 'You guys better be preparing me a cheer routine for the match.'

They all laughed, Finn beginning to deal the cards for the next round.

-

Ethan couldn't stop himself from grinning all throughout breakfast, constantly glancing over at Mark, who would return his smile when he caught his eye.

Noah nudged his side, startling him slightly, 'Are you _sure_ there's nothing going on between you two?' He asked suggestively, eyebrows waggling.

Ethan blushed, looking away from Mark quickly, 'Shut up' he whispered defensively, not really wanting anyone else to hear this conversation. Thankfully no one was paying too much attention, except for Kathryn opposite him.

'Oh come on Ethan, we _all_ know, there's no need to be embarrassed about it.' She reassured, although it wasn't very reassuring.

'Yeah, I mean just look at the way he keeps glancing over here,' Noah's words had Kathryn turning around, giggling as she verified the truth in Noah's statement, Mark giving Ethan a questioning look.

Ethan tore his eyes away, 'Guys stop,' he whined, 'He's gonna know we're talking about him.'

'Only if you admit there's something going on,' Kathryn teased.

Ethan groaned, 'Ok fine. _Maybe_ I like him, just a little. But nothing's going to happen- we're friends.'

Noah cooed mockingly, 'Ethan's in looove' he drew out his words, doing a little dance and completely ignoring the latter half of Ethan's statement.

'Shut up.' He blushed harder, burying his head in his hands. The other two just laughed at him, moving on with their conversation. After letting his humiliation die down a little, he glanced up at Mark, immediately locking eyes. He sent him a concerned look, Ethan just shaking his head, both of them communicating silently across the room.

Mark looked away, blushing slightly as Sean elbowed him to get his attention, the Irishman giving Ethan a knowing look. _God, did everyone know how hard he was crushing on Mark?_

He zoned back in on Noah and Kathryn's conversation- Kathryn was chewing her toast thoughtfully while the other was speaking, 'after lunch, so I could do it today maybe' he finished.

'What's going on?' Ethan asked, feeling a little guilty at not paying attention to his friends.

'Ethan! Glad you could join us,' Kathryn spoke sarcastically, but in a friendly manner, 'Noah's thinking of asking this girl in his muggle studies class to the ball.'

Noah blushed, looking down at his cereal, 'She'll probably say no though, we've barely even talked.'

'Hey!' Ethan said loudly in mock annoyance, 'Don't say that. She'd be lucky to have a stud such as yourself- you're _dream_ boyfriend material' he said, half-sarcastic but with unmistakable sincerity behind it.

Noah giggled, hitting his arm playfully, 'Not _your_ dream boyfriend material, _apparently_ '.

Ethan blushed, already knowing where this was going, preemptively glaring at Kathryn as she began to speak, 'Yeah, when are you going to stop being an idiot and ask Mark?'

'Guys I told you we're-'

' _Just friends_ , yes, we know' Noah interrupted, exasperated, 'You're certainly very friendly for just friends though, that's what us _actually_ just friends are saying.'

' _What?'_ Ethan just shook his head, confused, 'Let's go back to talking about Noah, you need to show us this girl so we can give our approval.'

He chuckled, 'You guys sure act like over-protective parents sometimes'. Noah scanned the room quickly before continuing, 'You see over there? On the Ravenclaw table, by that pile of pastries?' He pointed, Ethan spotting her quickly, 'Her name's Isla by the way'.

The name Isla certainly suited her, although Ethan didn't exactly know why, maybe it was the way she held herself so elegantly; her pin-straight, chocolatey hair complimenting her deep, honey-smooth skin, and she would probably remind him of a swan if it wasn't for the mischief that lit up her already bright azure eyes. Ethan could definitely imagine her with Noah.

'Aww she's cute', Ethan turned to Noah, poking his arm jokingly, 'You should definitely ask her.'

'Yeah,' Kathryn added, 'If you don't, I will.' She raised her eyebrows at him, only earning a laugh from the pair of them.

'Thanks guys, if I lose out on the love of my life, just know I blame you guys _entirely_ for encouraging me to do this.'

-

Ethan raced over to Mark's after breakfast, thankful one of the Gryffindors recognised him and let him in. He was over there so much it wasn't really surprising.

'Hey Eth.' Mark greeted him as he walked in, and no matter how many times Mark called him it, he couldn't help his heart from fluttering at the nickname. He was already changed into his quidditch uniform, looking devastatingly good, as always, and the others were on the other side of the room, slightly distracted by a lion poster they were making.

'Ethan!' Sean shouted at noticing his presence, walking over to them. 'Ready to be a Gryffindor?'

Ethan chuckled, nodding.

'Oh yeah,' Mark turned away grabbing something from behind him, 'Figured I wasn't going to be using this'. He handed him his robe, which Ethan quickly swapped out for his own, dumping it on the ground somewhere.

'One last thing' he added as Ethan turned back to face them, stepping forward to loop a scarf around Ethan's neck.

He pulled it through at the front, Ethan's heart racing furiously from their proximity, thudding so loud he wasn't sure if Mark would be able to feel it if his hand slipped and brushed his chest.

'Wouldn't want you to get cold,' Mark spoke softly, a gentle smile on his face that made Ethan's stomach go all gooey and bubbly, adjusting the scarf to his liking, and Ethan could feel his cheeks reddening with every action. Mark's eyes glanced up to meet his, his hands freezing in their position near Ethan's neck, tongue darting out to wet his parted lips. Ethan's eyes instinctively followed the motion, noticing the way Mark's cheeks flushed as he did. He couldn't help but stare- those pools of colour, speckled with deeper and darker browns, shining brighter than polished wood in the warm light of the room, almost a canvas of their own- too mesmerising to happen by chance, and Ethan could only believe that someone had put him together themselves, perfectly painted his face because _god_ did that beauty have to be intentional. 

'Right, this is- uh, my signal to leave I guess,' Sean's awkward voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and when Mark pulled away he was definitely blushing, flustered as he turned away to grab his broom.

'Yeah, um, I should probably go, y'know, warm up or something.' He fumbled out, Ethan just nodding as he watched him leave, heart slowing in his chest.

Ethan joined the others, adding the final touches to their poster before going out to the stands. No one paid too much notice to Ethan, thankfully, and they found a spot among all the other students, the crowd fizzing with excitement for the first match of the season.

Ethan quickly grew tired of waiting for the match to start, eyes flickering around the stands, picking out people to watch. The little light shed through the overcast sky made everyone seem gloomy, even through their jolly expressions, buzzing like bees in a hive, jostling those around them as they cheered and joked. Everyone was bundled up warm, Ethan tucking his chin into his scarf as the wind picked up and toyed with his hair, swaying the fabric that surrounded the stands and whistling through the air with a storm-like ferocity. He hoped the current wouldn't affect the game too much.

The cheers grew in pitch and Ethan looked down to see the teams coming out of their tents, watching Mark scan the crowd and quickly find them, shooting them all a smile as if it was them whom were about to play an intense game of quidditch. Although Ethan was not much of an athlete himself, he couldn't deny that quidditch was one of the more interesting sports to watch, finding himself imagining what it would be like to be one of the players, rather than a spectator- feeling everyone's eyes on you as you soared through the air, any mistake you could possibly make scrutinized by a stadium's worth of people. The idea terrified him, making the game all the more thrilling as he intensely followed the match.

It was nearing the end of the game- the snitch had not yet been caught, but both teams were close enough to winning anyway. Ethan could somehow feel the dread seep into his bones before it even happened- maybe it was the look in this particular Slytherin's eye, or the way he drew his arm back with such purpose, a premeditated attack, but before anyone could react he was swinging his bat, hard, hitting a bludger straight towards Mark. He felt his breath catch in his throat, helplessly following the trajectory as it smashed into his arm, and a soft hush fell upon the crowd.

He saw Mark curse, far too distant to hear it, Ethan forcing his eyes away from the sickening angle his arm was at. Mark just seemed to ignore it, tucking the arm into his chest to protect it and carrying on as if nothing had happened. He caught the ball from one of his teammates in his left hand- with a surprising amount of ambidexterity, Ethan thought- managing to fly without even holding his broom before passing it on to someone else. Even without Ethan's obvious bias towards Mark, he could really see that he deserved to be team captain, quickly developing his respect for any quidditch player. He'd learnt over the holidays that it was certainly _not_ as easy as it looked.

The Gryffindor seeker looked as though he was having a little trouble with a bludger himself, ducking and weaving in and out of the base of the stands with agility unrivaled by his opponent. The bludger followed him with a suspicious amount of accuracy, Ethan guessing it had been rigged somehow, which didn't really surprise him based on the things he had heard about Slytherin and their cheating habits.

In the end he did end up catching the snitch- in somewhat of a dramatic fashion- and cheers filled the air as Gryffindor had won their first match, the tension that had been building up in the school for weeks somehow out of mind- students hugging, laughing, beaming so bright that Ethan couldn't help but catch on to the contagious exhilaration that ran through the air, easily smothering the sullen looks on all the Slytherin faces. It seemed, in that moment, that all the fear and anticipation of what could happen to the school had been completely forgotten, faded away into the air like smoke from a campfire, only leaving the joy that burned bright below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really hoped you enjoyed this chapter, took a little longer to write than usual because of all the dialogue :) I hope everyone is doing well at home, I know isolation can be hard for some people, especially if you are alone- maybe check in on a friend if you haven't heard from them in a while <3 Thank you for all your love and support, I'm so grateful to have such lovely people reading!


	12. Chapter 12

It was a while before they managed to get out of the stands, jostled by the tide of the crowd, shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other students trying to do the same thing. The four of them raced over to the hospital wing, Ethan following the others who seemed to know the way.

The room was lined with beds, clean white linen occasionally separated by blue curtains. A faint smell of disinfectant and other chemicals lingered in the air, far from stagnant as people rushed around, a woman in a red gown with a white apron darting from bed to bed, her shoes clicking and resonating on the smooth tiled floor. Looking around the occupied beds, some with sleeping patients, one with a curiously large crowd around it, they quickly spotted Mark over at the quieter end, sitting up with his arm held close to his chest, smiling as he saw them approach.

'Mark!' Sean reached him first, taking a seat on the edge of his bed, 'Are you alright? Does it hurt?'

'Yeah, yeah I'm fine,' he grinned reassuringly, holding his arm up slightly, 'it looks a bit funny but that's about it, nothing more than a couple broken bones.' He chuckled, Ethan guessing this was probably normal for quidditch season- although Mark's nonchalance did nothing to hide the slight wince as he put his arm back down, smile not faltering but Ethan feeling such a strong urge to reach out and give him a much-deserved hug. He held himself back.

An irritated voice boomed from behind them, 'Alright, that's it! Everyone out! No visitors! How do you expect me to treat people when you're all getting in the way like flies? Out, all of you.' She paused, all eyes on her, directing the worst of her glare at the crowd around the bed at the other end, 'Well, what are you waiting for? Come back in, I don't know, an hour- I don't want to see any of you before then'. She had a kind face but her voice was stern, letting everyone know that she was not messing around.

Quickly, people began to disperse, all of them giving a quick goodbye to Mark before standing up to leave.

'We'll be back soon buddy', Louis assured.

Before they could leave, the nice but kind of scary nurse approached him and Finn, her eyes softer than before. 'Finn dear, could you grab some stuff from Snape for me? I'd go myself but I'm a little busy.'

Finn beamed as enthusiastic as Ethan had ever seen him, 'Yeah, of course, what do you need?'

'I need some Mandrake restorative draught and some skele-grow. Oh and whilst you're there grab some murtlap.' She shot him a grateful smile before quickly getting back to her work.

'What was that about?' Ethan questioned.

'Oh I work here in frees and on weekends sometimes, helps with my classes.' That made sense, Ethan thought- he remembered Finn talking about wanting to be a healer. The others had already left so he offered to go with Finn to fetch the potions- as much as he didn't really feel like talking to Snape.

Finn thanked him for offering, 'You don't know how scared I am of that man- he gives me the heebie-jeebies.' Ethan giggled at the helpless expression on Finn's face.

They walked in silence for a minute before Finn spoke up again, somehow reading Ethan's mind, 'Don't worry about Mark, he's in real good hands- Madam Pomfrey is the best nurse I've seen. Not that I've seen many, but she's good; plus this happens to him all the time.'

Ethan mumbled a quick but grateful thanks, mind easing slightly but cheeks flushing at how obvious it was that he liked Mark- was there anyone who _didn't_ know? Eventually they arrived at Snape's dungeon- Ethan knocking nervously on the dampened wood, pushing the door open cautiously.

Snape looked up from his desk, marking papers by the looks of it, the usual unamused expression adorning his face. Ethan would be lying if he said the professor had warmed to him- his demeanor too icy for that to happen to anyone- but he seemed to tolerate him (a feat Ethan was rather proud of), and he guessed Snape respected his passion for the subject.

'Nestor.' He nodded briefly, eyes trailing off to the boy beside him, 'And...?' he questioned, obviously not recognising Finn.

'Uh- Finn. Finn Carter. I'm in your Potions-B class.' Ethan hadn't even realised there was another potions class.

' _Ah_ , yes' Snape looked as though he was holding back an eye-roll, 'What do you want?'

Finn listed the items Madame Pomfrey had requested, Snape only sighing and disappearing into his potions cupboard, reappearing with said items and handing them to the boys. They were about to leave when Snape's voice halted them, Ethan half-afraid they had somehow managed to do something wrong in the two minutes they had been there.

'Nestor. Remember we have a practical first thing Monday. Don't be late.'

Ethan fumbled out a quick 'Yes sir' before leaving.

Finn looked at him in shock as they ascended up the spiraling staircase, 'Dude! That was basically a farewell from the guy! How did you get on his good side? I didn't even know he _had_ a good side'.

Ethan chuckled at his excitement, shrugging.

'Seriously though! Six fucking years I've been taught by that man and you saw him- he didn't even know my bloody name!'

Maybe Snape did like him after all. Ethan smiled at the thought.

They eventually made their way back, Madame Pomfrey thanking Finn and Ethan as she took the potions from them.

'How's Mark doing?' Finn asked, Ethan glad he did because he never would have had the courage to ask himself- guess there were benefits of being friends with a future healer. Madame Pomfrey looked over at his bed- he was lying down now, facing away so Ethan couldn't tell if he was asleep.

'He's fine, been better probably. I guess I'll be seeing a lot more of him now that quidditch season has started again. It's been a while since I've seen an arm broken in so many places, completely shattered in spots, so congratulate him for me when he wakes up- at least he doesn't have to regrow his bones like Potter over there,' She gestured over to the bed that before the crowd had been blocking- a young boy, maybe first or second year, who Ethan recognised as the Gryffindor seeker within it.

Ethan gave her a confused look and she just sighed, 'Long story, too many incompetent people at this school. Anyway, I've wrapped his arm up and put a sling on it- usually this process would be a bit quicker, but since this is probably going to happen again it'd be wiser to leave the sling on for a few days, to make sure everything heals properly. Also, I gave him a potion to help ease the pain, so he might be a little out of it, it tends to make people a little drowsy'.

They thanked her, standing there for a second before she sighed, 'Fine- I guess you can go speak to him, but if anyone else comes in you're out, okay?'

'Yes miss.' Finn said, grinning.

They rushed over, Ethan taking a seat on the side of his bed, Finn standing beside him. Mark smiled softly as he saw them, propping himself up onto his good elbow. 'Hey Eth, hey Finn.' His words were slurred slightly, as if drunk, Ethan couldn't help but admire the way his name rolled of his tongue.

'Hey man' Finn crouched so that he was at eye level, 'How're you holding up?'

'Good, good' He drawled, smile not faltering, 'Did you guys realise there was a whole 'nother section to this place? Like over there?' He gestured with his eyes to the other end of the wind, Finn and Ethan chuckling at his state.

'Alright man, I should probably go help out with the other patients. Will you two be alright without me?' The last part was definitely sarcastic, Ethan giving him a half-glare half-smile as he left.

He looked back and Mark was smiling at him, Ethan feeling his cheeks go red. 'Hey Eth,' he repeated.

'Hi Mark.' Ethan replied, like he was talking to a child, turning so he could face him better.

His eyes quickly scanned the table beside Mark, a couple medicines and leftover bandages and Mark's bracelet, hastily undone beside them. Mark's gaze followed his own, 'Oh yeah, they had to take it off for my uh-' he held his arm up, unsure, 'arm thing. Can you put it back on?' He leaned so he could take his weight off of his good arm, sitting up and holding it out to Ethan, who quickly got to work tying it, Mark watching him with lazy eyes.

Just as he was about to pull his hands away, Mark flipped his over, holding Ethan's wrist gently. He let his palm flatten, resting against Mark's forearm and feeling his muscles twitch as he lowered it to the bed, not letting go.

'I like red,' Mark's eyes were fixed on the bracelet, voice sleepy, 'It's my favourite colour.'

Ethan smiled softly, 'Yeah, I know.'

'Everyone has a colour, y'know?' He looked up at Ethan, tilting his head, 'Yours is blue. S'nice' He paused, eyes boring into him with a soft intensity, 'You look good in blue.'

Ethan laughed nervously, eyes glancing down to the bed-sheets between them, ignoring the flush that rose up his neck, 'Maybe I should have been in Ravenclaw.'

'No, no, no.' Mark insisted, looking past Ethan now, distracted by something over his shoulder, 'You're too sweet for that. Definitely Hufflepuff.'

They kept on talking for a while, Mark blabbering on about god-knows-what, until he fell silent for a second, thoughtful.

'Mark are you al-'

'You know I love you right?' Ethan almost choked as the words left Mark's mouth, heart leaping into his chest. Even though he knew Mark wasn't saying it in, y'know, _the romantic way_ , it didn't stop his head spinning as he racked his brain for a response.

'Yeah.' He fumbled out, pausing on his words, 'Me too.'

Mark just smiled up at him, completely unaware of the panic party taking place in Ethan's brain.

'You're so good to me, man'. Before Ethan could respond Mark was pulling him into a hug, one arm wrapping tightly around his waist, nose pressed into his shoulder. Ethan circled his arms around his neck cautiously, careful not to put pressure on the injured arm he could feel between them as Mark pulled him closer. Ethan let himself relax, breathing in the familiarity of Mark, body sinking into the heat that relieved him from the cool air of the hospital- Mark radiating it like the sun, sending electricity sparking all through his body. God, every time he hugged Mark he never wanted it to end, feeling so safe and at home in his arms, the inevitable disappointment rising in his gut as Mark pulled away- except this time he didn't completely, only so that their faces were mere inches apart, his hand resting on Ethan's waist, tingling, and Ethan's arms still looped around his neck.

His eyes were shimmering, and immediately Ethan could tell something was bothering him, opening his mouth to ask when Mark began to speak, so soft that no one else would be able to hear, as if the world was only them two.

'Do you think they'll close the school?' It was an unexpected question, to say the least, and Ethan hadn't really thought about the whole 'Chamber of Secrets' thing in a while.

'I don't know' he finally, mirroring Mark's low tone, 'Why?'

Mark didn't answer his question, 'What do you think we'll do if they do?'

Ethan paused, confused, 'I mean, I guess we'll just have to go home, I don't see what else.'

'I can't' Mark replied after a second, glassy eyes looking into Ethan's with a slight panic, 'I can't go home.'

The sentence sent an unpleasant feeling straight to Ethan's stomach, already feeling sick at the dread that pooled there, 'What do you mean?'. His voice barely broke above a whisper.

Mark didn't respond, distracted, his gaze no longer on Ethan's eyes but instead his mouth, gazing at his lips thoughtfully, reminding him how close they were, how easy it would be to lean forward and just- _no_. His brain snapped him out of it, bringing him back to reality, 'Mark' he said, more insistently this time, 'What do you mean you can't?'

His gaze snapped back up to his, seeming to think a second before opening his mouth, 'I can't go home. I- I don't-' his eyebrows furrowed, glancing down and blinking a few times, as if confused, remembering, 'I don't live there anymore. I'm not allowed back.' It all burst out at once, his eyes flickering between Ethan's searchingly, pooling with anxiety.

'Mark what do you-' he was cut off by someone clearing their throat awkwardly from behind him, turning to see Sean and Louis. He flushed at realising the rather compromising position he'd been caught in, pulling away from Mark hastily once his body caught up with his thoughts.

'Sorry' Louis started, an amused expression on his face- that combined with the shit-eating grin on Sean's face told him their ears had not been witness to the conversation they had just been having- 'We didn't mean to interrupt anything, just wanted to check in'.

'Uh yeah' Ethan cleared his throat, standing, glancing back to see that thankfully Mark's face was as red as his, 'I'll go uh- help Finn.' He walked away quickly, glad to be free of the unbearable tension as he made his way over to Finn.

Ethan asked about the other patients, grateful for the distraction from his racing thoughts, although only half listening, the other half of his brain trying to figure out what the fuck Mark could have meant just a few minutes earlier. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again- I was planning to post this chapter tomorrow morning but I was really productive and ended up finishing today and I've already started the next chapter! I'm just really excited for all the things I have planned for the next few chapters. This one even got a bit long so I had to move some of my plans over into the next one :) Anyway, thank you for reading, I really hope you like this chapter as I was quite happy with how it came out, and I've been more in the writing zone today (hence why I've got so much done!). I appreciate all the comments and support, it means so much to me to be able to read all your sweet messages <3


	13. Chapter 13

Ethan hadn't yet managed to catch Mark alone- Madame Pomfrey sending them away to let Mark rest, and then not seeing him until the next day at breakfast- and he spent that whole day in the presence of his friends too. Ethan was dying to confront Mark about it- his mind feeling like it hadn't stopped racing since, filled with so much concern and dread and way too many other emotions until it was full enough to burst, he felt like he was barely holding himself together with everything that was going on.

He couldn't even pinpoint the moment when he'd began to care so much for Mark, the moment when his feelings had become so much more than a silly little crush, the moment when all he ever wanted to do was make Mark happy, protect him from anything that could ever hurt him- it had just happened without him realising it. But that's the one downside about caring so much: it hurts like fucking hell when something's wrong.

 _God_ he knew he was way too wound up over this, shouldn't be losing sleep over a conversation, but he was so worried about everything that he couldn't help it, felt so fucking _helpless_ all the time because he wasn't sure what he could do to fix it. Yet when he saw Mark on Monday morning- ready to go to potions, just talking and laughing with his friends- well, he felt like shit even bringing it up; not wanting to "be a downer _"_ to put it lightly, ruin the happiness he loved seeing in Mark's eyes by bringing up something that clearly had made him uncomfortable and painfully dejected when he had been talking about it just the other day. Fuck, Ethan wasn't even sure if Mark _remembered_ talking about it- drugged up on god-knows-what in that hospital wing, words he probably didn't mean tumbling out of his mouth. What if he got mad that Ethan knew? Or annoyed at him for bringing it up?

Deep down, Ethan knew with absolute certainty that Mark would never get mad at something like that, way too level-headed and caring to ever hurt one of his friends, but that didn't relieve the doubt that was catching Ethan's tongue, holding him back from speaking up.

It was when Mark walked over that Ethan realised he had been staring maybe a little too long, lost in thought.

'Hey' he gave Ethan that lopsided grin that made his stomach flip as he reached him, 'You alright?'

 _No_ 'Yeah, just tired.' He noticed the books Mark was holding, playfully snatching them, tutting mockingly, 'You aren't meant to be carrying these around- _you're injured._ ' He gestured to the sling Mark was still wearing.

Mark laughed in response, not bothering to take them back- knowing Ethan would never let him win, 'Yeah, yeah, okay mum. Ready for potions?'

'You bet I am' He fell into stride next to Mark, unable to hold back his smile as they fell into sync.

Ethan helped him to his next class as well, insisting on carrying his books, only handing them back when they reached the classroom.

'Are you sure you know the way back to your classroom?' Mark asked, leaning against the door frame in that casual manner that always reminded Ethan how ungodly hot this guy was- it was unfair.

'Yeah, well I mean, I hope so.' Truth was, and Mark knew it, Ethan was awful with directions, barely knowing the way to the dining hall (where he went _three fucking times a day_ ) let alone his classes.

'Maybe I should walk you there, just to be sure.' Mark grinned teasingly, his tongue poking out adorably between his teeth.

'Yeah, but then I'd have to walk you back so I can carry your books.' Ethan returned, hiding the fact that he was _completely_ happy to do that, not just to miss Alchemy.

'That sounds like a smart plan.' Mark stood there for a second, a silence falling between them that was far from uncomfortable, neither particularly wanting to go to class.

Broad footsteps sounded from down the hall, a tall and intimidating Professor turning the corner, 'Fischbach- correct me if I'm wrong but I do believe lessons require students to actually be _inside_ the classrooms rather than gossiping at the doorway.'

Mark's head whipped around, Ethan guessing this must be his Arithmancy teacher.

'And I'm assuming your friend also has a lesson he's meant to be in?'

'Yes sir' Ethan mumbled flashing Mark an amused look before bolting in the other direction- if only he could remember which corridor he had to go down.

-

Later in the day Ethan was sitting on the common room couch, studying with Tyler- both of them writing an essay on the proper care of Porlocks (not that Hagrid ever marked their essays, anyway) when Noah burst in, startling the few other people in the room- Ben and Charlie playing wizard's chess on the floor in front of them and a group of third-years at another table.

'Someone's been attacked' he blurted out, words jumbled together from his shortness of breath, eyes wide and panicked, leaning on the side of the entrance for support.

If there was a best way to get a room's attention, that was certainly it.

' _What?'_ Charlie was at his feet immediately, ready to run or fight or who even knows. The third-years turned so they could see him, no one taking their eyes off Noah.

'By the... the thing. The Chamber of Secrets thing.'

'You mean someones _dead_?' One of the third-years jutted in, her voice raising it pitch at the end.

'No no no, he's petrified- y'know paralysed. Can't move. I saw him- they took him to the hospital wing but she didn't know what to do either. It was so freaky I-'

'Who?' Tyler interrupted him, his voice commanding.

'Colin... Creevey? I think? He's a first year.'

'Isn't he the kid with the camera- at all the quidditch games and shit?' Ben was on the floor, hand still frozen holding one of the chess pieces.

Noah nodded, pale.

'Jesus Christ,' he heard Tyler next to him mutter under his breath.

Ethan buried his head in his hands, _god what if they closed the school after this?_ He knew it was selfish to be thinking about Mark when a kid had just been fucking attacked but he couldn't help it- thoughts racing, filled with nothing other than concern. He felt Tyler's hand rub his back soothingly and he leaned into it, glad for the comfort his friend brought.

'You alright?' He whispered, the others still continuing, probing more out of Noah.

'Yeah, just stressed.'

-

He met up with Mark and the others after dinner, following them to their dorm for another game night, Mark weirdly silent as they entered with Ethan picking up on it quickly.

'What's up?' Ethan stripped off his robe, throwing it next to Mark's on his bed like he usually did.

Mark looked up at him, 'I was just thinking that maybe it wouldn't be the best thing for you to stay too late tonight...' he trailed off, an apologetic look on his face, 'Not that I- we don't want you to stay it's just- are you sure it's safe? Y'know with the whole... thing' 

Ethan glanced away. He hadn't really thought about that- suddenly he hated being in a different house, 'Yeah, that's a good point.' He really didn't want to miss hanging out with them, but he realised it was for his own safety- the school seemed to be getting more and more dangerous each day.

He could feel the others watching him, Finn stepping forward, 'Hey man, you could just stay over, no? We have a spare bed and everything.'

Mark looked back at him hopefully, 'Yeah?'

Ethan felt the corners of his mouth tug up, guilty he'd been so dramatic for a second there, 'I- yeah, sure. If you guys don't mind.'

''Course we don't!' Sean patted his back from beside him, 'Thought we were gonna have to cancel games night for a sec there.' Ethan smiled at him appreciatively.

He went back to his dorm to fetch some of the stuff he needed, also realising he should probably tell someone where he was going to be- he didn't want his roommates to think he'd been the next victim or something.

Noah looked up from his book as Ethan entered, greeting him.

'Hey, what's up?'

'Oh, just staying over at Mark's tonight- thought it would probably be safer than sneaking back.' He grabbed a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from his draws, bundling them under his arm, 'Hope that's ok.'

'Yeah man, have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.' Noah winked in an over-exaggerated manner, Ethan just rolling his eyes. 'Oh! Before you go I have news- I already told Kathryn in Transfiguration but I asked her out!' His voice rose as he got more excited, 'To the ball! And she said yes!' He was grinning ear to ear by now, and Ethan couldn't help but do the same- Noah's smile had this way of creeping into your brain, dangerously contagious.

'Isla?' Ethan asked and Noah confirmed, nodding, 'That's great! You two are so cute together,' he leaned over and pinched Noah's cheek playfully, who in turn was too giddy to be annoyed. 'You gotta fill me in on the whole situation tomorrow. Breakfast.' He pointed a finger at him, raising his eyebrows.

Noah grinned cheekily, 'That's a deal.'

Ethan couldn't wipe the smile off his face as he made his way back- he wasn't lying when he said they were cute together- the only thing that was getting him down was that he probably wasn't going to see it, his money on not going to the whole dance thing right about now. It hadn't looked like Mark had asked anyone but _god_ if someone hadn't asked him by now Ethan would... he didn't know, the idea just seemed impossible. And it wasn't like Mark had no reason to say no to anyone that asked- he wasn't exactly in a relationship and he could probably have literally whoever he wanted. Ethan consciously unclenched his jaw- _god, even thinking about it got him so wound up, what the fuck was wrong with him?_

He toed his shoes off and loosened his tie as he entered, taking a seat next to Mark's bed and trying to claw his way out of the bad mood he could feel himself slipping into. Right on time, Lily hopped off one of the nearby beds and padded over to him, meowing for attention as if she could tell Ethan was in need of giving it.

He felt something soft hit the back of his head, turning around to see Mark smiling at him from beside his drawers, all sulky thoughts dissipating rapidly as he returned it. Looking down he saw that it was Mark's hoodie.

'You looked cold,' Mark said sincerely.

Blushing and murmuring a thanks- he was in fact cold- Ethan pulled it on, his body quickly warming it up. He couldn't help the soft smile that tugged at his cheeks- this was the hoodie Mark always let him borrow when he stayed over, him "getting cold" so frequently that Mark had once joked that the hoodie was basically his.

 _Fuck_ he was so far gone, wasn't he?

-

The night wore down, moon glimmering high in the blacked-out sky before any of them considered getting any sleep, their words slightly slurred and less thought-through from the fatigue, minds not as sharp as they were earlier that evening. The agreement to go to bed was mutual, them all changing swiftly as the room quickly submerged itself in silence, only the soft rustling of covers and the soundscape of the night outside interrupting the stillness. 

Ethan took the bed that no one slept in next to Mark's- as they had four people in their dorm rather than five- quickly getting used to the strange feeling of being surrounded by dull red curtains instead of mustard yellow, and although he could feel the heaviness of his eyelids, how foggy and lagging his brain was, he was too restless to fall into the embrace of a good night's sleep- really the last thing he needed.

He flipped over, too curious to stay faced away from Mark's bed, and saw that he was sat up reading rather than trying to get to sleep. Their eyes met as he did, Ethan mumbling a soft 'hey'.

'Can't sleep?' Mark's voice was low, tender in the quiet room.

Ethan nodded sleepily, 'What are you reading?'

Mark smirked, 'Come see.' 

The humour was obviously lost in Ethan's tired brain, swiftly toeing over to Mark's bed, who pulled up the covers that were pooled around his waist to let Ethan under. It was so much warmer there than the cool sheets on Ethan's bed.

Ethan let his eyes scan over the pages of Mark's book- met with thin text and pictures of- 'Quidditch. Yuck.' Ethan made a face, a disgusted noise coming from his mouth. Mark laughed, soft and muted, yet it still sent butterflies to Ethan's stomach.

Ethan would never admit it but it was cute that Mark was reading about it- he did want to be a professional Quidditch player after all (which, as much as Ethan hated to say it, was pretty hot), and Ethan loved the way he got all excited and his eyes would light up when he talked about it. Which was partly the reason why Ethan ended up reading over Mark's shoulder, not really paying to much attention to the words but letting his eyes skim over them sleepily, eventually leaning to rest his head on Mark's shoulder, who in turn wrapped his arm around him so he could be more comfortable- _no, Ethan's heart was definitely not melting._

Lily joined them, curling up between Ethan's legs as he petted her fur softly, his senses overwhelmed by warmth and Mark's comfy hoodie and his adorable cat and _god_ even his soft breathing was so relaxing, Ethan's eyes fluttering closed as he just let himself ease into it. His heart spiked when he felt Mark's lips press to his forehead softly in an action that was so _loving_ that he could feel his head splitting open, full of too many gooey and sappy emotions that were definitely going to give him a heart attack one day. _Fuck_ Mark didn't even know what he was doing to him, pulling away softly and letting his head gently rest on Ethan's, surrounding him in a way that almost felt too much- too perfect for Ethan to handle.

His heart was pounding, trying his hardest to hold back, not fall further under something he knew he wouldn't be able to get out of- so scared of whatever heartbreak on his part was sure to come- but he couldn't help it, couldn't resist the way he sank into Mark as if that was where he belonged; that was were he would ever want to be, those arms were the ones he needed to be surrounded by, as if this was the moment his whole life was leading up to. _God_ he hated how strong his emotions were- getting way too much for him way too fast and it was almost suffocating how deep in he was, completely and willingly ready to drown for this man.

-

It was the sunlight that nudged him awake- the soft rays of gold easing their way under his eyelids, causing him to stir. It must have been relatively late considering the January sun didn't tend to rise early, staying in slumber well into the early hours of the morning- usually leaving them stumbling around in the dark to get to their morning classes.

He yawned, finally registering Mark's arm wrapped around him, providing a level of warmth his body never seemed to, his head resting on Ethan's in a way that surely wasn't comfortable. Thinking about it, Ethan's neck didn't feel like it was going to move easily either, a dull ache already forming at his nape, although he couldn't really bring himself to care. Remembering it was Tuesday and he had frees this morning, he allowed himself to sink back into Mark, permitting himself to enjoy just a few more minutes of peace and comfort before Mark awoke and would probably not enjoy it as much as Ethan did.

It seemed too good to be true- Ethan racking his brain for any commitments he had but coming up empty. He usually slept in a little later on Tuesdays- not _this_ late, mind you- going to breakfast with Tyler and the rest of the late-breakfast gang (which he was definitely not a member of), sometimes finishing off an essay for his Charms lesson later, or (if he had nothing else) going to watch quidditch practice with Finn.

Wait.

Quidditch practice.

 _Mark's_ quidditch practice.

'Shit' he mumbled, turning so that he could shake Mark, his sudden movement causing Lily, who had been curled up at their feet, to jump of the bed and scurry off somewhere. He planted his hands on his shoulders, calling his name frantically and watching him blink awake slowly at his motions.

'Eth,' he murmured voice laden with tiredness, deep yet still butter-smooth even at just waking, _'Jesus,_ what?' Despite his words, his eyes had no hint of irritation in them, the fondness present almost enough for Ethan to loose his train of thought.

'You have quidditch practice. Like, _an hour ago_.'

Mark's brain was definitely lagging because it took a second for him to react, eyes widening as he cursed under his breath, leaping out of bed. Clothes flew in the air as he searched for his uniform, the constant stream of curses that flew out of his mouth impressively not ceasing.

Ethan turned away as he changed, flopping back onto his bed and feeling his side tingling from all the places they had been touching. He rolled his eyes at his own body's actions, so used to it now that he wasn't even surprised at the fluttering in his stomach, or the blush dusting his cheeks. He knew by now that Mark was way too oblivious to ever notice anyway.

' _Shit,_ thanks man, I don't know why I slept in so late.'

'Have fun.' He mumbled as he sensed Mark leaving, raising his head just enough to catch the grin Mark sent him before he darted out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, may have got carried away hence why this chapter's a little longer. The next few chapters will all probably be longer though, as more is happening in them- so many things are coming, and it's going to be so sad to see this book finished! Anyway, I really hoped you enjoyed this chapter- I've spent the last two hours just editing it lol (I'm curious as to how long everyone else takes to write, because it takes me ages) :). Thank you all so much for all your support, it really means a lot to me, and it's my favourite part of the day being able to read people's comments (that might be why I keep posting early aha), love you all <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're ready for the longest chapter yet :)

The term had raced into February- going by much too fast for Ethan's liking, and it really felt like the peak of winter- snow softly coating the ground, and the faint crunch of grass trapped underneath could be felt through vibrations as they stood restlessly around Hagrid's hut, green spikes poking out, hinting at the spring to come.

Bundled up in enough layers to almost trick Ethan into thinking he was warm, he stood by Tyler and Kathryn, sort of zoned out as Hagrid excitedly showed them one of his baby dragons-standing purposefully on the palm of his large hand, tail swishing in the air like smoke, the sharp burst of fire that left his mouth quickly dying and leaving the remnants of steam rising in the frigid air. It wasn't a dragon Hagrid was meant to have- due to grow into a ferocious beast too dangerous for the school grounds- but it wasn't like anyone was going to tell.

The castle was as grey and lifeless as ever- the snow capped peaks of the tower blending in with the white of the sky, dulling slightly as the fog of his breath clouded the air in front of him. The sky was clear enough for him to see dots in the distance, whizzing and dancing around in the air like soot from a campfire, students in a flying lesson, no doubt, and although he was far to distant for sound to reach, he could hear in the back of his head their laughter as they played around. Students dusted the front of the castle too, some sitting on benches, under trees, he could spot a lower year class down by the lake, casting spells to freeze the ice.

A familiar figure caught his attention- Mark exiting the castle through one of the side entrances, pulling his cloak tighter around himself as he stepped into the snow, wind tousling his hair cutely. Ethan would have waved but Mark didn't see him, not looking in his direction as he quickly turned and disappeared into the trees, down a path Ethan hadn't noticed before. _Weird_ , he thought, but he guessed Mark just wanted to read outside or something, never seeming to get as cold as Ethan did in the snow. He could go find him soon anyway, since the class was nearing it's end- maybe 10-15 minutes left- Hagrid only showing off his creatures since they'd finished the lesson's work.

'You ok there Ethan?' He saw Tyler's hand resting gently on his shoulder before he felt it, smiling up at his friend.

'Yeah, just zoned out.'

Tyler hummed thoughtfully, 'You've just been a little distracted lately is all.'

Ethan's heart warmed at the concern, leaning in to his side playfully, 'Nah, I'm good. Just have a short attention span.' He doubted Tyler would appreciate the truth if he admitted that he was just thinking about Mark maybe a little too much to be healthy. Oh well. 

Kathryn asked him if he was going to come to lunch when the lesson finished, him instead saying some excuse about having to ask Hagrid about coursework, telling them not to wait. It wasn't a complete lie- just not the whole truth, Ethan still being dead curious as to why he'd seen Mark earlier, bee-lining towards the forest once he was done talking to Hagrid.

The air was different, delicate almost as he drew closer- as if the trees were in their own bubble, unaffected by the wind that blew around them, sheltering anyone hiding within. Twigs cracked softly under his feet, even on the slightly trodden path that wove in, darting and weaving between trees so as to not disturb the thick swarm of trunks and shrubs, barely visible beneath the white, glowing in the soft sun that filtered through the upper branches. He heard their sounds before he saw them- quickly recognising the soft sighs as those of thestrals, faded black against the stark white forest. It was just a kid and his mother in a small clearing- less than ten metres across, he would guess- small wings huddled close to it's body, thin and spindly like a black cloak stretched between joints, doing nothing to conceal the bones underneath. 

Mark wasn't hard to spot, sitting on a log not far off, just watching them peacefully as they disturbed the untouched snowfall. _Huh. Guess he could see them too._ Thinking about it, Ethan remembered him seeing one, stroking it, back before winter break- he'd just never picked up on it. Mark's eyes shot up as Ethan reached the clearing, him freezing like a deer caught in headlights, suddenly not so sure that Mark wanted to be disturbed.

'Hey' Mark's voice was soft, no need to be risen- no competition from the silent forest- the look in his eyes relaxing Ethan immediately, welcoming him.

He could feel Mark's gaze on him as he scanned the clearing again, this time from within, feeling like he was in some kind of snow globe, each tree positioned perfectly to circle around him, capturing a moment of winter that felt like a painting- soft strokes of white and cream melting into colour.

The mother thestral seemed to notice him too now, stepping towards him and huffing, her child trailing behind her. He reached his hand out, resting it on the side of her neck, studying her face; the way it hollowed so that her bones jutted out, the harsh shadows on her face bleeding into her skin, blending into shapes, her eyes blind-white in a way that should be frightening but in them he could only see gentleness, a timid curiosity as she studied him back.

It was kind of obvious for anyone to see but Ethan loved animals- didn't know how anyone else couldn't if he was honest- each and every one offering him as much joy as any person could- they were just that little bit harder to communicate with; sometimes you only had to pay a little more attention. He found that most were an open book- displaying their emotions so fearlessly and blatantly in a way that no human he'd ever met could, held back by their own doubts and hesitations. He knew he could love them, trust them, without worrying about the consequences, no fear of malicious intent in those wide open eyes- _god_ it was so much simpler.

'You can see them?' Mark's eyes hadn't left him, traces of surprise and something else in his voice.

Ethan turned to face him, not removing his hand, still standing hesitantly a few metres away from where Mark was sitting. He nodded and was surprised when Mark's face fell, eyebrows drawing together before he looked away, down at his hands.

'I'm sorry.' Ethan couldn't stop watching him, admiring the way his hair fell over his face, brushing against his pink-tinged cheeks, cold from the snow. He'd never seen Mark look so... _vulnerable,_ the hurt in his expression tugging painfully at Ethan's chest.

'Why?'

At that Mark looked back up at him, those dark brown eyes meeting his, so familiar yet complex, reading Ethan just the same, quickly picking up on his confusion. 'You don't know?' He asked sincerely, almost looking as if her were about to cry and _god_ if that didn't do things to Ethan.

He shook his head, not even knowing what he didn't know.

The look on Mark's face had Ethan resisting to just rush over and give him a hug, looking back down at his hands once more.

He paused, mulling over his words, 'You can see them if you've seen someone die.' He went quiet at the end, like he was stopping his voice from cracking.

'Oh,' was all he could say, feeling how slow the cogs in his brain were turning- and then it dawned on him, could feel Mark's eyes on him, probably pitying how long it had taken him and suddenly the god-awful grief in his eyes made so much sense and yeah, he had only just remembered that Mark could see them too.

'I'm sorry.' He repeated back Mark's earlier phrase, finding that there was no better thing to say- nothing that could fix the situation, have any possible chance of doing anything productive.

'It's ok.' He heard Mark mumble, not really able to pay much attention as his eyes bore into the snow in front of him, feeling them prickle as is they'd been open to long despite his stuttered blinking; an attempt to hold himself back, wondering why the one thing he'd never wish upon anyone else had to have happened to Mark of all people. The person, in his opinion, who deserved it the least. 

'What happened?' Mark's voice broke him out of his thoughts, soft as ever, but careful, 'You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.'

Ethan shook his head, taking a steady breath to sober himself. _G_ _uess he was getting into this now._ 'It was at my old school.' 

God he was so quiet he could barely feel the reverberations in his chest, barely above a whisper so much so that he was worried Mark wouldn't be able to hear, but the way he was watching him told him otherwise, his words carried like feathers in the breeze, breaking the deafening silence that lay between the gaps in their words.

'A kid- I don't know snapped or something, and he went round, y'know, hurting people. And I saw someone die.' He hesitated, his eyes that were previously fixated back on the thestral as if she was the one he was talking to, dropping to the ground. The words felt foreign in his mouth, pooling sickeningly on his tongue. 'My sister.'

It was only then that he realised he'd never said it out loud before- never even talked about what had happened as if ignoring it would make it go away, remembering all the times his parents had tried to talk to him about it but he'd pushed them away, the wound too tender for anyone to touch- and all along he never realised that it would only heal slower that way. Had anyone even _known_ what he saw? He'd just felt like no one would understand- who would have possibly noticed him, crying over one of the many bodies littered around the school? Even just admitting that he was right there, failing to protect her, just letting her die whilst he sat around helpless felt so shameful, _god_ he was nauseous at the thought, disgusted at his own inability to do anything. It was so wrong, a secret he'd felt like he could never tell anyone.

He could feel the wetness on his cheeks by now, not even bothering to hold them back as he stood there silently, and at some point Mark must have stood up without him noticing because warm arms were wrapping around him, pulling him in in a way that he couldn't even resist if he wanted to. His tears soaked through the fabric as he buried his face in Mark's shoulder, feeling his own shoulders tremble slightly. He did nothing else but let himself be held- let go from whatever emotional release he had been resisting, scared on the edge of a precipice that in reality would only do him good.

Fuck, he'd never expected that saying the words would be so relieving- the tightness he'd felt in his chest finally releasing so he could breathe- everything still so far from even being tolerable but _god_ it was so much better than it had been only a few months prior.

Mark pulled back, hands cupping Ethan's cheeks as he let their eyes reconnect, thumb gently brushing away the wetness below his eyes- cool against his warm tears- as he conveyed countless unspoken words between them, laying every single thought and emotion right there for Ethan to see, comforting him with the candour and love he exhibited- just his look alone enough to calm his breathing, relax his brain, let him know that everything was going to be okay because he wasn't alone. And he had himself- and by extent, the part of his sister that he still held onto.

And then Mark was pulling him closer again, pressing his lips ever so gently to his hairline, Ethan pressing his nose into the side of his neck, his shaky hands pressed flat between them. They stayed like that for a while, safe.

Ethan hesitated before saying the thought that came into his mind, fracturing the weighted silence that had fallen. 'Why can you see them?'

Just like that Mark's warmth was gone as he stepped back slightly, eyes trained on the ground between them.

'I'm sorry, you don't have to say, I shouldn't have asked, I-'

'It's fine.' Mark cut him off, gently, stepping back further and retaking his seat on the log, elbows resting on his knees as he ran a hand through his hair.

Ethan took a seat beside him, careful not to encroach on his space, unsure of what to say. Maybe he shouldn't have brought it up but he'd be lying if he said the thought had left his mind since he first stepped into the clearing. After their talk in the hospital Ethan was left feeling like there were so many important things he didn't know about Mark- desperate to know them not out of morbid curiosity but out of need- _needing_ to do whatever he could. He felt like he could work his whole life and just a glimpse of Mark's happiness would make it all worth it.

He shivered slightly, the long time he had spent outside plus the loss of heat he was getting from the hug finally catching up with him.

'Are you cold?' Mark was glanced up, not looking directly at Ethan. He nodded and Mark shifted, closing the gap between them and wrapping his arm around him, quickly dissipating the cold. Ethan rested his head on his shoulder instinctively, closing his eyes and forgetting he had asked Mark a question.

'I was never sure whether he'd told you.' He started, Ethan's ears swiftly picking up as he listened, 'Tyler. He's the only other person at this school who knows this, but I assumed if he did you would've stopped talking to me or at least brought it up or something.'

Ethan furrowed his eyebrows, confused, 'Tyler never told me anything specific.' He paused. 'He just said be careful.'

Mark let out a sad chuckle, but there was no bitterness behind it, 'Sounds about right.'

He frowned, wanting to weed out the anguish in his voice, never wanting to hear it again, but instead he just sat there, helpless to the fixed nature of Mark's past.

'My parents were death eaters- they supported you-know-who.'

Ethan was glad Mark couldn't see the way his eyes widened in surprise, hearing the disgust in his voice as his arm slackened, as if he expected Ethan to pull away or something but he stayed.

'Back when we were really young, and he was still at large, well it kinda got out that my parents- and me by extension- were evil, killers or something. Tyler went to my primary school, that's why he knows, at least if he still remembers- it's not like I really knew him. Or anyone really- they were all too scared to talk to me, thought my parents were crazy and would go after them I guess'

Ethan got where he was coming from- if you were scared shitless of someone's parents you'd probably be scared of them- but it was so hard to imagine anyone thinking that Mark out of everyone would ever be capable of hurting anyone.

He cleared his throat, and Ethan could hear the strain in it, pressing closer into Mark's side, a small comfort. 'Anyway, they were always out doing who knows what- god knows I don't want to- but one time, I must have been, fuck, five maybe? I woke up in the middle of the night and I could hear someone screaming downstairs.'

 _God_ Ethan had already forgotten that yeah, someone was going to die in this story.

'So naturally, y'know, I went down, peeking through the gaps of the banister, scared I was going to get murdered or something and there was a man in the kitchen. Tied to a chair- now I know they were probably getting information out of him or something but back then I was clueless- just watching, knowing something was wrong, that something god-awful was happening but not really knowing how to stop it.'

Ethan hated this- hated how innocent Mark sounded, hated how parents could do that to their kids, and hated how Mark was the kid it had to happen to. Honestly he was shocked at how caring and devoted Mark had turned out after having to deal with shit like that.

'When they killed him I think it dawned on me and I think I kinda realised what was happening because I grabbed our phone from the hallway table, I don't know, to dial 999 or something but my parents heard me and stopped me.' His voice was so calm it was almost jarring, as if it wasn't him- a completely different person in a completely different lifetime living through the events.

He took a deep breath before continuing, 'God they thought I was so stupid just for that- like a normal kid was meant to just see that and be cool with it or something, but my mum, well she got so mad I'm surprised she didn't kill me herself.' He chuckled sadly, 'They never really warmed to me after that.'

Ethan didn't know what to say, barely aware of the tears running down his cheeks, no doubt the lump in his throat as he tried to speak.

'Back in the hospital...' He trailed off, Mark quickly catching on.

'Yeah.' he paused, 'I'm not exactly the child they had hoped for, you can imagine. They wanted me to be just like them, get into Slytherin, think I was better than everyone else just because I was born into the "right" family- when in reality it was the opposite. I was ashamed of being their son, that's why I never told anyone. And then after I turned sixteen they tried to make me become one of them, 'cause they're still so adamant he'll return. As if after everything I'd suddenly hop on board.' He sounded almost angry now, an unfamiliar resentment present in his tone.

'Anyway, that was the last straw for them, and I think the feeling was kind of mutual- I just wanted to get out of there. So I did.'

He hesitated, obviously taken back, considering his words before continuing. 'I remember the night I left, the beginning of last summer. I'd packed all my stuff, cleaned my room until it looked as though I'd never even been there in the first place. My dad saw me when I reached the bottom of the stairs- he'd just come out of the living room and he stopped for a second, not even surprised by the bag in my hand or anything. He just said "Don't come back." and walked straight past me into the kitchen.'

Indignance wasn't an emotion Ethan was used to, or familiar with, but he felt it swelling in his gut, vile emotions churning in his stomach. Mostly, he just felt hurt- that the universe had twisted and transpired to lead to this.

'So yeah, I don't really miss them.' Ethan could feel every inch of the sad smile in his tone as it cut into him, repulsed by the way Mark was used to feeling like this- like it was no big deal.

Mark spoke up again. 'I just hate how people associated me with that. I hated everything they did- I'd never-'

'I know' he whispered. Ethan reached out, his fingers snaking underneath Mark's thumb in order to grasp his hand, beyond caring what Mark would think, just needing something to show what he was feeling. Mark's warm hand gripped him back, tightening slightly, a soft and silent _thank you_.

'Where did you go?' 

'I found a hostel in London. Got a job to pay it off.'

Ethan frowned, sitting up to look at Mark, hating how the fire in his eyes that was usually fierce and comforting was diminished, embers never as bright as flame could be. 'You can stay at mine. This year. If you want.'

Mark just gave him a watery smile, squeezing his hand tighter.

Ethan rest his head back down, breathing softly as Mark did the same, both of them watching the ever-flowing path of the wind, never ceasing as it rushed through the trees, ebbing as it touched the leaves and twigs, fading into soft vibrations that sounded all around. It was sad to think that soon that snow would melt, bleed into the ground and suddenly the word would fill back up with colour- pale greens and blues signalling another year gone, time no longer frozen by the breathtaking beauty of winter that always seemed to take him back to his fondest memories. Ethan wondered why he found so much comfort in the cold embrace of the snow.

'I know this is sort of off-topic.' Mark spoke, after a while, 'But I was wondering whether you'd want to go to the winter ball. With me.'

Ethan was silent- brain trying its hardest to adjust from zoned out staring to actually having a conversation mode, processing everything infuriatingly slowly.

'Just for fun.' He added, backtracking slightly when Ethan didn't respond, 'As friends, y'know.' 

His brain finally caught up, the whole _oh, that's what he meant_ and _that makes a lot more sense_ kicking in.

'I just thought since I wasn't going with anyone, and I didn't think you were. I mean you could be- if you are that's fine, not that I _want_ you to be going with someone I just thought-'

'Yeah' Ethan cut him off quietly, 'That would be nice.'

He tried to ignore the dread he could feel, already knowing that it probably wouldn't be that nice, everything so close to all he wanted but not quite there- in a way that would probably make him want it more than he ever has, the feeling of _god, I want this for the rest of my life_ a little too strong for comfort, as that being a reality was just so out of his reach.

He guessed it would be better than Mark going with someone else, though. He could spare himself that pain, for now, knowing he'd have to face it eventually. He sighed, letting himself relax into Mark while he still could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I may have got carried away there- this was almost double the length of a normal chapter oops. For future reference- do you guys prefer less longer chapters or more shorter chapters? Previously if they had been getting too long I would split them but this one wasn't a very good one to split. Either way, I really hope you enjoyed this update, I know a lot was revealed so let me know what you think! It's sad that we're coming close to the end of the book :( but the best parts are still to come! Also, any ideas for my next fic would be appreciated- I was thinking of doing a spy au (I saw a oneshot on here a while ago and I thought it was an interesting idea), but I've never written anything like that before so let me know your thoughts on that <3


	15. Chapter 15

It was Sunday and Ethan was already late. Studying in the library had got him a little distracted- not really noticing the slow emptying of the large room until he glanced at the ancient, annoyingly loud clock mounted on the wall and cursed. Fumbling to gather up his books, the librarian gave him a stern glance at the noise he was making- not that there were many people around for him to disturb as the library was mainly only used by the upper years. He honestly didn't know how he'd lost track of time- the ball that evening (well actually, starting right now) hadn't left his mind all week, stomaching bubbling with anticipation in both excitement and dread. He hoped, that out of any night, this wouldn't be the one where Mark noticed how Ethan tended to stare at him a little too long, or blush whenever they were within two inches of each other, but he'd managed to be pretty oblivious so far.

When he rushed into his dorm, he was surprised to find Noah still there, leaned over his bed to tie his shoes. Ethan had always admired Noah's outgoing-ness, especially when it came to clothes- he was wearing a deep green suit that was subtly floral, pinks and golds peeking out between the detail, with a white shirt and matching tie, the colours definitely well picked to make his eyes glow like emeralds. Those same eyes rolled as Noah spotted him, slightly out of breath, in the doorway.

'Let me guess,' he mocked, 'you want me to wait for you?'

Ethan flashed him a cheeky grin, 'You love me really.'

'Fine.' He sighed, finishing with his shoes and standing up. Ethan didn't think he'd ever seen Noah's wild curls so tamed before, purposefully styled away from his face in a way that still didn't take away from his somewhat unruly personality.

Ethan quickly stripped off his robes, making his way over to his cupboard where his clothes were hanging. His outfit was a little more subdued than Noah's, just a plain blue suit and creamy white shirt- the formality of the event wasn't enough to require any sort of tie and _god_ was Ethan sick enough of wearing one for school- buttoning his shirt as Noah followed him into the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub as Ethan began the process of fixing the mess on his head.

'You exited?' Ethan asked, glancing at Noah behind him through the mirror.

Noah beamed in return, unable to hold back his excitement, 'Yeah, I can't wait to see Isla- we _may_ have attempted to coordinate our outfits.'

He laughed. 'Ugh, you two are _so_ one of those cheesy couples,' he saw Noah roll his eyes, still unable to wipe the grin off his face, 'It's cute though.'

'What about you, huh? Anyone _you're_ looking forward to seeing?' His grin turned cheeky, ignoring the look Ethan gave him.

Ethan blushed, hands still fiddling with his hair. 'Shut up.'

'God, can you two just kiss already? I'm bored.' Ethan glared at him again, an attempt to wipe the amusement off his face but it didn't work. It's not like he didn't _want_ to.

'You know, some of us value our friendships.' He joked, finally finishing and turning to face Noah.

'Wow, ok. Love you too.'

-

It didn't take them- well, Ethan- that long to get ready, not wanting to miss the start of the night.

The hall was somehow tinted blue, even through the warm light cast by the candle-lit chandeliers, the luminescence radiating from everywhere so breathtakingly that he could almost think that they were in space, surrounded by brightly burning stars. Even though it was early in the night, glorious spectra of colours and textures of dresses and suits whizzed around, following orbits as they danced and sparkled like sequins, even the shadows they cast mesmerizing to watch, like smoke flickering from a flame. The exhilaration was tangible, tingling his tongue in anticipation as he took in the sight before him.

Tilting his head up he could see that the ceiling had been replaced by sky, azure-tinted grey speckled with white as snowflakes flitted down, melting into the air a few metres above his head. Even the moisture that hung in the air, the faint waft perfectly replicating that of winter, flawlessly recreating the dizzying feeling of being surrounded by snow and ice.

As he stepped further in, the music grew in intensity- a string quartet providing it- submerging the room in a sound sweet and thick like honey, the different instruments swirling together as one, living and breathing and growing into something new. He spotted Finn with them, catching his eye and waving after the piece drew to a close- a long, sustained chord dying out into the laughter that filled the room. Finn spared him a quick grin before fiddling with the sheet music on his stand, preparing for the next piece.

Ethan remembered the time he'd walked in on Finn practicing his violin, just sitting there and listening for a while before Finn offered him a go. He'd been a little reluctant, at first, mainly just because he was terrified of dropping or breaking such a fragile looking instrument, but Finn had quickly reassured him, helping it up onto his shoulder, instructing him how to hold it, where to put his hands, arms, etc. He didn't remember much of what he said but he certainly remembered the first time the bow touched the string- a horrible screeching, nails-on-a-chalkboard kind of sound, the weight, position and pressure so wrong and unfamiliar, like riding a bike with your feet tied together. 

He guessed that maybe someone could feel like that learning any instrument, but with piano you were just pressing down keys- not that it was easy, just a little more favorable to beginners, he'd found. Either way, it'd definitely given him an appreciation for other instruments- especially after 10 minutes when he sounded almost as much like a dying cat as when he started, giving up and handing the violin back to Finn who quickly resumed his practice, playing some impressively complex piece like it was as easy as breathing.

Noah broke him out of his thoughts, 'I'm going to go find Isla, see you later?'

'Yeah, good luck.' He replied distractedly, still trying to take everything in.

A tap on his shoulder a few seconds later had him turning round, having to consciously clench his jaw to stop it from falling open when Mark was right there, smiling down at him. He was in all-black- obviously also opting for the no-tie option, as the top button of his shirt was undone and had Ethan staring for probably a bit too long- although this boy could look hot as hell in a trash bag, Ethan would be lying if he said that dressed-up Mark wasn't sending his head spinning. He glanced back up and noticed that Mark's cheeks were tinged pink, which yeah, to be fair, most people's would be if one of their best friends was just blatantly checking them out.

Ethan blushed at the realisation, looking down before looking back up again, afraid that if he kept eye contact too long he wouldn't be able to stop himself from grabbing him and smashing their mouths together and _god_ some self control would be really good right now.

Even in the sharpness of his suit, the inky black contrasting nicely to his tanned skin, dark hair- messy in a cool way, Ethan thought, as cheesy as it was- couldn't overpower the softness in his eyes, the way he looked at Ethan with such sincerity and fondness that it made his stomach do somersaults.

Ethan was the first to break the silence, noticing that it had been a little too long, 'All black? What, are you a spy or something?'

Mark grinned goofily, 'Not all black!' He lifted his leg slightly so that the hem of his trousers raised an inch, showcasing the bright red socks he had on underneath.

'Wow ok, you got me there. Really embracing the whole colour thing.' 

Mark scoffed in mock offense, 'Oh I'm sorry Mr. Rainbow. Didn't think you knew that there was more than one colour.' He tilted his head playfully, 'I mean come on. Blue is basically just _fancy_ grey.'

'Hey! I thought you liked blue. _You said_ blue was my colour.' His tone was joking, but his heart thudded at his forwardness.

Mark rolled his eyes, smiling fondly at him, 'Fine, you win. Let's go find a table.'

A few of his friends were already at one- Ethan taking a seat with Noah and Isla to his left and Mark, followed by Tyler and Kathryn to his right. The two had come together- as friends _obviously_ \- they were so platonic that it was laughable to imagine them together. Not that him and Mark weren't the same, it was just different- Tyler and Kathryn acted like brother and sister, and him and Mark, well, _didn't_. Fuck, Ethan didn't even know, it was probably just him hopelessly crushing on Mark that made it different if he was honest.

The table was dotted with food, although small food, like appetisers and stuff- Ethan hoped there would be more substantial dishes to come later- with what he guessed was champagne to go with it. Ethan sipped at it while Noah introduced Isla to the table, her giggling as he put his arm around her playfully - _god they were so cute_ \- her sharp eyes brimming with mischief, and Ethan could already tell she was going to fit right in. He had to admit she was very pretty- chocolate hair spun intricately into a bun-thing he couldn't even imagine being able to do himself, strands falling and framing the sides of her face, and her dress- emerald green detailed with lace and pretty flowers, and this soft, mesh kind of fabric Ethan certainly didn't know the name of but it was beautiful. If Ethan were into girls he would consider dating her himself.

Distracted, Ethan zoned in again when Noah was introducing everyone else to her this time, and she glanced between him and Mark, a question forming on her lips. 'Are you two...' she gestured between them with her hand, 'y'know?'

Ethan choked slightly on his drink when he realised what she was asking, coughing a few times to soothe his burning throat before fumbling a response out.

'No, no, we're just friends.' His cheeks were burning, hoping the embarrassment wasn't seeping into his voice.

He heard Mark chuckle nervously beside him, not daring to look at him, as he mumbled a quick 'Yeah.'

Ethan was thankful when Tyler swiftly picked up the stilted conversation, making a comment on the decorations or something, Ethan wasn't really paying attention.

He saw Noah whisper something to Isla, her giggling and looking over at him and Mark.

'Hey, you better not be talking shit about me.' Ethan joked, although curious as to what Noah was telling her.

'No, I wouldn't dare.' He replied sarcastically, sipping his drink through the evil grin on his face.

Ethan glared at him playfully, turning to face the others and attempt to join the conversation.

'I like your suit, Tyler.' He did- it was blue, but lighter than Ethan's and checkered with white lines, reminding him of the way sea foamed as the waves crashed- just the right colours.

'Thanks, I like your suit too, blue suits you.' Tyler smiled softly at him.

Ethan felt the back of Mark's hand brush his shoulder as he rested his arm on the back of his seat, 'Yeah, that's what I said to him.' His tone was innocent, and Ethan was beginning to believe that it was impossible for this guy to be any sort of mean, but that didn't stop his words coming of as somewhat harsh. Ethan shot him a confused look but he didn't notice, still looking at Tyler.

Tyler's eyes didn't waver from Mark's. 'Well it's true.'

Ethan was so confused, glancing at the others to confirm that they were just as surprised. 

Mark turned to him, finally, 'I'm going to go get a drink, you wanna come?'

Ethan nodded, ignoring the fact that they already had drinks at the table, standing up after him. As Mark started towards the crowd, Ethan instinctively grabbed his hand so he could follow behind, immediately filling with regret when he realised his actions- he was never sure how far he could safely go with Mark, never wanting to make him uncomfortable but also wanting to reciprocate his acts of affection, show how much he cared. Mark didn't seem to mind it though, glancing back to check on him and giving his hand a quick squeeze. He brushed past a few people on the way, most not noticing him and more focused on their dancing, but he eventually made it to a bar-like set up he hadn't noticed before, although it only had a few low-alcohol options and then water. 

Ethan leaned his forearm on the bar, watching Mark with interest as he ran a hand through his hair, messing it before speaking, 'Do you like him? Tyler?'

He paused, still confused, 'Well yeah, he's one of my friends. Not more than that though.' Mark was looking away, in the direction they had just come and Ethan frowned, 'Why? I- _ohh._ '

Mark's eyes shot back to his, and Ethan just grinned teasingly, ' _You don't like him_.' He stated.

Mark didn't say anything, but his expression gave away everything, looking as though he was trying to come up with a good response.

'Oh my god! You don't like him!' Ethan's voice rose slightly in excitement- he felt like he should be annoyed but he really wasn't. 'I can't believe this- I've never seen you not like someone. That's so funny.' He hesitated, tone changing slightly, 'Look I know you guys have history or whatever, but he's a good guy, really.'

'Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. He's your friend- I know you care about him.' He took a breath, 'I'm sorry.'

He rolled his eyes fondly, ' _God_ you're so good it makes the rest of us look bad. It's cute.'

Mark blushed, eyes flitting over Ethan's face quickly before down at the bar.

They had both left their jackets at the table, sleeves rolled up in the heat of the room- even though it was still winter, all the dancing and people packed close together quickly made it feel the opposite- and he could see Mark's bracelet, twinkling in the light, heart warming at the fact that it was just a permanent part of his look now- and god would Ethan do anything to be a permanent part of this man's life, would be happy to spend every moment of his if that was what Mark wanted. He ignored the pang in his chest thinking about how it wasn't.

'Hey, you two.' He turned to see Sean saunter over, slapping his hands playfully on both of their shoulders. He'd gone a little more formal than the both of them- white suit and black bow tie, and looking a little tipsy already if Ethan was honest. 'Was wondering where you'd got to- I assumed you'd gone to make out or something.'

Ethan flushed, looking away. He wished people would stop joking about that- pretty soon Mark was going to catch on. Thankfully Mark excused himself, opting not to reply to Sean, instead going to talk to a small group of guys Ethan recognised from the quidditch team, who were waving him over- _good timing,_ Ethan thought.

Sean took his place, leaning back onto his elbows on the bar and looking out into the crowd. 'Have you seen Mia before?' Sean asked, glancing over at him.

'Louis' date? No, where are they?'

Sean gestured with his eyes to some people near the musicians- and it didn't take Ethan long to spot him, looking his usual unusual self in a deep purple velvet suit.

'Wow, he really didn't hold back, did he?' Sean hummed bemusedly in response and Ethan's eyes drifted over to the girl he was dancing with- Mia, he assumed- who had bold colours of her own, eyes brushed with pinks and reds, her eyes dark but cheerful, too far away for Ethan to identify the colour, and her hair twirled around her as she spun, soft burgundy waves bouncing with her movements.

'It's funny,' Sean continued, taking a sip of his drink, sounding a little more subdued than usual whilst he watched them just the same, 'They've had this whole will-they-won't-they thing going on for years, never would have thought I'd see the day they actually did something about it. I think they make each other happy, though.'

Sean had a weird look in his eye, _longing_ almost, if Ethan didn't know any better. Ethan wondered where his partner was, guessing he just wanted to dance.

'What about you, who are you here with?'

'Oh just this girl from my Arithmancy class, Lina.' He sighed, tilting his head back to finish off his glass before going to pour another.

'You don't like her?' Ethan questioned, not wanting to pry.

'Eh.' He made a face, 'Not bothered about her- the feeling's mutual though. I'm pretty sure she wanted to ask Mark, but settled for me instead.'

'Hey!' Ethan swatted his arm jokingly, 'Don't say that. You're an absolute _steal_.'

Sean smirked back at him, before his eyes flickered back to watching Louis and Mia.

'You aren't interested in anyone then?' Ethan wondered.

'Nope.' He replied simply, popping the p halfheartedly. Ethan didn't push it.

He fiddled with his own glass, finger tracing the rim before speaking up again, 'What about Mark? I mean, did anyone ask him?'

Sean looked back at him, amused, 'No, no one bothered asking him.'

'Why not?' He frowned, 'He's on the quidditch team, and he's not exactly unattractive. It's surprising no one would ask.'

'Not really.' Sean paused, eyes finding Mark in the crowd, who was just finished up his conversation and making his way back over. 'It's kind of obvious that he's... emotionally unavailable.'

Ethan shot him a confused glance. _What's that supposed to mean?_

Sean rolled his eyes, sighing. 'God, you're such a dimwit sometimes.'

'Why are you a dimwit?' Ethan jumped a little as Mark was right beside him, the scent of whatever cologne he'd used making him a little light-headed, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

'Annnd that's my clue to leave.' Sean stated, giving one last smirk at Ethan before leaving. Mark shot him a questioning look but Ethan just shook his head.

-

It was later in the night- he could just about see the moon through the frosted windows- when he found himself by Finn, who'd just finished his 'shift' and both of them were flopped into chairs watching the dancing in front of them. Ethan still managed to be tired, even though he'd only danced once- after Kathryn had forced him onto the floor, prying him away from Mark much to his own reluctance. It was fun though, Ethan couldn't deny, getting a chance to goof around with Kathryn, but now he'd lost Mark, and he was definitely not sulking and unfairly blaming her for that.

Their conversation progressed in pieces, for the most part a comfortable silence between them, as much like Ethan, Finn was the kind of guy who easily got lost in thought. A pianist had come to replace the exhausted quartet players, playing some sort of cheesy slow dance song Ethan pitied because he knew he would get bored out of his mind playing it. The dance floor, if you could call it that, was contrastingly chaotic- a mixture of people slowly swaying to the music and couples still dancing like it was their last night alive, twirling and jumping with a vigor that made Ethan giggle, obnoxiously clashing with the soft piano music. Even just watching them made him tired, wondering how anyone could have the energy.

'Eth!' The immediately recognisable voice sent butterflies to his stomach, sitting up in a knee-jerk kind of reaction and looking around for the source. Mark squeezed his way out of the crowd, smiling back at him, teeth catching the light and reaching out his hand.

'May I have this dance?' He spoke smoothly, dripping with faux seriousness, eyes sparkling.

Ethan blushed, managing to tear his gaze away to look at Finn guiltily, who just waved his hand dismissively, mumbling a 'have fun.'

He reached out and let Mark pull him up, grabbing both his hands to steady him.

'My turn,' he spoke lowly, bringing up Ethan's hands so that they rested on his neck before releasing them, moving his own to hold, gently but firm, onto Ethan's waist. Just that alone was enough to send Ethan's mind spinning, sides tingling where he could feel Mark's warm hands, so dizzyingly close that his brain was short circuiting, heart racing furiously at their proximity, completely out of control to hide the way he just stared into Mark's eyes, fiery and soft and dangerously addictive. He could smell him- the mixture of scents that combined to make Mark's familiar one surrounding him in a way that did nothing to calm him down but he almost felt like he didn't want to- completely and utterly lost to his feelings but enjoying every second of it.

They swayed softly to the rhythm, occasionally moving to accommodate another pair whooshing by, but mainly remaining in the same spot, talking about whatever came to mind. Mark looked devastatingly gorgeous- no different from usual, Ethan thought- his hair slightly ruffled from the events of the night, falling carelessly on the sides of his face, eyes never leaving his as his hands gently guided Ethan, which was good because he was far too distracted to do it himself. He listened intently as Mark spoke, fingers fiddling with the hair at the nape of Mark's neck, gaze flickering between his eyes, nose, mouth, not so subtly admiring the way his skin glowed in the light, eyes glistening with the shadows and silhouettes of everyone around them, reading the fondness there easily, a language he'd been perfecting ever since he met Mark- and even through all his complicated feelings he was still so grateful to have met him, to be close enough to know what he was thinking feeling, and actually be a part of his life. 

Suddenly the snow was falling lower than it had before, drifting down to land on them before slowly fading away, the lack of coldness as a snowflake landed on his face reminding him that it wasn't real, only magic, but _god_ if it wasn't still perfect, the sounds of people laughing and admiring the snow around him dying to his ears, distant as if underwater- it might as well have been him and Mark alone and he wouldn't even notice, too caught up in the way white flecks dusted his cheeks and nose, twinkling in a way that was to pretty to be real, and ironically the word that came to Ethan's head was _magical_.

Ethan bit his lip nervously at his thoughts, Mark's eyes flickering down in a movement that was not quite fast enough for him not to notice, feeling himself flush as he imagined how easy it would be to lean forward, close the painful distance between them, and _oh fuck_ he had been staring at Mark's mouth far too long now, and when he looked back into his eyes he could tell Mark had definitely noticed because it would be ridiculous to think he wouldn't have when Ethan was just blatantly staring like that, and _shit_ Ethan might have given away too much this time because Mark's cheeks were definitely red and for sure he must know by now, no one is that oblivious and-

Mark's gaze snapped away in a jolt that had him pulling Ethan closer to him, breath hitching as Ethan narrowly avoided a table that would have been real embarrassing to crash into, only an inch apart now and Ethan didn't know how much more he could take.

Mark chuckled nervously, 'Watch yourself.'

Ethan just stared back blankly because _how are you meant to respond to that_ and his brain was certainly not responding to him, going off on all sorts of panicked tangents on its own and the thought was there before he could even stop it, taking him a second to register the words that filled his brain like nothing else did, catching himself just in time to stop them tumbling out of his mouth.

_I love you._

And then immediately after that: _fuck._ _Fuck_ because he couldn't be feeling this, not right now, _fuck_ because the man he wanted to say it to was right in-fucking-front of him and it was far too easy to just let them slip, _fuck_ because the weight of the words was really starting to sink in, and most of all _fuck_ because it made complete sense. _Of course_ he was in love with Mark, it couldn't be any other way- the way his heart fluttered every time he so much as looked at him, that feeling of _god, I want to spend the rest of my life with you_ deep-rooted and ingrained so strongly inside him, and it was so cliché but his smile could fix anything, and Ethan got high of it like nothing else. Sure, he already knew he loved Mark, even remembered the time he'd said it out loud in the hospital just a month ago, but only now he was realising he was _in love_ with Mark and he genuinely didn't know how to feel about it.

Actually no, his brain definitely _did_ know how to feel about it, panic quickly swelling inside of him so fast that he'd be impressed if he didn't feel like he was about to cry or scream or have a heart attack or _all of the above_ at the same time.

'I have to- I'll be right back' he stuttered out, not even looking as Mark as he quickly turned away and just rushed in that direction, not even caring as he banged into people, needing to just get out of there before everything overwhelmed him. Which it already had.

The fresh air hit him once he managed to leave the room, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on a nearby cool wall as he tried to even out his breathing. It was only then he noticed how foggy his brain was, he had assumed it was just Mark but it probably made more sense that it was because he'd had quite a few glasses to drink and still nothing to eat. Either way, the fact that he could finally breathe was sobering, and as his thoughts got clearer they went from panicked to sad.

Sad because he always thought when he fell in love it'd be happy. _Reciprocated_. He'd never expected it to feel like a burden he'd have to carry- a weight heavy on his shoulders, and _fuck_ was it really going to be like this for the rest of his life? He couldn't help feeling he was being a little dramatic but he also couldn't imagine _not_ loving Mark- how was he meant to get over someone who was perfect in every way? Who he loved every little thing about?

Deciding to ignore his thoughts, he walked out of the doorway, a breeze softly blowing through the windows that weren't really windows- just frames that led to outside. He noticed a shadow falling down from one of them, blocking out the weak moonlight.

'Tyler?'

Tyler turned, facing him as he approached carefully, 'Ethan? Wha- have you been crying?'

Ethan brought his hand up to his face, feeling the wetness he hadn't noticed there. Well, there was no use denying it now.

His eyes searched his face, tone changing, 'What happened? Was it Mark? I swear-' 

'No' Ethan mumbled, cutting him off, 'Well, yeah, but no.' He took a seat on the windowsill next to him, 'It wasn't his fault.'

'He's no good for you' he mumbled.

'No.' Ethan asserted, slightly defensive, 'I know what you think about him, but he's not like that, trust me. Tyler, he's so good, he would never hurt anyone-'

'He hurt you.' Tyler replied simply.

'He didn't mean to. It wasn't his fault' Ethan repeated, looking down at his fidgeting hands

Tyler looked up at him, a question on his lips, 'Do you like him?'

Ethan hesitated, but gave in, 'Yeah, but he- he doesn't.' Tyler just listened thoughtfully, 'I know I'm stupid, I shouldn't have let it gone on, it's just I don't know what to do. My feelings just get in the way of everything.'

'There'll be someone else. There's nothing else you can do but move on.' The comment was meant to be reassuring, but it only added to the sting.

'I don't know how. He's _perfect._ '

Tyler paused, 'If he was perfect, he would love you back.'

It was silent for a second before he continued, 'Ethan, you deserve someone who loves you. You deserve so much better than him, please believe me. You don't see it Ethan but I do. I see the way your eyes light up when you're excited about something, or how you smile like you never want to do anything else. I see how much you care about everyone around you, loving unconditionally and without judgment, and the way you give everyone a chance- I love the way you see the good in everyone. It gives me so much hope. You deserve the world, and you deserve someone who can give it to you.' He was looking straight at him now, as if he could read right through him, so much sincerity and _care_ in his voice. He had leaned closer so that they were only a few inches apart, Tyler's hand resting on the side of his face.

'Tyler...' Ethan didn't know how to respond, had never heard anyone say something so _heartfelt_ and sweet to him before, caught between thanking him and hugging him, a grateful smile on his lips.

'God I've wanted to do this for so long' Tyler leaned ever-closer, Ethan's question cut off when he pressed their lips together.

It was so unexpected that Ethan didn't even know how to react. He could taste the salt in his own tears on Tyler's lips, and he was gripping Ethan's face, pulling him closer, pouring so much _love_ into the kiss that Ethan couldn't return. 

He finally came to his senses and pulled back, placing a hand on Tyler's chest to push him away slightly, feeling nauseous and a little choked up because one moment Tyler was being all sweet and caring and the next they were kissing and Ethan didn't even see it coming, had no time to react, frustrated at himself for letting it happen and also so guilty because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Tyler, especially after everything he'd said.

'Tyler I-' his breath caught at the look in Tyler's eyes, as if he'd expected Ethan to push him away, hurt but not surprised as if Ethan had just used him and _oh god_ he couldn't take it why did he just hurt everyone and-

'Eth? What...'

His head whipped around at the sound of Mark's voice, heart tugging at the confusion and innocence and _hurt_ already present on his face. No, no, not now, he couldn't take anymore.

'Oh, _fuck off_ Mark' he turned back to Tyler, surprised at the sudden outburst and could see his fists were white, tense at his side.

' _Tyler!_ ' He felt like he was going to cry, not that he wasn't already, just that he couldn't turn back around and look at Mark because he knew the expression that would be on his face, like stepping on a dog's tail.

'What Ethan? You're just gonna stand there and act like he wasn't the reason you're upset in the first place?' Tyler spat, looking back at him.

'Eth _please,_ I'm so sorry, I don't know-'

'When are you going to realise how much better you deserve, huh? You don't need him, Ethan, come on-'

'Shut the _fuck_ up Tyler.' Ethan had never heard Mark raise his voice before, so much bite and anger that it took him a second to realise it was actually Mark speaking, finally looking at him to see the same emotions swirling in his eyes. 'This isn't about you, you're not a part of this so just _shut up_.'

Tyler's jaw clenched, like there was something he wanted to say but he didn't, just muttered 'Fine,' and walked off, Mark watching him as he did.

When his eyes returned to Ethan's they softened, 'Ethan I-'

'No Mark,' he finally snapped, knowing he shouldn't be taking his pent up emotions out on Mark but not being able to hold back, 'You don't get to play _protective boyfriend_ or whatever because that's not what we are. We're friends, so start fucking acting like it. Got that?' The words felt vile in his mouth but he didn't take them back, running a hand through his hair feverishly as he clenched and clenched his trembling fingers.

When he found the courage to look back up Mark was watching him, and the hurt on his face just about broke Ethan, looking back down pressing his hands into his eyes to distract from the ache in his chest, 'I'm sorry. It's not your fault.'

'No Eth, I'm sorry.' Mark took a shaky breath, 'I didn't realise I was making you uncomfortable. I should have let myself- I-' he swallowed thickly, and Ethan could tell he wasn't crying but the rawness in his voice was so much worse, and he'd never felt so much like pure shit in his life.

He could feel his own tears, however, dripping down onto his neck by now, hating himself for hurting the last person on earth he'd want to. Mark took a step forward, reaching out but was stopped by Ethan's voice.

'Don't. Please just- don't.' He couldn't help the way his voice cracked, seeing Mark nod and lower his hand.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered, and Ethan almost sobbed right then, chest tightening unbearably, 'I didn't mean to- I shouldn't- I'm sorry. But I want to be friends. _Please._ Just _this_ , what we had, is enough for me, a hundred times over Eth, believe me, I'm so sorry but I need you and-' he broke off, 'Just give me a chance, please?'

Ethan didn't look at him, couldn't otherwise he knew he would just break, wouldn't be able to cope, fingernails digging painfully into his palms.

'I- I need to think, please just give me some space to think.' His voice was sore, his throat and eyes and basically his whole body just _aching,_ and he barely got out the last whisper, 'Just go.'

After a pause he heard Mark's footsteps sound, getting further away and he let himself sink against the wall, finally letting himself cry properly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this was a little late! It took a long time because it was so long, and the next few chapters might take longer as well so sorry about that, but I hope it's worth it :) As always, feedback and support is always appreciated, and thank you to all the lovely people reading this <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick warning, there are mentions of blood in this chapter- it's from 1769-2416 words if you want to skip it.

Ethan felt like he had been crying for hours, eyes and throat sore, whole body tired, knees hugged to his chest like a child as if that would help him cope. His back was pressed uncomfortably against the wall, shivering slightly as the air around him was cold and lifeless, the echoes of his sharp breathing in the empty corridor almost mocking. His head was swimming, drowning in his thoughts and tears, choking on his own small sobs.

Part of him was angry at Mark, angry at his stupid face and his stupid hair and his stupid mouth and angry at his actions; the way he’d brush against him when they walked, the way he'd comfort him with a touch, fingers on his arm, his back, could still feel them tingling his skin, hold him close as they danced, and he was angry at the way Mark looked at him like he _meant something_ , the way he smiled and laughed and made Ethan feel warm and content and that he wanted nothing else more. He was angry that he loved him, and that he was helpless to do anything else. But most of all, he was angry because it wasn’t even Mark’s fault- he’d done absolutely nothing except be wholeheartedly and painfully caring, and Ethan was grasping at nothing, fingers clutching at empty air to find something to blame him for.

_I love you._

God, he was so fucking _stupid_ , letting his feelings get in the way like that, letting them hurt other people. He thought that he was a good person, or at least trying to be- not someone who hurt his friends, the people he loved, not the kind of person who was so selfish that they only focused on how _they_ were feeling, how much pain _they_ were in, using that as a pathetic excuse to treat other people like shit. That wasn't who he was. Or at least, that wasn't who he thought he was, but he had obviously become that person tonight. And he hated himself for it, biting down at the disgust that bubbled its way up his throat, burning the back of his mouth with its unpleasant taste.

Maybe he didn't love Mark- how could he when he just stood there, not doing anything while Mark looked at him like he had just slapped him in the face, only to go on and make the situation worse? It only made him cry harder because he knew the first part wasn't true- he loved him, he just couldn't seem to do anything right, always finding a way to let someone down. How could he live with himself when all he did was bring pain to others- who _did_ that? Who would care about someone who couldn't even _love_ properly?

His sister would be disappointed in him, and that stung so much more, he could almost see her eyes filled with betrayal, _she'd thought so much more of him than he was,_ and that cut into him mercilessly, deeper than any knife. He promised her that he would never let anyone else get hurt; fail them the way he had failed her. He should have taken her place, been on the receiving end of that sickening green flash, she wouldn’t have done something like this, wouldn’t have hurt others, wouldn’t have been so _selfish,_ and it made him sick that he couldn’t live up to the life that she deserved to have.

He could feel his eyes running dry, hadn't drunk enough water to sustain the amount of crying he was doing.

The creak of the door he’d come through earlier had him jerking up into standing, following his feet away from whoever had come through, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. He was ashamed that he could just sit there and feel sorry for himself rather than try and fix everything he’d fucked up. He wanted more than anything to go find Mark, talk to him, apologise, but he knew he didn’t have enough control right now, didn’t trust himself to not just make things worse, and in a selfish way, was completely and utterly scared of losing Mark, not sure how to cope with it if he did. He took a deep breath and continued, hoping not to run into anyone.

Tyler was there when he opened the door to the common room, at his feet immediately and rushing over.

‘I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done any of that, god I’m such an asshole, I didn’t mean to get mad, I swear.’

‘It’s ok.’ Ethan's throat was rough from the crying as he fiddled with his fingers, knowing he had so much more to apologise for, trying to find the right words. ‘I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same.’

‘Fuck, it’s ok Ethan- I shouldn’t have expected you to. I knew about, you know, Mark and everything, I was just being stupid. I just want you to be happy.' His eyes bore into Ethan's, 'Honestly.’

 _He wouldn’t care if he knew the real you_ Ethan thought sadly, but just nodded instead. ‘Thanks Tyler.’

Tyler hesitated. ‘I think you should talk to him, y’know. Figure everything out.’

‘Yeah, I will.’ He swallowed, ‘Later. I’m going to bed.’

Tyler nodded, letting him past. His feet felt like lead as he walked.

He flopped onto his bed, staring at the ceiling, too exhausted to cry. He just felt numb. Like he’d had his chance at life and now it was gone, and nothing that good was ever going to happen again. He’d felt the same after his sister died, last time he let someone down, but the universe had obviously decided to give him a second chance. What are the chances of that happening again?

He kicked his shoes off, mustering just enough energy to roll over and pull his covers over his head, not wanting anyone to come in and see his ugly, splotchy red face. _Pathetic-_ it’s not like he was the victim here- the one doing the hurting shouldn’t be the one crying. His throat felt like it was bleeding, constricting and squeezing until it was so much effort just to breathe, as if someone was just tempting him to stop. He felt disgusted at himself for even thinking about it, just another excuse to avoid his problems rather than doing anything about it. He didn’t deserve to avoid the pain he was feeling because that was what he’d done to others.

The next morning was no better, feeling more as though he’d zoned out than slept, and every time he had gained some of his energy back it would just pour out of him as tears, soaking his pillow. When he was done he’d turn over his pillow to the dry side and stare into space and the cycle would begin again. When morning rolled around, he waited for everyone else to leave before daring to get up, mumbling an excuse about being tired to anyone who asked. He felt heavier than ever as he plodded into the bathroom, noticing he looked almost as shit as he felt, dark circles around his eyes and swollen cheeks. He splashed his face with water, an attempt to cool his hot cheeks and hide how bad he’d messed up, taking no rush to get changed, often finding that he’d been staring off into space for a little too long.

He didn’t let himself cry though- not letting himself ruin the face that could just about pass as fine if no one paid too much attention. He was close when he remembered that it was Monday morning and he had potions, but he had already cried about that last night, and he felt twinge of amusement at that.

He was late but he didn’t really care, the corridors beginning to clear as students entered their classrooms, no one paying him much attention as he trudged through.

The wood felt heavy against his hand as he pushed open the dungeon door, greeted with the familiar damp and musty scent, earning a few curious glances from the other students, but nothing more than a glare from Snape.

Reluctantly, he let his eyes meet Mark’s. He looked tired, eyes sunken and slightly red in a way that broke Ethan's heart, quickly glancing away as Ethan moved closer to sit down.

‘Are you ok? I didn’t see you at breakfast this morning.’ Of course Mark had to be concerned, that’s just who he was, but Ethan already wanted to leave, pressing his hands down into his thighs to stop them from quivering.

‘I’m fine.’ He said curtly, quiet enough as to not interrupt Snape's speaking. He announced the page number they were using for the practical today, before dismissing them to get to work.

Ethan quickly began to set up the apparatus, trying to ignore Mark watching him, setting the cauldron on the table before reading the ingredients from his book. The first listed was hemlock, located in the cupboard on the other side of Mark. Great. He turned to him slowly, looking at the desk to avoid his eyes.

'We need hemlock.'

Mark paused before replying, the hope in his voice tugging at Ethan’s heart, ‘Can we talk?’

Ethan blinked, throat tightening, not daring to move his eyes away from the blotchy and chemical stained wood. 'I can't do this right now.' His voice wavered slightly and he cursed at himself in his head.

He saw Mark nod, his hands fidgeting before he went to go fetch it. Ethan rubbed his eyes with his fingers, pressing down to resist the urge to start crying and _did he mention how much he felt like shit?_ He blinked a couple times, waiting for his vision to come back into focus, pausing as black faded into colour.

He reached out for one of the bottles in front of him, pulling off the cork stopper as he retrieved a vial from the stand beside him, and then with his other hand a glass pipette. He could feel his presence as Mark rejoined him, and of course right now his hands would have to be shaking, the sound of trembling glass meeting glass obnoxious and pathetic and embarrassing, and all he could do was will his hand to steady, which obviously didn't work.

'Are you sure you're alright?' Mark's voice was low, concerned, but somehow in Ethan's nervous, disorientated and sleep-deprived brain it morphed into patronising, mocking, and he felt sick at the rise of anger in his gut.

'I said I'm fine.' He snapped, and his movements accentuated his words, the hand he had forgotten was holding a vial coming down on the table in frustration, flinching as it shattered and he felt small fragments of glass embed themselves in his palm.

The room went silent at the sound of breaking glass and Ethan could feel everyone's eyes on him, swallowing anxiously as he drew his hand back, turning it over to see that it glistened in the light, several small shards cutting into his skin in places, blood beading and swelling at the edges. Mark was stock-still beside him, and Ethan could tell he was shocked because normally when someone was hurt Mark was the first one at their side.

Where he expected a lecture from Snape he only got a quiet, 'Go clean yourself up,' thankfully sounding more tired than irritated, and it seemed he didn't have the energy to shout at him.

'Yes sir.' He mumbled, cradling his hand close to his body as he left, quickly bee-lining for the toilets. Except he heard the door reopen behind him and heard Mark curse under his breath behind him, footsteps sounding slightly faster than his as he caught up. He must have asked to go with him.

'Are you ok? Does it hurt? We can-' Mark reached his hand out to catch Ethan's wrist but he flinched away, walking faster.

'I'm fine.' Ethan repeated, and it came out a little harsher than he meant to.

Mark fell silent, following him into the bathroom.

He let his hand rest on the edge of the sink as he began roughly pulling the little splinters of glass out, almost sadistically because he was so angry at himself, enjoying the small distraction it brought him. The fractured glass made little clinks as they dropped onto the porcelain sink, some with little beads of red. He saw Mark wince and take a step forward, hesitant, before stopping himself.

'Eth please, be gentle, you're hurt enough already-'

'I said _I'm fine._ ' Ethan cut him off, fists clenching automatically and grimacing as a sharp pain shot up his arm, the glass lodging deeper into his palm.

Mark was at his side immediately, holding his good arm to halt his movements, and he was already too close, looking down at him with eyes full of hurt but determination and it made Ethan want to cry, knowing he was probably the worst person on earth for doing this to him.

'Look, I know you're mad but I don't care.' His eyes flickered between his searchingly, pleading, 'Let me help you. Please, if you care _at all_ just let me do this.'

Ethan swallowed thickly, looking away and down at the sink so Mark didn't see his eyes welling. He nodded.

Mark held his wrist gently, the other hand being so much more careful than Ethan had, gingerly picking out the smaller pieces first. Ethan flinched slightly as his hand brushed one of the larger shards, Mark muttering an apology as he cautiously tried to dislodge it.

'I'm not mad.' It was so quiet, voice barely above a whisper, and if they weren't so close he would be worried about Mark not hearing him.

He paused his motions, thinking for a second before continuing. 'Then why?'

His voice was low, but not smooth- broken and hoarse and so _soft_ that Ethan could feel the painful lump growing in his throat, a couple tears escaping from the corners of his eyes and burning his skin, glad Mark was too focused on his hand to see them. He didn't respond.

Mark finished the last couple pieces and turned on the tap, tenderly guiding his hand under the weak stream, Ethan watching the red-tinted water swirl down the drain. He grabbed a paper towel, pressing it to Ethan's palm gently, his other hand steadying the back.

Finally, he looked back up at Ethan, and one of his hands reached up, as if to brush away his tears, but stopped, falling back to his side slowly.

'I _can't_ do this Eth, I don't understand. It's not been a day and I fucking miss you like crazy.' Ethan tried to look away but he couldn't, caught in the way Mark was looking at him, like _he_ was the one that had to apologise rather than Ethan, 'I miss talking to you, being with you, being able to fucking _care about you_ without you pushing me away. I miss your smile, and your laugh, and I hate this. I hate this so much, god _please_ just _talk_ to me Eth.'

Ethan didn't know what to say, just looking helplessly back at him, mouth opening to speak but no words coming out.

'I know you're hurt, please just tell me what's going on. I need to know what's wrong so I can help, I want to help-' He placed his hand on the small his back and it was meant to be comforting but instead it had Ethan moving away, stepping back as if he'd been burned.

His eyebrows drew together, his voice cracking as he spoke. 'It's _this_ Mark- I can't do this. You're my friend and I don't want to give that up but- but it _hurts_ that it's only that. Because every time I see you I want to be near you and every time we talk I don't want to stop,' He paused, tears dripping down his neck now, 'And every time you look at me I just want to kiss you. I don't want to but I can't help it. I can't pretend that I don't want _more_.' His voice quietened down to a whisper, not looking Mark in the eyes, 'I'm sorry.'

He could feel Mark looking at him, eyes burning into the top of his head but he couldn't look back, didn't want his heart to break at seeing Mark's face. He saw him move towards him and took a step back instinctively, but was met with his back against the wall, looking up finally to see Mark right in front of him, his gaze intense, and maybe it was his fogged-up brain but for once Ethan couldn't tell what he was thinking.

And then Mark's hands were on the sides of his robes, tugging him closer and time seemed to stop when their lips connected. It was hungry, desperate, months of unsaid words finally coming to light and Mark's lips were warm, soft against his, Ethan's brain short-circuiting as Mark pressed against him so hard he wasn't sure he could breathe but he didn't care, hands moving to grip the sides of Mark's neck, pulling him impossibly closer because he didn't want anything else, ever. The small gaps left as they parted to breathe were quickly swallowed up, Mark's lips too addicting to go more than a second without, everything about him overloading Ethan's senses, and hand moving up to the back of Mark's head, fingers tangling in his hair, stinging slightly from the movement but he barely noticed. Mark's hands moved down, pushing up the sides of Ethan's jumper as he gripped his hips over his shirt, holding him as if he were afraid he would lose him. _God_ he needed him so much closer.

Mark pulled back so that their lips were a centimetre apart, Ethan opening his eyes, mind lagging as he just stared at Mark's mouth that was letting out quick, jittery breaths, the mouth _he had been kissing just seconds ago_ and finally he came to his senses and looked up, Mark just watching him, eyes dark and fiery in a way that sent jolts of electricity down Ethan's spine.

Mark's lips were so close to touching his when he spoke, unthinkingly, the words whispered only to him.

'I love you.'

Mark's eyes flickered between his, unsure and _god_ Ethan almost didn't respond because it seemed unreal that the words he thought he'd die before hearing were just pouring out of Mark's mouth, so much sincerity and love and _trust_ behind them that he didn't doubt them for a second.

'I love you too.' He breathed out, almost relieved when they were kissing again because somehow over the seconds they had been apart he had manged to miss it more than air, the dizzying feeling of finally being able to pour out his emotions into Mark, _who loved him,_ as his brain kept chanting, unable to think of anything else.

He felt Mark's tongue swipe his lower lip and his mouth parted, tongues tangling together with so much ferocity and passion Ethan wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to stand, knees feeling weak and too unsteady to hold his weight. The intensity of it all was overwhelming, Mark's frame leaning into his, kissing him again and again and again as if he couldn't get enough and _god_ if Ethan didn't feel the same, knowing he would never be able to get enough of this.

Fuck Mark was everywhere- his breath on his lips, his rough hands on his waist, cheeks, pressing against his chest, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt and _surely_ this couldn't be real, things like this only happened in movies, in dreams, but _shit_ if this wasn't real-life then he never wanted to go back, as nothing could ever live up to this.

A crash from a nearby classroom had them finally pulling apart, Ethan leaning back against the wall so that he didn't fall over, and by the look on his face he could tell that Mark's brain was having a hard time catching up too.

'We have to get back to class' Ethan fumbled out, breathing still heavy, suddenly realising that they had been gone a probably suspiciously long amount of time.

'Shit, yeah.' Mark said, half-distracted. He ran a hand through his mussed hair to calm it down, make it look like he hadn't just been making out with his best friend in the toilets for however long, and Ethan felt a twinge of pride at the messiness because _fuck, he had done that._

He straightened out himself, smoothing down his uniform and slowing down his breathing, willing himself to cool down because he was sure he was red all over. He glanced over at Mark, whose lips were swollen in a way that hopefully no one would notice unless the were looking for it, looking back at him just the same, taking him in like he was worried he wouldn't be able to again.

They walked back through the corridors in silence, Ethan wanting nothing more than to push Mark against a wall and continue where they'd left off but knowing that that probably wasn't smart in the middle of the school when they had already been missing from their lesson a little too long, and he was worried that if he turned to look at Mark he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

So he forced himself to keep looking forward, the residue feeling of Mark leaving his lips tingling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a while to write so hopefully you guys like it! A little angsty at the start but hopefully the end makes up for it ;) I'm really sad that this book is coming to an end but I have some good ideas for the spy au I've been planning next- I haven't got a solid plot yet but I have some characters and scenes in my head, so hopefully that will be coming out soon! Anyway, thank you so much for reading, I hope everyone is doing well <3


	17. Chapter 17

Snape's somewhat strange mood worked to their advantage in this situation, only telling them to hurry up and finish their potion by the end of the lesson as they returned to the classroom.

They got back to work quickly, efficiently, Mark chopping up and preparing the solid ingredients whilst Ethan measured out the liquids, subtly avoiding eye contact and each others paths as they maneuvered around the room. Ethan probably should have used the time to think, but unsurprisingly his brain wasn't really cooperating in that moment, thousands of thoughts racing through his mind, far too fast to be doing anything productive. It also wasn't doing much to stop him from getting distracted, remembering every second of what had happened just minutes ago in such vivid detail, like a movie he could pause, rewind, and play. He often found that he'd halted, unaware, halfway though a task just lost in his thoughts. Regardless, it was not long until their cauldron was bubbling away, surprisingly not far back from the others in the class.

'How's your hand?' It was the first thing Mark had said to him since they'd returned, sounding slightly hesitant, and Ethan turned to him, failing to resist a quick glance down to his mouth as he spoke. Mark blushed.

'Uhh...' His mind was racing to figure out what Mark had asked him, and if his mind wasn't distracted before it certainly was now, a little preoccupied by the fact that _he had fucking kissed Mark_ and _it was the best thing ever,_ and thankfully his body had kicked into autopilot when preparing the potion but unfortunately this part required thought, and in this current second his brain and coherent thoughts didn't seem to get along.

'Yeah, yeah it's good.' He finally fumbled out, holding it up so he could check it himself. It was slightly red, and the places that had kept bleeding had begun to clot neatly, pain died down to a dull throb he could easily ignore. Something he could not ignore was the way Mark took his hand gently, pulling it closer so he could examine it, his fingers soft and kind as they traced the tender areas.

'Please don't do that again.' Mark half-joked, a hint of a smile on his face, and Ethan hadn't realised how much he missed it.

'Sorry' Ethan mumbled, his mind not very helpfully urging him to just lean forward and kiss him, show Mark how sorry he was and how he never wanted to hurt him, but thankfully his common sense held him back.

Mark seemed to notice, or feel the same, because he let out a reluctant sigh, 'We really need to talk.'

'Yeah, we do.' Ethan's heart fluttered nervously, suddenly unsure about where they stood. Sure, they had just made out and professed their love for each other in a bathroom but where did that leave them? What if Mark was having second thoughts? What if he was lying when he said _I love you_? Maybe he didn't want a relationship, or was just testing the waters or something, experimenting. Or maybe he was straight. _Why the fuck would he kiss you if he was straight you fucking idiot?_

It was relieving to see the same apprehension mirrored in Mark's expression, glancing between his eyes as if to try and figure him out.

A voice from the other side of the table broke him out of his thoughts, 'You guys were gone for _ages_ , what were you up to in that bathroom?'

It belonged to a girl, Sarah, if Ethan could remember correctly, and it was so obviously a joke, the fact accentuated by her chuckle afterwards but it was enough to heat up Ethan's cheeks, turning away from Mark to busy himself checking on their potion.

'Oh y'know,' He heard Mark say from beside him, 'We just took our time.'

She just laughed, completely oblivious to the twinge of amusement in Mark's tone, and Ethan felt Mark's fingers brush past the small of his back, too quick for anyone else to notice, a small motion that sent his heart racing at an unfair speed.

'Who wouldn't?' Sarah replied, thankfully getting back to her own work.

It felt like the longest wait of Ethan's life, watching the clock tick away until the end of the lesson, and it was only when they left the lesson that Ethan realised that he had Alchemy next, and fuck, before today he was completely fine with not seeing Mark for an hour, but right now he'd never felt so unable to be separated from Mark for, and on today of all days that was the last thing he wanted to happen. There were way more important things he wanted to do.

Before he could even think he was being pulled to the side of the hallway, out of the way of the crowds converging to their next lesson, looking up at Mark when he spoke low enough for no one else to hear.

'Would it be bad if we skipped class?'

Ethan's heart pounded, unable to think straight when Mark was looking at him like that- like he wanted to kiss him until his lips bled. Ethan shook his head, rummaging his brain for words that weren't just _please._

'I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway.' He said truthfully.

Mark grinned in that way he did that always sent butterflies to Ethan's stomach, grabbing his hand to tug him through the corridor. He didn't know where he was going, only that it was the opposite direction to his class, and when he brushed past a confused looking Noah and Kathryn, shooting questioning looks at him and Mark, he only had time to smile as a halfhearted explanation before he was being pulled away. He could only imagine what they were thinking, seeing the two of them holding hands, grinning like idiots no doubt.

One benefit of being at a school so huge you would never have a chance of learning the map, was that there was always an empty classroom when you needed one.

Ethan was backed against the heavy wooden door as soon as he entered, Mark's hand resting above his shoulder to close it, and he felt his breath hitch in his throat as Mark's face was only inches from his.

'Can I kiss you again?' His eyes flickered between Ethan's, the question hanging heavy on his lips, looking almost nervous as if this wasn't everything Ethan wanted.

This time it was Ethan pulling Mark closer, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt to tug him in, mouths reconnecting in a way that sent jolts down Ethan's spine. The desperation was still there but it was sweeter this time, savouring almost, Mark's hands reaching up and cupping his face, letting his tongue brush against Ethan's, fingers tightening around his jaw, and _fuck_ , Ethan could do nothing else but melt into his touch. He couldn't decide whether this was better than the first time.

'Thought you said we needed to talk.' He breathed out when they pulled away for air, and Ethan was starting to get annoyed at his dependency on it. Kissing Mark was a lot higher on his priorities list.

'Yeah well that's kind of hard when this is also an option.' Mark murmured, diving right back in as one of his hands moved to cradle the back of his head, fisting into his hair. It was fierce, and _electric_ but also gentle and sweet, and so just fucking _Mark_ that Ethan loved every second of it- the way Mark held him like he was going to disappear any second, like he couldn't get enough of him, and _fuck_ he never wanted it to end. 

God it was so cheesy but it felt like fireworks were going off, and to be fair Ethan didn't think he'd notice if they were, wouldn't notice if the school had suddenly caught fire and everyone around was panicking, knowing that if he died right now at least he'd be completely content. It felt like he was _feeling-_ seeing, touching, hearing- for the first time, and although his mind was dead to the world- unable to think of anything except Mark; his fingers, his mouth, how he felt pressed against him- he'd never felt more _alive._

Gradually, the kiss softened, sweetened, quick to slow, movements became more careful, loving, tender- both of them realising they had time to make the most of this.

'How long?' Ethan mumbled against his lips.

He hummed in question and pulled back, the fire in his eyes igniting storms of flames in Ethan's stomach, singing his skin and he could feel every inch of them that was in contact.

'When did you start liking me?' The words were slightly jumbled around his heavy breathing, and he would normally guess it was due to his fitness level, or lack of, but Mark's was just the same, and his hand pressed flat against his chest could feel his heart thudding too, reassuring.

Mark blushed, his cheeks tinging pink adorably as he pressing a light kiss on the side of his mouth, thinking. 'Well when I first saw you I was interested,' another, just below his jawbone, 'because you were adorable and _insanely_ attractive.' He chuckled this time, breath hot against his neck as he brushed his lips ever-so-softly there too. 'And the rest kind of followed on from there.'

Ethan let out a shaky breath as Mark lifted his head to look right back at him, looking devastatingly irresistible with his flushed face and slightly swollen lips, close enough for Ethan to feel the warmth radiating off him. 'You mean we could have been doing this the entire time?'

'Maybe if you weren't so oblivious...' Mark smirked, gaze dropping down to Ethan's mouth, and Ethan should probably be used to it by now but he certainly wasn't.

'Says you.' He teased, and was about to say something else mocking but Mark shut him up with his lips against his again, Ethan breathing out a sigh of relief he didn't know he was holding, arms wrapping around Mark's neck.

'Fuck I can't believe this is real,' he whispered lazily against Ethan's lips, eyes peeking open slightly to watch him.

'I sure hope it is.' He giggled, pressing a kiss to the tip of Mark's nose.

'If it's a dream I sure as hell don't want to wake up.'

Ethan felt like he'd never agreed with a sentence more.

After a while Mark spoke up again. 'We really need to talk.'

Ethan hummed in response, kissing him again.

'You really aren't helping.' Mark continued, although it wasn't like he wasn't kissing him back.

Ethan giggled, 'Fine.' He pushed Mark back until he was an arms length away, in an impressive act of self control he really didn't know he had, pushing him down onto a bench before taking a seat on the other side, a table between them. 'Maybe that will help,' he chuckled.

Both of them sat in silence for a second, catching their breath for a second before Mark spoke up.

'Wow.' He breathed out.

'Yeah.'

'So um, talking.'

Ethan nodded. Fuck, if he didn't have butterflies in his stomach before, he definitely did now.

Mark looked nervous, hands fiddling above the tables, 'Do you, y'know, want to be a thing? Like officially?'

Ethan hesitated, holding himself back, 'If you do.'

'I do.' _Oh thank fuck._

'Then I do.' Ethan couldn't help the beam that took over his face, because _he was dating Mark. He, Ethan, was dating, in a relationship, fucking in love with Mark. Who was sitting right there. Grinning back at him like he felt the exact same._

'Glad we got that sorted.' Mark breathed a sigh of relief, just watching him.

'Are we gonna tell our friends?' Ethan asked after a second of thought.

'Yeah?'

'Ok. Not the whole school though.' As much as he knew their friends would be supportive, because yeah, they were probably more ready for this relationship than he was, they didn't speak for everyone else. And he assumed Mark also didn't want to out himself to the whole school.

'Yeah.'

Ethan paused, unsure whether to ask the question that hadn't left his mind since the whole bathroom incident. 'Can I ask you something?'

Mark seemed to sense what was coming because his smile fell into a more anxious, uncertain expression, nodding.

'Before, when you said you loved me, was that true?'

Mark hesitated, looking down at his hands. 'Yeah.' He paused, glancing back up at him nervously. 'Was yours? It didn't have to be, I understand if-'

'It was.' Ethan cut him off gently, and he would be amused if his brain had the capacity to feel any more emotions than he was right now.

'When did you realise?' Mark looked at him curiously.

'At the dance. That's why I kinda freaked out and everything. Sorry about that by the way.'

'It's ok. I was more worried about you than anything.'

His voice was so sincere that Ethan felt like he was about to cry from happiness because, _shit, how had he got so lucky?_ 'What about you?'

He smiled, remembering, slightly embarrassed as he looked away. 'You remember in the holidays on the day we found that room, with the piano?'

Ethan nodded.

'Yeah, then.'

Thinking about it, Ethan didn't really know the exact moment he fell in love with Mark, but knowing him it was probably a lot less recent than when he figured it out, and if he could feel anything except elation right now, he'd probably wish he'd done something about it sooner. Of course, that's a lot easier to say in hindsight, and he'd seemingly forgotten how sure and insistent he was that Mark would never like him. He couldn't even imagine going back to that now.

'Y'know I thought you were mad because you'd figured out that I liked you.' Mark said, slightly amused at himself.

Ethan held back a laugh, 'God we're both really stupid, aren't we.'

Mark chuckled, mumbling some sort of confirmation before standing up and walking over to Ethan's side of the table. He gulped, spinning round to face him as Mark placed his hands on either side of the table behind Ethan, leaning over so that their faces were inches apart.

'Are we done talking yet?' He whispered, and Ethan took this opportunity to admire the all the emotions that clouded his eyes, swirling and filled with so many familiar hues of brown, for what felt like the thousandth time.

Ethan bit his lip, looking up into Mark's eyes, one last thing to say- 'I love you.'

And then Mark leaned down and they were kissing again.

-

Mark's fingers intertwined with his, a second before they opened the dorm room door, sending him a quick, reassuring but excited smile.

'I could definitely get used to this.' Ethan whispered up to him, and Mark gave him a swift peck on the cheek before responding.

'You better.'

And then they were stepping into the room, Sean giving them a once over- messy hair, crooked clothes, joined hands- before rushing over.

'Oh my god finally! I never thought this day would come!' He was grinning ear to ear- half-amused, half-ecstatic.

Finn turned around from where he was rifling through his drawers, tilting his head in confusion for a split second before the realisation dawned on him, 'Oh fuck. I owe Louis 5 Galleons.' His voice was exasperated, not even a hint a surprise in there, as if they'd just told- or not told, because apparently it was just that obvious- him that the sky was blue.

Sean's face fell in disappointment, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Couldn't you guys have waited like two months?'

'You placed bets on this? Seriously?' Mark stared at him in disbelief.

Finn smirked, going back to what he was doing. 'Well yeah, what's the fun in watching your two friends pine over each other for months if you don't get a little something out of it?'

Ethan blushed at the fact that literally everyone except him and Mark seemed to already know. 'Thanks guys, really feeling the love.' 

Sean rolled his eyes, 'Well it's not like we didn't try and help it along. You two are just _really_ fucking oblivious.'

Mark's arm snaked around Ethan's waist and he leaned into it, skin tingling like it always did. _Guess he wasn't going to miss that after all._ Ethan was still getting his head around the whole _dating Mark_ thing _._

'Believe me, I know,' the boy next to him muttered, a smile in his tone, and if Ethan had any sort of comprehensible thoughts he would have come up with some sort of witty remark.

'Guys!' Louis burst in from behind them, the door thwacking against the wall as it almost fell of its hinges, but he froze when he saw Ethan and Mark, eyebrows raising into his hairline, 'Are you two...?' He looked between them, Sean, and Finn for confirmation, and one of the others must have nodded because his face was breaking into a grin, 'Fucking finally. I'll expect my payment later.' He pointed at the other two with a smug look on his face.

Finn rolled his eyes, 'What were you saying before?'

'Oh, I was just going to tell you they have waffles in the dining hall for lunch. You might want to grab some before they run out.'

'I think this is the best day of my life.' Ethan joked, and Mark looked down at him, shocked.

'Wow, thanks. All because of the waffles?'

He smiled cheekily, tongue between his teeth. 'Not completely.'

Mark just gazed at him lovingly, pulling him closer by the waist and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

Finn fake wretched. 'Ew guys, get a room.'

-

Mark dropped his hand as soon as they entered the great hall, and Ethan would have missed the loss of contact a lot more if he wasn't immediately rushing over to his friends, over on the Hufflepuff table.

Noah noticed him first, halfway through eating his sandwich. 'Ethan where _were_ you? I saw you and Mark and-' He paused, somehow reading his thoughts and sharing a glance with Kathryn, ' _S_ _hit_ did you guys finally...?'

Ethan was to flustered to respond, just standing there grinning like crazy, but that answered all of Noah's questions.

Both of them were up and hugging him in a heartbeat, looking like absolute fools but none of them cared. Maybe people would think that they were just this passionate about waffles?

'I'm so happy for you guys!' Kathryn said through giggles, her arms thrown over both of their shoulders, 'You two finally stopped being idiots.'

Ethan chuckled, 'Yeah, yeah, people keep saying that.'

He caught Mark's eye over their shoulders, a fond look in his eye, smiling at him knowingly. He'd never felt more excited in his life- he couldn't imagine being more in love with someone than he already was, but he was excited to find out.

The universe kept finding new ways to prove him wrong, turn his expectations around, and maybe that's just what tended to happen to someone who seemed to have a rather pessimistic view on life, not necessarily negative but rather always expecting the worst to happen. He was working on that- he was working on a lot of things actually, learning and really feeling as though he was growing as a person- growing into the version of himself he wanted to be- for Mark, for his sister, and for everyone around him. And maybe- just maybe- he deserved a little more happiness than he'd once believed, learning to accept it rather than push it away.

 _This is going to be one hell of a good year_ , he thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took way too long to write but I hope it was worth it! Only one left to go :( The next one is going to be more of an epilogue kind of chapter, but I have some cute things planned. Really hope you enjoyed, I'm really excited to start my next fic (I've been holding myself back from writing it because I don't want to get distracted from this one but I have loads of ideas), and hopefully I can work on improving my writing further in that- looking back I can see that it's gotten a lot better in this one! Comments and feedback are always appreciated, I love reading all of them <3


	18. Chapter 18

Ethan let his head rest against the window, the slight condensation cooling his face, the dull vibrations of the glass sounding in his ears. Across from him Mark, breathing softly in his sleep, strands of hair falling haphazardly over his eyes, eyelashes dusting his cheeks with black. He could just about see Lily curled up in his coat, pressed against his chest, resting alongside him.

It was almost pitch black outside, but Ethan could still make out the shadows of trees and telephone lines as they zoomed by- they had been travelling all day- Hogwarts to London which had been a lengthy 9 hours, now a 3 hour journey to Paris, and then after than another train just over an hour to Giverny- the town just outside Paris where Ethan lived.

It was Easter, and Ethan and Mark had been dating for almost two months, though it felt much longer, and when the teachers had suggested everyone go home for the holidays due to the uncertainty of the whole 'the schools a dangerous place to be' situation that was going on at the moment, after a few more attacks and no progress on stopping them, well Ethan had obviously offered Mark to come stay at his.

There was always something so calming about travelling by train, Ethan thought. You were surrounded by strangers, travelling to somewhere you knew but for now you weren't there- instead you were nowhere, lost without the guidance of the tracks ahead, and yet somehow through all this uncertainty you could manage to fall asleep, leave yourself vulnerable, relying on the fact that you would wake up where you need to be. And once you were there that was it, hours of your life forgotten because why would you ever need to remember them? Ethan didn't want to miss the journey, almost how he didn't want to fall asleep during a film, fighting to keep his eyes open because for some reason his brain was urging him to.

The next thing he knew he was being jolted awake, the sound of people talking, luggage being hauled down, growing as he blinked his eyes open, looking up at a smiling Mark.

'Come on, sleepyhead,' he teased, one hand reaching up to haul their bags down from the shelf.

Ethan scoffed playfully, getting up to help him, 'Says you.'

It may have been approaching midnight, but the city train station was a hive of activity, crowds bustling, heading to their next train, electronic voices calling out the upcoming departures, with artificial lights so bright above you that you could almost be convinced that it was the middle of the day.

They found a coffee shop, as they had a little time before their next train, both of them in need of serious amounts of caffeine, earning a glare from the man on the table next to theirs as they dumped their large bags and flopped into the wicker chairs.

Mark passed Lily to him- it was surprising how much you could get away with when it looked like you knew what you were doing- waltzed over the counter and, with an astounding level of confidence, ordered them some coffee in fluent-ish French. Ethan giggled as Mark turned back to him, shooting him a cheeky wink, but had to turn back when the poor waitress, who looked very confused, asked him to clarify his order. Maybe his French needed a _little_ work.

His grin however, didn't falter as he collected the two cups- and at least he could get the thank you right- passing one to Ethan as he sat down.

'I can't believe we're actually in France.' Mark said, taking a sip, and Ethan watched the way his eyes glanced around to take in their surroundings, admiring the way the light reflected in them before they finally settled back on him.

'Have you been before?'

Mark shook his head.

'It's kinda like England, but...' Ethan trailed off, not exactly sure how to describe it.

'French?' Mark suggested, and they both burst into laughter, probably disturbing someone's quiet and peaceful moment.

It wasn't long before they were boarding their final train of the day, a slightly smaller one with only a few other people in the carriage. Ethan took a seat next to Mark, stuffing their bags below them, and leaned on his shoulder, Mark wrapping his arm around him, the faint sound of fabric on fabric as they shifted in place.

The train was cold and Mark was warm, Ethan humming contently and pressing himself further into Mark's side as the train began to move, a soft drone of tracks passing underneath, and a wind that quietly rattled the windows. It was crazy how the carriage remained so still, so stagnant, like the inside of a painting- everything fixed in place, while the world whirled away outside, fading in and out of their view as if it never existed in the first place.

The journey went fast- the silence only occasionally interrupted by a quiet cough, soft murmur of chatter, or the rattling wheels of luggage as someone departed the train. Finally it was their turn, and stepping off the train felt like emerging from the surface of the sea- reality fading in as the once muffled sounds became clear, passing streetlights became permanent, stagnant air turned to a wallowing spring breeze.

Ethan had forgotten how much he'd missed this place- a faint whoosh of tires on thin roads, flat-faced and pale coloured houses lining them, shutters drawn closed for the night, flowering plants hanging from balconies and windows, the kind of green you only get at this time of year. It felt like its own bubble- sanctioned off by the sloping hills that traced the outline of the town, falling down into pointed roofs and neatly kept gardens. It certainly brought back memories, running though the streets with child-like laughter echoing on the walls of the houses, exploring the forests, playing among the trees as if they were old friends, as if they could talk to the ancient pillars of moss and bark- the air feeling as though it was filled with magic- little did they know they had so much of that to come. It was so nostalgic it hurt- his heart tugging, wanting so badly to go back and live that again, this time not taking it for granted, bittersweet knowing the fixed nature of time- it never returned to you, once something was gone it could only live in your memory. The world exactly as it was then was something he could never return to.

If Mark had a spare hand- between carrying Lily and his bag- Ethan would have taken it, led him through the streets until they reached his house, but he instead settled for walking alongside him, tilting his head back to admire the way you could see the stars so clearly- a bright band that cut across the sky- far enough away from the blinding lights of the city that would block such a view out.

His dad was there to greet them at the door- his mum out on some sort of business trip- Ethan smiling at the familiar sight of his face, weathered and tired from hours of work but warmly and politely returning his smile all the same. Spencer bounded up to him, almost knocking him over with the force of his actions, Ethan dropping his bag so he could scratch behind his ears, laughing as his tail wagged uncontrollably, jumping all over him and all over Mark. He hadn't realised how much he'd missed Spencer, missed his parents, missed his _home_ , and maybe it was because Hogwarts was so welcoming, so full of all his friends, or maybe that he was subconsciously avoiding the thought of everything his house once was to him, of everything he had lost- but Ethan was so grateful that he had so many places that felt like this- like home to him.

They quickly got to work, setting up a camp bed in Ethan's room, Mark insisting that Ethan got the proper bed, to which his exhausted self eventually caved- ' _Fine,_ but you get the good blankets'- waiting to close the door before he kissed Mark goodnight, tired but still soft and sweet, and enough to make him feel mushy inside as he gazed at the boy who had somehow given him everything he could ever ask for.

Ethan had cried himself to sleep many times but he couldn't remember an occasion where he had gone to sleep unable to lose the smile on his face.

-

Ethan made pancakes the next morning. He didn't remember the last time he had done that, but he knew how and he was awake and he was happy, so he made pancakes. His dad was already gone, off to the French ministry in Paris, so he fed Spencer, added cat food to the shopping list, and that's when the urge hit him. For some reason, there was always an unspoken, unknowable _something_ just holding him back, telling him not to make pancakes before the thought even crossed his mind- and this morning he was reminded that there was literally nothing stopping him- any morning he could just wake up and make pancakes, so how come it never happened? Why did he never make pancakes when he had always had the ability to? 

He was kind of freaking himself out with his weird thoughts but he continued regardless, pouring the flour and the milk and cracking the eggs, breezing through the motions unthinkingly. He hummed a little tune to himself, and from the counter he was whisking at he could see into the garden, the sun glaring against the glass of the window as it started its ascent into the sky.

'Morning' He heard a familiar voice say from behind him, whipping around to a sleepy looking Mark, hair ruffled and slightly stuck up, rubbing at his eyes gingerly. 'What are you making?

'Pancakes' Ethan smiled, returning to his bowl.

Mark walked over and stood next to him, just watching for a second before he hummed thoughtfully, padding off somewhere else. The sounds of cupboards opening swiftly followed, and 'Where do you keep your pans?'

Ethan smiled softly to himself, turning to point at one of the drawers, before putting the bowl down to go grab the oil. He heard Mark turn on the stove as he did, just in time for Ethan to pour some into the pan, both of them carrying out their tasks like clockwork, completely in sync.

After breakfast he gave Mark a tour of the house, making sure he knew where everything was, faltering slightly as they passed a certain door, across the hall from his own, but he ignored it and continued, and from Mark's lack of comment he guessed Mark knew what was behind it anyway.

That evening Ethan's dad brought home two Easter eggs- one for him and one for Mark- the gesture sweet and thoughtful but it somehow only left Ethan sad because he had never noticed that his dad never bought one for himself, for all the years Ethan had been alive. Because Ethan's dad didn't like chocolate. And that was something he had never noticed.

-

They never failed to find ways to fill their time, whether it was keeping up with their studying- seated at the dining table with books strewn everywhere, making pretty patterns of coloured leather and faded yellow pages. Hours would pass by, reading in silence, writing essays, helping or testing each other, and even the duller moments like this Ethan wouldn't give up for the world, never took a single one for granted.

Or sometimes Ethan would practice piano- he'd fallen out of the habit since going to Hogwarts but it was just as easy to fall back into, an easy way to reflect on the past without getting too caught up. Dormant parts of his brain had lit up like a city after dark, searching for melodies and little snippets of music that fed into each other- thoughts and ideas he could translate to notes, sound. Mark would often sit beside him as he played, or at least nearby, noticing when a piece flowed from his hands for the first time, and later in the day Ethan would often find him humming them in the midst of a mundane task, a tune caught in his head like a fly in a spider's web.

On one of the days, they took the train into Paris- exploring the cobbled streets enclosed by towering stone buildings which were yellowed with age, and if a city could possibly be described as quaint, then this one certainly would. The streets tangled together, ivy-covered walls merging into new buildings, new roads that stemmed and flowed with the freedom of a river, bursting into streams wherever they felt like it, and you could tell it had grown this way with age- more and more built upon what was already there, to account for the ever-growing population, structures of all different ages combining, a collage of history so detailed and in depth it would remind you of the finely sculpted Gothic architecture that wove throughout the city.

Whenever they would hold hands Ethan could feel the electricity than ran through him, never expecting to get used to the feeling of Mark's thumb drawing slow circles on his skin, or when Mark would wrap an arm around him, place a kiss on the base of his neck- sometimes getting a few curious or disapproving looks that caused Ethan to flush, but he didn't mind- it wasn't like he was going to see any of these people ever again so they could take their judgement and fuck off with it for all he cared. Or when Mark would pull him or he would pull Mark into an empty alleyway, a secluded corner, behind a telephone box, his back pressed against something uncomfortable but not really caring because Mark's lips were on his, hands on his cheeks, his waist, tangled in his hair, taking a few moments to enjoy each other because Ethan always felt- and he suspected Mark did too- this magnetic pull, urging him closer to Mark, and _god_ he couldn't resist it for long. People always referred to Paris as the "Romantic city" but if Ethan was honest he had been feeling like this for the past two months, and that flutter his heart did whenever Mark touched him was addictive no matter the setting.

They stumbled upon a market, fresh produce mixed in with craft stores, trinkets and old clothes, and pretty much anything you could imagine in a sea of tiny stalls. Ethan loved flicking through aged books and faded magazines, wandering around aimlessly in the hopes of finding something special, something you could find nowhere else.

He was admiring some watercolour paintings for sale, liking the way the pigments had that washed-out sort of quality, each brushstroke light and feathery and effortless, when tap on his shoulder startled him. Turning around he saw that it was just Mark, grinning at him, closed fist held up.

'I bought you something.' He unfurled his hand to reveal a coil of thread, connected to a pendant- some sort of silver spiral. The metal shone in the daylight, and when Ethan reached out to touch it it was smooth and cool against his skin. 'Do you like it?'

Ethan smiled fondly at him, nodding and blushing slightly as Mark looped it over his head, letting the pendant sit at the centre of his chest, leaning forward to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

'Thought it was about time I returned the favour.' He grinned cheekily, holding his arm up so that Ethan could see the brown leather bracelet still dutifully tied around his wrist.

Much later in the day it began to rain, Ethan pulling up the hood of his- well actually, Mark's- hoodie, as they rushed over to the shelter of a nearby bus stop, and Ethan was sad to think that the day was coming to an end, as all things did. The rain began to pool into puddles, splashing and squelching beneath their feet as they took one last walk through the city, the light refracting through the water droplets somehow making everything prettier than before.

On the train ride home Ethan told Mark he loved him, but he was asleep and didn't hear.

-

Another time they decided to go on a hike- filling their backpacks with food, waterproofs, grabbing Spencer's leash and some dog treats before heading out. 

They stopped by a stream for lunch, sitting on the rocks and letting their feet dangle inches above the flowing current of the water, Spencer jumping in to clean his muddied paws. They practiced charms, wands out, spurts of light weaving through the water, blooming with colour as flowers sprung up and floated on the surface.

Following the stream, eventually they came across a bridge that crossed it, an ancient wooden skeleton spanning across the gap, green paint worn and chipped away, peeling like bark, revealing the moss stained wood beneath.

'Poohsticks?' Mark asked, but Ethan was already hunting the ground for the perfect stick, barely sparing the time to turn around and send grin back.

'You're on.'

They tossed them over the side of the bridge, Ethan careful to line his up with the direction of the river, before rushing over to the other side, Ethan almost falling off with the amount he had leaned over the railing.

'Careful.' Mark warned as he joined beside him, hand brushing his back.

Ethan turned to face him, and Mark reached out to brush a stray strand of hair out of Ethan's face, hand lingering by his cheek.

'Have I told you how beautiful you are recently?' He mumbled, smiling coyly as his eyes scanned over Ethan's face.

Ethan blushed, 'You're just trying to distract me so I don't notice when you lose.' 

Mark shifted so that his hands rested on the railing either side of Ethan, boxing him in, 'Oh really?' he whispered, voice low and husky and dripping with fake innocence, so close to Ethan now that he wouldn't be surprised if Mark could feel the vibration of his heart thudding in his chest. 'Is it working?'

Ethan hummed, trying to remain casual as if his body didn't already feel like it was on fire, 'Not sure,' he muttered teasingly, tilting his head slightly as he watched Mark's eyes further fill with mischief. 

'Maybe this will help.'

He leaned in, capturing Ethan's lips with his, and it started slow and gentle but Mark's hands were quickly on him, thumbs pressing into his hip bones through his jeans as he pushed against him, Ethan wrapping his hands around Mark's neck so that at least if he fell, Mark was certainly coming with him. The sticks in the water were long forgotten, drifting away behind them like old toys, forgotten and discarded for something more exciting. Mark's tongue brushed against his and he felt his nerve endings light up, kissing him back with just as much passion, hot and breathless, and Ethan was giddy with the idea that it was just them two surrounded by miles of forest and hills- no one to walk in and stop them, pouring his heart into the one person he trusted it with more than anyone else in the world. Mark's hands slid up his sides and Ethan felt his stomach coil at the feeling of Mark's warm hands on his bare skin, terrifyingly exciting but also safe, addictive but familiar and _god_ he wanted more.

Ethan's hand gripped his shirt, pulling him imperceptibly closer before flattening, feeling the way his heart thudded against his rib-cage, glad to know Mark was just as affected by this as he was, barely giving himself time to breath as he kissed him again and again insatiably.

It was so perfect it didn't feel real, and Ethan was starting to believe that too much of a good thing was some sort of well-crafted lie, because he would certainly never get enough of this. Forever wasn't a long enough time for him to ever get used to this feeling, and he was so in love it hurt, nervous because he had so much to lose, but trusting that there was more good to come.

-

It had come to one of the last days of the holidays before Ethan finally decided to do what he should have done many months ago. The door handle was cold, unmoving, but familiar against his hand, distant memories swimming in his head, all the times he had stood right where he was, if only for a brief moment, quickly forgotten, trivial then but now feeling so monumental, every shift of his hand almost jarringly careful and thought-out. He wondered what had been the last time this handle had been touched, _who_ had touched it, the thought of his hand in contact to possibly one of the last things she touched sickening and comforting and scary all at once.

He expected the door to creak as it opened, hinges to complain with noise, aching and reluctant after so many months of neglect but they were instead silent, wordless, leaving him to his thoughts. The room was coated with a thin layer of dust, a couple cobwebs strung across the corners, the entire room completely and utterly untouched- a moment captured in time that could only last so long. He guessed he wasn't the only one who had taken his time to come to terms with things. The wardrobe doors were swung wide open, clothes spilling out of draws, shirts and dresses folded lifelessly over hangers, not even swaying in the stagnant air, pajamas from her last morning alive discarded by the foot of her bed.

He cautiously and soundlessly crossed the room, bed shifting to accommodate his weight, sitting where she should still be laying.

Papers and books scattered across her paint-stained desk, dried up ink pots and half-finished essays, chair turned away from the desk and he could almost see her getting out of it, grabbing her backpack which had always sat beside her desk, rushing off to school because she thought that she would come back. It was like someone had paused a movie, life forbidden to proceed, a split second stopped, a sweet moment left to rot, go sour, turn bitter under the unrelenting and unforgiving cycle of day and night, over and over and over again until nothing was left except a shadow of someone's life- a life unable to be preserved in it's whole, limited to the confines of a room until it was almost worse- only showing off how much had been lost.

It was too quiet and the only sign of time passing was the sun that gazed through her windows, casting gradual shadows that were almost afraid to move under Ethan's intense stare, willing them not to, willing them to stop counting off the all hours she'd been gone. A number that could only increase.

The thing that finally broke him was the book- picked up by his careful hands from her bedside, and flicking it open it automatically landed on a page that was marked by a bookmark. _Her_ bookmark. He wondered what word on the page she had gotten to and that's when the small, darkened splotch appeared on the paper. He was confused for a second before he realised he was crying, softly closing the book so that his tears didn't damage it.

It was a silent sort of crying, one where he just let it happen, let everything overwhelm him because there was nothing else he could do. His throat was raw, swollen, cheeks hot and his chest ached so much he could barely breathe. But at least he could breathe at all.

At one point Mark found him, asking his permission before entering and just sitting beside him wordlessly, his presence comforting, a reminder that he wasn't alone but also a reminder that all of this was real. And sometimes reality was a difficult thing to come to terms with, adjusting to something that was always moving; trying to map a landscape that was ever-changing, trying to paint the view from a train window, trying to love someone who would one day be gone. But if everything stayed the same then good things would just not exist.

-

Ethan sat beside Mark on his bed, Mark's arm around him, Ethan's head on his shoulder, both breathing softly in the dim light of the room. It was getting late, and the pale beams from the moon broke through his window, bathing the room in a cool and lunar glow, spanning lines outlining shadows, everything still as if time really was frozen- icy and motionless as the sun disappeared- moments trapped for a split second before disappearing completely, empty at searching hands, like the dust particles that cloud and slowly drift in the air.

His room felt different, signs of Mark everywhere, scattered like evidence on a crime scene- his hoodie on the back of a chair, his books piled on his desk, clothes spilling over the edge of his suitcase into Ethan's, jumpers and jeans lazily tangled together. It was crazy how intertwined their lives were- two plants that had grown together with time, leaning, curling into each other as they looked for light, yearned for water, until you couldn't separate them if you tried- stems and leaves in complex knots from top to bottom, chaotic but organic, because that's all life really was. 

When things die they don't disappear, Ethan thought, wither and fade, yes, turn black and no longer reach out to the sun, but their structure remains- the way they tangled together with others, affecting, imprinting, supporting and being supported, and although their leaves may never be green again, the path the stem had carefully weaved indefinite and could never be redone, and the way it had changed the paths of everything around would never truly die.

He felt where his hand was intertwined with Marks, fingers interlocking with fingers, sharing warmth and comfort, safe in the knowledge that no matter what, Mark had permanently and unchangeably altered his life, swayed his course, an orbit interacting with his, perpetually unwinding threads jumbled and knotted together. It was frightening, but reassuring, and so many other things all at once.

Their school robes, much like all their other clothes, were muddled together, thrown off carelessly in an action that seemed insignificant but could never be taken back- red and yellow swirled together- and for once, he didn't want to go back and change what he was unable to. Ultimately, things were the way that they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah I'm so sad that this is over but honestly this was my favourite chapter to write, and it was so nice to tie everything together. A couple of things about the chapter- at the time this was set, Eurostar/the Channel tunnel hadn't been built (which is crazy to think about), it was opened two years later, but they took a train anyway so ignore that, also I did not know Hogwarts was in Scotland???? For some reason my dumb brain thought it was in London which makes absolutely no sense but there you go.  
> In all seriousness, I want to thank anyone who has read this, especially all the sweet people who commented, I genuinely wouldn't have finished this book without all of your support (who would have thought I could write something this long because I sure as hell didn't), and you've all made me so unimaginably happy, so from the bottom of my heart thank you for that. <3  
> As much as I'm sad to see this book complete, it's so satisfying to put out the final chapter, which I really hope you all enjoyed, and I'm looking forward to future projects!


End file.
